Editor's Blog1 min ago
Just found out Aunt has terminal cancer
33 Answers
Just this morning, I haven't seen her for a few years but I have fond memories of her from when I was younger. Im really sad about it and know I will get really emotional if I call round to see as this will be her last christmas alive , this is making me take the cowards way and just send her a lovely card with a few words but my sister thinks that I am being selfish and thinking of myself and my own feelings not my aunt who would probably like to see me. Don't know what to do.
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I know the feeling. My uncle's cancer has just been diagnosed as terminal. My cousin, his daughter, is having a party next week and we are all going. My mum and dad have already been to see him but i'm really nervous about going. I've never had to go through anything like this so I don't really know how to act about it all. That sounds selfish but it's true. And I don't like talking to people about things like this so it makes it even harder. :(
erin, the more you shun it the worse it is, not just for you but person affected. They feel shut off already, given a diagnosis like that saps all your reserve, but with the help, kindness, love of family, friends, colleagues, you would be amazed the difference it makes. I know, my o/h found that people cared, not just me. It may seem awkward at first, but you would miss the chance to say something kind.
It is very difficult to cope with emotions in these circumstances; do you know how soon she is likely to pass away? Perhaps you could send her a card with a few words inside? You can take your time phrasing this and not risk breaking down in front of her. It may be that after all the hectic christmas period is over you might feel that you could better handle a visit. I'm sure she would be glad of a visit but would probably understand why you have decided not to go straight away. You need to come to terms with this first.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother and will do anything to avoid seeing what is obvious so when she was diagnosed with cancer I found it hard to 'man up'. However, I went to see her (didn't used to visit her, her and my dad would come to us). It was a hell of a shock to see her looking so ill. I also went to see her the day before she died (and it was really hard going). I don't know if she appreciated it as she was very hard until the end, however, I think my family did. On the day she died, I didn't go home to be with her as that was a step too far for me. Please do what you feel is best and don't be pressurised by family. x
My mother was told that her cancer was terminal on New Year's Eve. Wishing someone a 'happy new year', at midnight a few hours later, isn't easy under those circumstances but I still made sure that we had a party.
Later on, my mother was in a 'hospice ward' of a hospital. As I was about to leave omn one occasion, after visiting her, the lady in the next bed said "Excuse me, would you mind if I had a word with you?". As I had never met her before I was worried about what it was that she might want to say to me but what she actually said was this: "Thank you so much for being like a breath of fresh air when you come here. Everyone else is so quiet and sombre; they look as if they're already at our funerals. But you come in laughing and joking. It not only cheers your mum up - it cheers everyone else up as well".
So my advice to you is to go to visit your aunt, but with a smile on your face and a determination to make the final part of her life a time when she's surrounded by cheerfulness, rather than by people who're looking sad and glum.
Chris
Later on, my mother was in a 'hospice ward' of a hospital. As I was about to leave omn one occasion, after visiting her, the lady in the next bed said "Excuse me, would you mind if I had a word with you?". As I had never met her before I was worried about what it was that she might want to say to me but what she actually said was this: "Thank you so much for being like a breath of fresh air when you come here. Everyone else is so quiet and sombre; they look as if they're already at our funerals. But you come in laughing and joking. It not only cheers your mum up - it cheers everyone else up as well".
So my advice to you is to go to visit your aunt, but with a smile on your face and a determination to make the final part of her life a time when she's surrounded by cheerfulness, rather than by people who're looking sad and glum.
Chris
I'm not so sure. Is there a way you can find out if she wants to see you? I've always felt that if I was terminally ill I wouldn't people to come and see me, rather remember me as I was. I will always recall a terribly sad situation when I was a teacher and a lovely 13 year old grl was dying of cancer but didn't know. One day she asked her mum why so many people were visiting her and was it it because she was going to die. Heartbreaking for everyone. Do what you feel most comfortable with. I don't think there's a right or wrong.
Hi Prudie, I dont know? My sister seems to think she will but I dont know if she is speaking as she would feel if it was her? Or my aunt? My uncle seems to think my aunt doesnt actually know what is going on at the moment as she is confused, maybe it would confuse her more if I just turned up? I really dont know what to do for the best.
It's not cowardly, we all deal with things differently. I told my dad I couldn't be there when she actually died (it was obvious it was going to happen, and I could have been there but just couldn't actually do it). I choose to ignore these sorts of things rather than deal with them. Maybe it is cowardly, but it's the way I have chosen to deal with it.
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