Son I Never Get To See

[Smowball]

I split with my children's father when they were small and in a very complicated and messy split up it was me who had to leave the house and children(his mother owned it)would take too long to explain how and why but was horrendous for all concerned. In the end I had them every week/holidays etc/and my daughter ended up living with me. They are all adults now but have had a lot of resentment over the years as they just do not understand or believe the situation which was absolutely out of my control. I have built it up with 2 of them to the point that we talk and txt almost daily, I drive up and visit and stay as often as I can. But my eldest son comes up with an excuse not to see me every single time for the last year. They all live within 30 mins of each other and I'm 2.5 Hours away so to drive all that way and not see one of them is breaking my heart. I actiually stayed with him just over a year ago for the night and I thought everything was fine but since then he doesn't reply to texts,FB messages, I ring and it goes to voicemail..... I even messaged his partner and said what's going on and she just said he was very busy and would get him to call at the weekend, he didn't . Yet he popped in to see my daughter. I tried again last night but he didn't reply. I'm due to go up again next week and I just don't know what to do.........

[murraymints]

maybe you could write to him and explain your feelings to him ?

[Mamyalynne]

I too agree, this is the time for a letter - not too wordy at first and explain that you realise why he finds it so hard to accept what happened all those years ago.

Tell him you love him and simply want to be a small part of his life.

[Gavmacp]

I also think a letter is the only option!

[Smowball]

I just find things like that difficult. My daughter says she has tried several times to talk to him about their past and he just walks out of the room. He never forgets my birthday or Mothers Day but clearly there is something there. I don't think he loves me

[Gavmacp]

I think he does love you but men can find it difficult to express feelings.

[murraymints]

a letter seems the only way Smow...if he will not talk to his sis even...I would not be too heavy though..a we haven't managed to hook up lately sort of thing and how you have missed seeing him...and suggest a family meal perhaps ?

[Smowball]

Think you're all right. I've already sent his Xmas card so will do a letter today. Thank yo all for taking the time to reply. Just feel bit sad about it today x

[Gavmacp]

It obviously hurts him as he cannot even talk to his sister about the past so would be even more difficult to talk to you. I wouldn't push it as it is obviously still quite raw.

[saintpeter48]

You cannot force anyone to like you or reply to texts, FB messages etc, if he doesn't want to see you or have anything to do with you then that is his choice. Why not just get on and live your own life, visit the children that want to keep in contact with you, don't worry about what that son is doing or not doing, it will just eat away at you. I have a similar situation, I have tried many times to contact 2 children from a previous relationship, one is 28 and one is 26, they have told me in no uncertain terms that they want nothing to do with me, they don't even want to hear my side of the story, it went on for about 6 years then 4 years ago I decided to get on with my life, there is nothing I can do about it, they have great contact with many members of my family and they know where I live, if they knocked on my door I would welcome them in, I can't see that happening and I'm not going to let it get to me, its their choice. Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy the contact that you have with your other children, if in the future your son decides he'd like to see you then welcome him with open arms, no questions asked, in the mean time, get on with your life!

[Sqad]

Excellent advice by Saintpeter above.
Just get on with life and stop looking for unrealistic expectations.

[woofgang]

I agree a letter but can I suggest not mentioning the past at all? I suspect he is actually kind of afraid that when he sees you or communicates with you, that you will bring it up....maybe if he could come to believe that you won’t, then the relationship might stand a better chance. So write him a short cheerful “no reason” letter. Tell him about anything silly you have done recently...comment on tv programs....anything totally frivolous and unthreatening. I had a similar situation in my own family quite a few years ago now and this strategy worked but it takes time and patience.

[Smowball]

But the times I have seen him he has been fine. The past is never mentioned and as I said I stayed at his last year. We all had pizza and wine and a good evening so don't know what's happened since to make him avoid me. Confused

[jennyjoan]

Hi Smow - this situation has happened to friends of mine. Dad refused to speak to his 3 children for about 4 years. One daughter decided to write a letter and slowly but surely he welcomed them back.

PS - They ended up caring for him as he became an amputee - just died there in August.

Try the letter first - see what happens - and as posters have suggested - just leave alone and enjoy your other children. It is a sad situation indeed.

[Smowball]

Thank you all. Will write a letter later on x