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I have a lovely partner who I have been dating for 8 months who has three daughters who are all extremely lovely but the middle one can be extremely difficult at times when we go out or when we are planning anything...
On the days we have planned to do something she always wakes up feeling ill - this can be shopping, or a walk in the country or a museum visit, anywhere really - this is extremely frustrating because it always ends up with her crying and throwing a tantrum to get her own way - her dad is brilliant and he doesnt play to her demands and when she knows she has to go back to her mums while we all go out she suddenly makes a speedy recovery...
He has custody of them every other weekend and once in the week - he has spoken to his exwife about this and she also has the same problems...
I would just like to know why she is like this, I have two boys who are grown up now and I don't remember them ever behaving like this ever!!
Can anyone help or offer some advice? Its getting to the stage where I don't want to plan anything because I know what will happen...
Help me please...
On the days we have planned to do something she always wakes up feeling ill - this can be shopping, or a walk in the country or a museum visit, anywhere really - this is extremely frustrating because it always ends up with her crying and throwing a tantrum to get her own way - her dad is brilliant and he doesnt play to her demands and when she knows she has to go back to her mums while we all go out she suddenly makes a speedy recovery...
He has custody of them every other weekend and once in the week - he has spoken to his exwife about this and she also has the same problems...
I would just like to know why she is like this, I have two boys who are grown up now and I don't remember them ever behaving like this ever!!
Can anyone help or offer some advice? Its getting to the stage where I don't want to plan anything because I know what will happen...
Help me please...
Answers
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This behaviour is rooted in insecurity.
Your partner's daughter is not making the adjustment to you as smoothly as her sisters, which is not at all anyone's fault, it's just a matter of different personalities, and the way they deal with things.
She seems to want to reaffirm her dad's attention when she feels 'threatened'.
The way round this is to get her on your side.
Try and arrange to spend some time with her on her own, even just an hour or two - shopping or a burger should be fine.
Try and have a general chat about the set-up - nothing heavy, but reassure her that you are not trying to replace her mum, and most importatnly you are not trying to take away her dad. play up how important the three sisters are to your partner, and therefore to you, and you want to be able to get along really well, and you need her help.
This has to be done carefully, and maybe over a couple of such times, but if you get her on side, you will find the disruptive behaviour will stop.
Make sure you keep your partner in on what you are doing, so he can add his bit, to show that everyone is doing the same thing, no hidden agendas anywhere.
It isn't easy, but as a step-parent, I can comfirm that it is well worth it.
Take your time.
Good luck.
Your partner's daughter is not making the adjustment to you as smoothly as her sisters, which is not at all anyone's fault, it's just a matter of different personalities, and the way they deal with things.
She seems to want to reaffirm her dad's attention when she feels 'threatened'.
The way round this is to get her on your side.
Try and arrange to spend some time with her on her own, even just an hour or two - shopping or a burger should be fine.
Try and have a general chat about the set-up - nothing heavy, but reassure her that you are not trying to replace her mum, and most importatnly you are not trying to take away her dad. play up how important the three sisters are to your partner, and therefore to you, and you want to be able to get along really well, and you need her help.
This has to be done carefully, and maybe over a couple of such times, but if you get her on side, you will find the disruptive behaviour will stop.
Make sure you keep your partner in on what you are doing, so he can add his bit, to show that everyone is doing the same thing, no hidden agendas anywhere.
It isn't easy, but as a step-parent, I can comfirm that it is well worth it.
Take your time.
Good luck.
You are most welcome.
i am sure you can find another way to spend some time - maybe just window-shopping, or even walk in the country or park - anything to get you two together in a potential 'chat' environment.
You can always treat the others in a similar way - it does children good to spend time one-to-one with an adult close to them - good for you too.
If I can help further, or you just want to keep us posted, do come back.
While i think - if you have taken the time and trouble to think about this issue, and to seek some input from elsehwere, then you are well on the way to being an important part of your new fmily's lives - so be very proud of yourself.
It all comes with patience and time - our oldest girls are 32 and 30 now - I started when they were six and four, so again, I do know what'm talking about!
i am sure you can find another way to spend some time - maybe just window-shopping, or even walk in the country or park - anything to get you two together in a potential 'chat' environment.
You can always treat the others in a similar way - it does children good to spend time one-to-one with an adult close to them - good for you too.
If I can help further, or you just want to keep us posted, do come back.
While i think - if you have taken the time and trouble to think about this issue, and to seek some input from elsehwere, then you are well on the way to being an important part of your new fmily's lives - so be very proud of yourself.
It all comes with patience and time - our oldest girls are 32 and 30 now - I started when they were six and four, so again, I do know what'm talking about!
Crikey you have done very well then... and I take on board all you say... I guess its also difficult for her going through female changes, going to high school as well as trying to deal with a new partner in her dads life...
We made cakes one weekend and I did take her and her little sister to the local supermarket and she was in charge of the shopping list and she seemed to really like the responsibility... and we had a real giggle...
Her dad has sat her down to ask her why she is like this and if she likes me and she did say that she liked me a lot but she didn't think I liked her which made me kind of sad. I've never been too much in their faces and have tried to let them come to me which has worked because now at bed time I get cuddles and a kiss now so they are slowly warming to me. There have been times when I've felt really rejected and have thought that maybe its better if I'm not in their life but my partner is a wonderful man and we have a fabulous relationship so I'm convinced its worth working at - its easy to run away and I've done that a lot in my own past relationships rather than face up to the problem - my parents also split up when I was 10 and now my stepdad is one of the most important people in my life although he did have lots of hassles with me and my two older brothers... we were quite cruel to him but I love him to bits now ...
I will keep you updated and come back to you with how things are going...
Thanks again Andy
We made cakes one weekend and I did take her and her little sister to the local supermarket and she was in charge of the shopping list and she seemed to really like the responsibility... and we had a real giggle...
Her dad has sat her down to ask her why she is like this and if she likes me and she did say that she liked me a lot but she didn't think I liked her which made me kind of sad. I've never been too much in their faces and have tried to let them come to me which has worked because now at bed time I get cuddles and a kiss now so they are slowly warming to me. There have been times when I've felt really rejected and have thought that maybe its better if I'm not in their life but my partner is a wonderful man and we have a fabulous relationship so I'm convinced its worth working at - its easy to run away and I've done that a lot in my own past relationships rather than face up to the problem - my parents also split up when I was 10 and now my stepdad is one of the most important people in my life although he did have lots of hassles with me and my two older brothers... we were quite cruel to him but I love him to bits now ...
I will keep you updated and come back to you with how things are going...
Thanks again Andy
Thanks for the update.
It isn't easy - partly because children think very differently, and express themselves with an instant honesty that can be cutting, although they are oblivious to it at the time.
Tthe cuddles are important, and you have to tread a fine line between being available without crowding them, and being able to be pushed away sometimes. That's children - and as a stepdad of two with a third daughter between us who is now nearly eighteen, I can tell you that it's just the same with biological children as well!
What you have to avoid is over-analysing things in an adult way, which is perfectly natural, but as children, they speak and act, and the instantly forget!
Our eldest daughter has a ten-year-old who has gone off to camp with the school for a week, and while she frets and worries, our grand-daughter will be having a great time, i know because we fretted when she went, and she had a fabuulous time!
You are doing exactly the right thing - taking it slowly, and being patient, and you will be rewarded richly as your rleationship with the children grows.
Just one thing - you MUST make sure your partner backs your discipline at all times, even if he believves you are wrong, he must back you in front of the girls, and disucss it afterwards with you alone. They will try and play you off against each other - that's what children do, and if the sense you are insecure because you are not 'mum', they will run you ragged!
Be firm, be fair, and you will be loved.
It's wonderful isn't it!!!
A x
It isn't easy - partly because children think very differently, and express themselves with an instant honesty that can be cutting, although they are oblivious to it at the time.
Tthe cuddles are important, and you have to tread a fine line between being available without crowding them, and being able to be pushed away sometimes. That's children - and as a stepdad of two with a third daughter between us who is now nearly eighteen, I can tell you that it's just the same with biological children as well!
What you have to avoid is over-analysing things in an adult way, which is perfectly natural, but as children, they speak and act, and the instantly forget!
Our eldest daughter has a ten-year-old who has gone off to camp with the school for a week, and while she frets and worries, our grand-daughter will be having a great time, i know because we fretted when she went, and she had a fabuulous time!
You are doing exactly the right thing - taking it slowly, and being patient, and you will be rewarded richly as your rleationship with the children grows.
Just one thing - you MUST make sure your partner backs your discipline at all times, even if he believves you are wrong, he must back you in front of the girls, and disucss it afterwards with you alone. They will try and play you off against each other - that's what children do, and if the sense you are insecure because you are not 'mum', they will run you ragged!
Be firm, be fair, and you will be loved.
It's wonderful isn't it!!!
A x
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