what do you think?

[ethanryan]

hi all, i need some advice. as some of you know i have 2 boys aged 1 and 2. my sister has 3 children all girls, aged newborn, 4 and 7. the problem is she has a major drink problem and is getting worse. if she carries on she will either kill herself or have her girls taken off her. she has agreed to get help if either me or mom will take her girls in while she goes and gets help. my mom works monday to friday and needs to work to pay he mortgage as she is not entitled to any help. i dont work. i know it will be so much hard work with 5 children as i am only 24 but i cannot see them go into care. my mom has said that she could have them from a fri evening till sunday evening which would leave me to have them monday to friday. what would you lot do? it is the only way she will get help. i was tempted to inform socail services for the sake of the girls but that would mean them going into care and i cant let that happen, i have a good reletionship with the girls and know they would be happy with me, but im not sure i would cope.

what would you do?

[mirela]

i would try my best to help her, that what family for.it will be hard work and scrif for you, but there is hope, isnt it, oneday, everything will get sorted eventually.

[888sally888]

What a nightmare for you. I would try and cope if you can but do you have any friends or does your mum who dont work and could come and help you?

[natalie_1982]

I think you know deep down that the best solution would be to take the girls in yourself. The way I look at it is that, yes you will find it hard, but you know that already; you will find it even harder if you leave it too late and your neices are taken into care.

I have been in a similar situation and you have to do what you have to do for the sake of the little ones. Thankfully our situation worked itself out and my neice is with her mum during the week and grandparents at the weekend. We don't look after her anymore and I miss that, but I know she now has a more stable home life so I'm willing to take a back seat and be there when she is older and needs me then, which I am sure she will.

I have a friend whose sister's children were taken into care and finally adopted, and I know he thinks of his neice and nephew daily and beats himself up because he never had care of them himself.

If I was in your situation I would take the girls in, no questions, particularly as you will have help from your mum Fri-Sun. You are right to consider how difficult it will be for you, but I think in these types of situations people cope because they have to and you will too for the sake of your sister and her children XX

[ethanryan]

hi i think i will take them on and see how we go, it will be hard as i will ahve to get them all up to take the oldest two to school them bring the other 3 home. i dont drive either. my little one is hard work on his own. i want to make a difference to these girls and my partner will support what ever decision i make. he has left it to me as he will be at work all day.
also if it only a temporary arrangment will i be able to get any financial help?

[ethanryan]

i also worry about the effect on my boys. we go swimming and playgroups alot now and they are in a routine. if i have girls i wont be able to take them to there clubs anymore. there mom is so selfish though and will not be grateful ata ll. there are loads of women that cant have kids, and she has 3 that she has no time for. she has only just given birth 3 weeks ago, and drank all through her pregnancy without a care in the world. if she had one child i would not have given it a second thought but 3 is a lot of work

[888sally888]

Surely there must be some financial help available to you. Its a lot for you to take on cost wise.

Cant you round up all us ABers and get us into a rota?!

Do you have a Citizens Advice centre or similar - where are you living?

[ethanryan]

yeah thats a great idea sally you can all have them one week at a time lol

i have not looked into the money side yet as she only put it to me last night.she rang me at 2 o clock this morning crying so i had to go in a taxi to her. 2 of the girls were still up and playing and she just sat there with a bottle. i didnt really speak much to her i just got the kids ready and brought them back. my mom has offered to have them live with her so she can try and help her sort herself out but she is not interested.,
i also worry about getting too attached to the girls and not been able to cope when they have to go back. i have been up all night thinking about it.her girls are very good and have had to learn to look after them selves which is so wrong at there age.

[natalie_1982]

I think you would be entitled to financial help ER, but in order to qualify you would need to declare that you are their carer, thus indicating that your sister is not and then there would be a chance that your sister would lose her tenancy (I assume she is in social housing if she doesn't work?).

Could you come to an understanding with your sister that she hands her benefit money over to you to care for her children? Would your mum be in a better position to negotiate this with your sister?

I do feel for you hun, I have been through similar with my sister in law; she was, and still is, a selfish selfish cow and the only reason she has a child (and one on the way) is to sponge money from people. Luckily, my hubbys family have been able to step in and care for the little girl, she is nearly 7 now so is at school all day, from Fri-Sun is at her gramps and so her mother only has to "look after" her Mon - Thurs evenings. Thankfully SIL doesn't abuse drugs or drink but she has strings of dodgy boyfriends that are now only around at weekends so little one doesn't know about it. As I said, the best I could do at the time was to care for the little one but SIL calmed down a bit and now I have to sit back and wait til she needs me, which no doubt she will do and I wouldn't hesitate intaknig her in, but it is so much easier for taking one aged near 7 than taking a newborn baby.

I would suggest contacting your local CAB and seeing what they say, also try making an anonymous call to social services without mentioning any names just to get some advice as to what support can be offered to your sister, as well as you and your family.

[888sally888]

Only 7 and 4 and up at 2 in the morning - no wonder you are so concerned.

Lots of areas have voluntary workers too - I like in Hertfordshire and am about to start doing volntary dog walking for ill or old people in the area. I noticed there are loads of openings to help people with children etc.

Maybe this is another option. Or maybe contact local colleges which offer childcare - often students need work experience positions?

[888sally888]

sorry I live in Herts not like (still early!!)

[ethanryan]

thanks for your detailed answers natalie. i will take them in im sure i will, i could never see them go into care. her and my mom do not have the best relationship so im only one to try and talk to her. she had her first daughter and was doing well then she met a man got into drink, couldnt pay for her habbit so had more kids to claim more benefits.it is so wrong.
i will try and get an appointment with the cab and see what they say. my 7 year old niece has got up, and while i was feeding baby she has sorted hers and her sisters clothes, has made breakfast for the oldest 4 and has got herself washed and dressed. i have told her to sit and watch tele, but dhe is so used to doing it. i know she will help me alot as she is really grown up, but i want to let her be a child again and have fun without playing mom to her 4 year old sister

[ethanryan]

thanks sally will look into it. im jus glad there school is only 5 minutes away so dont have to leave till 8 45

[888sally888]

Wish I could help - but they are very very lucky having you in their lives.

I am sure you will do a great job and you will always have a wonderful bond with them x

[ethanryan]

i will always be here for them no matter how old they are. it has been a mad house this morning but they are all dressed and ready and are all sitting watching a bit of tele so we havnt done to bad so far.
i better get baby ready, get them to school and do some ringing about.
will let you know what i find out and what we decide.

[natalie_1982]

Your poor little neice, the things you say are choking me because it is just echoing everything I have said about my little 7 year old one, and I only have the one to worry about. You must be doing your nut. You just want them to be able to be children don't you? They'll never forget you for it, when they hit their teens and they need support cos their little heads are confused and angry because of the childhood they had they'll know they can depend on you hun, just being a constant in their little lives is enough.

Another idea I had is to contact your local Council (are you in UK - only you say "mom" and not mum and it confused me! LOL). If your sis is in social housing then the housing authority might be able to offer family support.

I live in Oxfordshire and our local Council and housing authorities offer family support, voluntary workers and others types of suport which might be of use to you and your sister. Our family support worker fits in with the anti social behaviour team because often the families that need support are also perpetrators or anti social behaviour, the housing associations have floating support teams who will offer support (help with shopping, sorting out financesm, budgetting, childcare, etc) to those finding it hard to cope, but who may not necessarily be at the stage where social services need to be involved. They will also be able to involve other agencies like youth workers, counsellors, etc if required.

I really feel for your hun, remember that we're on here when you are climbing the walls and need to vent xx

[888sally888]

Let us know how you get on and good luck x

[ethanryan]

hi all, have just got from the school was was talking to a lady who is a choilminder, i know her very well. she has offered to have the baby two days a week if i decide to have the girls full time. she also said she dont want paying as long as i provide her things, it is only till september but this makes me feel better as it means i can still take my boys swimming and playgroups.

[888sally888]

Thats great news and gives you a bit of breathing space. Hopefully the other options will ease the stress too.

Fingers crossed things are looking up x

[ethanryan]

it will help so much and it means my boys can have my full attention 2 days a week. i have made the decision to keep then now as i have just had to pick the 4 year old up from school. she got upset telling the teacher she wants to stay with her new mommy ( me ) and dont like it at home. hearin her like that has made my mind up. there not going back now untill she sorts herself out. she has told me today she has changed her mind and i cant have them but like i said to her if she goes to the police she will lose then to social services anyway. i just hope she accepts the help and dont make things hard now.

[natalie_1982]

ER, glad you managed to get help through the childminder.

It's probably worth pursuing the other lines aswell, i.e. CAB, etc.

Best of luck with everything and keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you hun, who knows, maybe this is the short sharp shock your sister needs to get her life together xxx