Listener Crossword No. 4843 Excuses,...
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wedding the top table
11 Answers
i shall be going to a wedding shortly with my boyfriend of just over 4 years. I have always felt his family were not too keen on me. I am 18 years younger than him. His son is getting married and my boyfriend is on the top table, his ex wife is also on the top table with her new husband. However I am placed on another table with relatives of his i barely know. Really I shall be on my own. how come the ex wife's new husband gets to sit on the top table and I don't - is this normal procedure for a wedding?
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Given that you've been with your partner for four years, I would fully expect to see you on the top table - especially as the ex-wife is with hers. The only difference I can see is either you're not married or they don't like you - both of which is pathetic and petty. It is rude to stick you with (near?) strangers and your bf should has the balls to say to his son that he would like your support on that day and spend time with you on that special day too. he needs to support you in this, otherwise if it comes from you, others may use this against you (i.e. see, she always wants her own way/him to herself etc.) as this is what families get like during these events. i always hate going to family things, because mine just don't know how to behave and have cut regular contact to my parents and brother only. it makes life so much more peaceful...good luck and stick up for yourself!
How long has the ex-wife been with her husband? If the new husband played a part in raising the son then I think he does have every right to be on the top table, and frankly, it is their day I don't think you have any right to question who is on the top table being that you have only been on the scene for 4years and have not contributed (I assume) to the upbringing of your boyfriend's son.
My wedding day was virtually ruined because of people who were intent on questioning my decision on who would be on my top table, and the end resut was that in order to please everyone myself and my husband had the top table by ourselves,
My wedding day was virtually ruined because of people who were intent on questioning my decision on who would be on my top table, and the end resut was that in order to please everyone myself and my husband had the top table by ourselves,
I take your point natalie_1982, it is perfectly understandable that DAWNU1 has no say in the seating arrangements, but her boryfriend certainly does!
As stonekicker advises, her boyfriend should advise his son that to place his partner elsewhere while his mother and her husband share the top table looks at best like some silent moralising point, and at worst like some kind of segregation - neither of which give any credence to her partner, his son, or the entire party.
I fully agree that wedings are a minefield of family issues, which raise their ugly heads. there is no way to avoid such conflicts at weddings, only to minimise them, and that is what should be done here.
I think that any outsider, with no knoweldge of the family, would see this as a slight to the partner of the bridegroom's father, and on that basis, it is unacceptable. If i were in that situation, I would discuss this with my sone, and advise him that my partner is now part of my life, and i expect her toe accepted and respected appropriately, and I am not prepared to be humilated by this unequal treatment of his mother nad her husband.
If my sone was taking issue with the fact that i was not married to my partner, I would remind him that the concept of respect and manners are facts of his life which I helped to teach him, and remind him again, that I would appreciate the courtesy of eqaul treatment.
Now I know that I - as we all are - am speaking from a detached point of view, and there may be far more to this situation than we know, but as it stands - a simple matter of ettiquette, this is neither the time or the place to make a point.
I hope you get it resolved DAWNU1 - you appear to be an innocent party caught up in familial machinations. let's hope good manners and a degree of common sense prevail.
As stonekicker advises, her boyfriend should advise his son that to place his partner elsewhere while his mother and her husband share the top table looks at best like some silent moralising point, and at worst like some kind of segregation - neither of which give any credence to her partner, his son, or the entire party.
I fully agree that wedings are a minefield of family issues, which raise their ugly heads. there is no way to avoid such conflicts at weddings, only to minimise them, and that is what should be done here.
I think that any outsider, with no knoweldge of the family, would see this as a slight to the partner of the bridegroom's father, and on that basis, it is unacceptable. If i were in that situation, I would discuss this with my sone, and advise him that my partner is now part of my life, and i expect her toe accepted and respected appropriately, and I am not prepared to be humilated by this unequal treatment of his mother nad her husband.
If my sone was taking issue with the fact that i was not married to my partner, I would remind him that the concept of respect and manners are facts of his life which I helped to teach him, and remind him again, that I would appreciate the courtesy of eqaul treatment.
Now I know that I - as we all are - am speaking from a detached point of view, and there may be far more to this situation than we know, but as it stands - a simple matter of ettiquette, this is neither the time or the place to make a point.
I hope you get it resolved DAWNU1 - you appear to be an innocent party caught up in familial machinations. let's hope good manners and a degree of common sense prevail.
No there is no more to this - just feel a bit left out. The ex wife has been with the new husband about 10 years. He played no role in the upbringing of the son because the wife left years before and my boyfriend brought up his kids as single parent. I was not invited to my boyfriends grandsons 1st birthday or his christening (but later found out his wife was at both events which was understandable). I think I am only invited to the wedding because it is one occasion they had to invite me without it looking awkward. Just thought it would have been nice to sit next to my boyfriend as they all know I don't know anyone else at the wedding. I think if I said i was not going they really would not mind and neither would I. thanks for all your comments - much appreciated thanks
18 months ago, I went to my byoyfriends sisters wedding, We had been together a good few years, and while he sat at the top table, next to my arch rival (he was seeing her when he met me, an dropped her for me, even though Im 6 yrs younger and she was his age and his sisters best mate!).
I sat on a table further down my room, next to my arch rivals twin sister, and I wish that I had been on the top table, but like has been said, it is their big day, and yes I was gutted, but not down to me!
I sat on a table further down my room, next to my arch rivals twin sister, and I wish that I had been on the top table, but like has been said, it is their big day, and yes I was gutted, but not down to me!
i don't think it really matters who has been with who the longest or whatever - four years is a fairly lengthy relationship these days, certainly one that is staedy and serious (i would think) at that point. i think any one who would seat dawn anywhere else but the top table is being spiteful and making a point - not what the concept of a wedding is about (i.e. love, uniting people etc.). also, if everyone else is a couple on the top table and dawn is left off, there will be an odd number of people up there - which in itself is unusual (people would be traditionally seated in pairs). i mean, how can you possibly justify it! it just sounds petty, petty pecking order b0ll0x you get at family occaisions. i may die more lonely than the average person (as i don't speak to my family), but at least i won't have to put up with this kind of sh!t!!!
Hi Dawn,
Appreciate how you feel but look at it this way.... maybe they didn't take to you that well initially and yes you have been left out of family occasions as a result BUT they have invited you to the wedding. Maybe it's not a case of putting you on a different table to make things difficult, maybe they are warming to you, have invited you because they want to but didn't feel it was right to put you on the top table because they haven't gotten to know you very well and maybe it would cause probs with other family members if they did. It comes across as a compromise situation to me. Either way, it is their big day, they obviously want you there or they simply wouldn't have invited you, and the meal is only a small part of an entire day of celebrations. So why not go along, enjoy the day and use the situation to get to know some of the relatives and show that you are a part of the family.
Appreciate how you feel but look at it this way.... maybe they didn't take to you that well initially and yes you have been left out of family occasions as a result BUT they have invited you to the wedding. Maybe it's not a case of putting you on a different table to make things difficult, maybe they are warming to you, have invited you because they want to but didn't feel it was right to put you on the top table because they haven't gotten to know you very well and maybe it would cause probs with other family members if they did. It comes across as a compromise situation to me. Either way, it is their big day, they obviously want you there or they simply wouldn't have invited you, and the meal is only a small part of an entire day of celebrations. So why not go along, enjoy the day and use the situation to get to know some of the relatives and show that you are a part of the family.
Maybe you could make the most out of this situation so that you come out glowing and they end up looking petty or silly. Could you go, be really gracious and pleasant, make an effort to be happy, sweet and get to know everyone on your table. If the family were trying to be mean and make you upset on the day, or trying to get you to refuse the invite then dont let them get what they want. And make sure you enjoy the day and get lots of new friends from your table. The more friends you make that day the less likely anything like this will happen again.
Good luck with what ever you decide.
Good luck with what ever you decide.
When I got married, my bridesmaids' boyfriends both sat on the top table! It seemed reasonable to me that at any other social event, they wouldn't sit at separate tables, so why at my wedding? It was no skin off my nose so to speak! I attended the wedding of my husband's best friend recently. My husband was the best man and I was on a different table, which seemed ridiculous to me,especially as when we got married, both he and his wife were on our top table! Why do people want to split up couples just for the sake of 'top table protocol' when they don't adhere to a protocol in any other aspect of their life?
If I'm honest, the day was spoilt by this. I am a confident person and can talk to anyone but felt like a second class citizen on that day. I have not told this to anyone and my husband's best mate has not said "Did you enjoy the wedding?" If he did, I would answer truthfully.
I think the family sound like a shower of ****** and they have thought about how this is going to make you feel, long and hard..........
If I'm honest, the day was spoilt by this. I am a confident person and can talk to anyone but felt like a second class citizen on that day. I have not told this to anyone and my husband's best mate has not said "Did you enjoy the wedding?" If he did, I would answer truthfully.
I think the family sound like a shower of ****** and they have thought about how this is going to make you feel, long and hard..........
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