stepmother

[baremission]

My dad had an affair with my mum's best friend 11 years ago, they are now married and my mum too has remarried.

Since the affair (when i was 7) i have generally accepted the new wife, but have never got close to her as I don't like her. I am not rude to her as such, but don't go out of my way to talk to her or anything.

My dad is now saying this is wrong of me as life is too short and i should forgive her as its driving a wedge. He says he is embarrased as my behaviour is hurtful to him, the wife and her family and I should let bygones be bygones.

But how can I be made to like her? I don't trust her enough to like, but if I don't then I might lose contact with my dad. He's asking me to choose him or my principles..what to do?

Sorry if this is slight confusing but I'd appreciate any opinions from non-biased people as I'm so confused being pulled 300 different ways by my family. Thanks.

[ummmm]

11 years ago?

I think it is time to forgive and forget. It obviously was more than an affair as they are still together. Things like this happen. Maybe you're still looking at it slightly from a childs point of view. You're an adult now so try and see it from an adults point.

[sara3]

it's lovely to think your parents will stay together forever (and be happy!) but sadly, that's just not the way it always goes. as you get older and try out serious relationships, you will probably see this for yourself.

life is too short to stay angry with the "other woman". your parents have moved on, and so should you. you don't have to suddenly love the woman, but give her a chance out of respect for your dad.

[baremission]

PArt of me is telling me to do that, but is it reasonable that I have no grounds to want to trust this woman? I lived through what hell she made my mum go through, therefore how can I say that didn't hurt me, naturally my loyalties lie with my mum.

[4getmenot]

my friend was in theis situation and has never spoke to her dad since he had an affair. yes it was a long time ago but I dont think I could forgive that either

[ummmm]

Why is your Dad getting away with it?

He was the one who made the commitment to your mum.

[baremission]

Well i sort of made the decision to forgive my dad, because it was important I still had a relationship with him, but seeing as i don't want a rrelationship with this woman, is it important to bury the hatchet?

Of course it is for her, and for him, but thats not whats best for me. Maybe i'm just being selfish?

[sara3]

I kind of think it's time for you to behave like an adult. you're still punishing your dad.

[ummmm]

11 years is too long. Are you not worried that they may dread you coming to visit?

[baremission]

I'm sure they possibly do, but they caused this situation, and when they ran off together I didn't sign a contact saying I'd like my dad's new wife.


I just don't know what to do for best.

[whiskeysheri]

Hi, baremission. My mum and dad also divorced 11 years ago. My dad was with another woman before they "officially" split, but that wasn't the cause of the whole thing and my mum was aware of it. Even so, I can still understand how you feel.

I don't like my dad's partner and never have. At first I really struggled to hide it, but I am pleasant towards her and it is all for my dad's sake.

Be the better person; you don't have to trust her, but if you don't at least pretend to get on with her all it will do is affect your relationship with your dad. x x

[coccinelle]

It depends why you don't like her. Is it over what happened 11 years ago or is it because you don't like her character?
Your Mum is now married so she's learnt to turn the page however, if you don't like her character just respect her as your father's wife. There are a lot of family members we don't get on with but should respect if they haven't done us any harm.

[baremission]

Thanks for your input everyone, its really useful to get some non-biased opinions!

[whiskeysheri]

It's worth putting on an act just so that it doesn't spoil what you have with your dad, hun, however hard it is. I speak from experience. x

[Beanmistriss]

i think it might also be important to remember that the memories you have from that time are all from the point of view of a child who was 7 and couldn't possibly have understood everything and known what all was going on, and since that time all the information you have is from the point of view of someone else.

My blokes kids have some pretty skewed ideas of things that happened between him and his ex, most of their memories are based on what they have been told by their mum, and its mostly a load of crap. I'm not saying that this is also your case, but maybe there were things that you didn't know about eg. parents not getting on before etc. Doesn't make an affair morally right but people sometimes do stupid things when they are not happy where they are. Just a thought :)

Also, it sucks to be the Dads new missus, trust me.