Call the CSA off??

[Goodsoulette]

I've been pondering whether to phone the CSA up and call them off chasing my son's father.

Before we get into to the how irresponsible I was to have a baby in these circumstances, I'm well aware of that and it was a long time ago, young and stupid etc etc

My son is the result of a one night stand. The father knows of him, never met him, not entirely sure he believed me or trusted that it could be his (and in all honesty, I can't really blame him for that). As part of a claim for a brief stint on income support, I sort of got bullied into giving out his details as I stupidly said well that doesn't matter because his dad isn't on the birth certificate. They told me I could lose cash etc. Anyways, I have started working again and Im not that fussed about the money that I can get off him, never have been. He has recently married (in the last year, I think) I doubt she knows about my son, I'm worried about the effect this might have on my son (he is 8) if he kicks off/walks in to his life and walks out again etc He is without any doubt his father but it has got to the DNA testing stage.

Should I continue with this?? Or should I call them off and write to him saying I dont want your money but if you ever want to know your son, then you can always contact me?? Should I go as far as the DNA test so he knows that J is his for sure?

And yes I absolutely should have used protection!! It's a messy situation.

[Androcles]

I don't understand what you say about it has got to the DNA testing stage. Is that because of the CSA insisting, the dad insisting because he doesn't believe you, you insisting so you can prove it is his or what? The situation is difficult because you are both responsible for your son's arrival and it is likely to have an impact on your son and his new marriage.

In the end it is down to both of you to sort this out, he because he should accept some responsibility for what happened and you as well. Can you not at least talk about it so you both understand the full impact if this goes all the way, and for you to find out if he wants to acknowledge his son at least?

[Goodsoulette]

He wont entertain a conversation with me about this, even via email. He has denied parentage, and CSA phoned me to tell me this two days ago, so they were phoning him back then to tell him he would be requiired to take a DNA test (which he has to pay for :S). The only reason I would let this go further is so that I am not the bad guy, in my son's eyes.

I know it takes two but I don't want to cause him marital problems. I genuinely do not think he is bad guy in the slightest.

I just need to do the best thing by my son, he has never been bothered about where his dad is. He knows the story as best as you can at 8 years old but obviously this could change.

[jno]

he should have used protection too, it's not all your fault! And now he's denying anything to do with it? You're a very forgiving soulette, but he's hardly my idea of a good guy. If it was me I'd go ahead with the test - some day, somehow, your son may want to know. Then just leave it at that. If your son doesn't want to know, don't tell him. And don't incur the hassle of chasing money from him if you don't need it or want it - it's more than he deserves, but pursuing your rights can be an exhausting business.

[Goodsoulette]

Thank you both for your answers.

I'm not fussed about the money in the slightest, I don't know what I would be entitled to at all, just that they would take it straight from his wages as he is a marine. Lordy, I'm sounding like a proper chav mum. Really I would love him to turn out to be a caring, loving dad for him but I am not holding out for a miracle.

[dabees]

I admire your stance on this, but you and your son need to know who the father is. What if the father has a hereditary condition? I'm sure you'd both like to know, how about offering to go halves on the DNA test?

[Goodsoulette]

Ok, I see the point there but there is no doubt he IS the father. Not only because there was no other potential, I think he even knows it. You only have to look at them both, they are identical. I kind of resent having to pay for something I already know.

[Androcles]

You are obviously absolutely sure he is the dad, but he can't be, so it looks as if you will have to go for the DNA test, if only for your son's sake. You will have to also acknowledge that id the CSA are involved in that, forcing hom to take the test at his own expense, they are unlikely to let him walk away "footloose and fancy free", which will definitely have an impact on his marriage.

You are really in a bit of a cleft stick, since even if you don't want to cause him trouble, it has probably now gone too far for it not to do so, so you may have to accept that whatever happens is going to happen and be prepared to take the flak and the pressure which will result.

I am sorry , but I cannot see an easy way out of this, one official bodies get involved, they are like an unstoppable steamroller, so I think you just need to be ready for the result. I really wish you the best of luck, because this clearly was not what you wanted to happen. I hope I am wrong - please do let us know the result!

All the best, A.

[Goodsoulette]

Thanks again, androcles. Think you are probably right and I will more than likely just have to run with it and deal with whatever consequences it throws up at me. Fingers crossed it doesnt get too pear shaped. I've not had any angry emails yet. . . see where it runs. I'm probably focusing on the worst case scenarios but can't help thinking this will eff his life up royally and he'll end up coming round to strangle me with a shoelace.

[ummmm]

Get the test done Good...If you don't then there is a good chance that this situation may be repeated down the line.

You have nothing to lose but there is a small chance that when his father has it confirmed he might...I use that lightly...but he just might try to be a Dad.

[Goodsoulette]

I'd not actually thought about that Ummmm. Absolutely right there... even if they did call it off now cos I am working again, god forbid, I end up not doing so again they'll gun for him then. I'm gonna stop worrying about it, as loing as my son is supported through it then it doesnt matter.

[cassa333]

I didn't think the csa call off the dogs?

You may not need the money now but you have obviously been claiming something so they will want their money, sorry our money, back. Or perhaps if they get some money from him they, sorry we, won't have to pay you tax credits or whatever else you may be entitlesd to.

[cherrychapstick]

cassa thats not very nice people stop working sometimes it happens and like Goodsoulette said she is working again and even when she is working she gets tax credits ,i have worked all my life and paid my taxes ,i am currently out of work due to no fault of my own!

Goodsoulette it has went this far you are better getting the test now for the sake of your son he will one day maybe ant to know who his father is not by hearsay but fact you are positive but the father won't be for 2 reasons 1) you had a one night stand with him 2)how does he know you didn't have another one night stand with someone else these will be the things going round his head and this is what you have to understand

hope everything works out for you and your son

Cherry

[tamborine]

I dont think you can call off the CSA unless you are self-supporting. The CSA is Gov controlled to trawl back payments from the public purse via social services.

As a community we have voted our Gov to give every child a right to financial support. Part of paying out for a child is clawing back funds where able, as an on-going measure for other children needing support.

[cherrychapstick]

Hi tamborine ,there is a new opt out of csa now that started this year

i still think you should pursue this he has one chilld who is to say he has no more?
that he doesn't know about,so if it's not you that pursues this a few months down the line someone else might
his actions have created a son and he should do the fatherly thing and support him im not talking money side of things but being a father

[Whoever]

I think you should go ahead with the DNA testing anyway because once day when you son is older, he will almost certainly want to know the truth about who his biological father is. This can be important information to have if somebody is found to suffer from a genetically inherited disease of some kind, for instance. You also have to consider your son's futher financial needs. Will you always be able to support him financially? Will he one day need extra money for university? Any money his father pays towards his maintenance can always be put away for the future if it is not needed immediately but if your son is his, then he should be paying towards his upkeep. If nothing else, it will teach him perhaps to pehave more responsibly in future as far as his sex life his concerned.

[lotsafun]

hi goodsoul, i would go ahead with the DNA test as your son will have it down on record that he is his father and none of it ever comes back onto you in the future. secondly from what you have said up above it is my opinion that HE is the one in the wrong and not you. You sound like a very forgiving soul and he has taken advantage of that. At the end of the day if he has fathered a child then he should WANT to pay towards his upbringing and it should never of gone down that route in the first place, he has only got himself to blame, even if you yourself dont want the money then he should be at least putting it into trust for your son. good luck goody xxx

[Ankou]

hi godsoulette, nice to see you around here again.

i would agree with androcles, as a bloke, he has no way of knowing how many one night stands you might have indulged in so you need the facts. how he deals with that within his marriage is down to him really - as i presume he has known about this for 8 years.

if a woman contacted me out tof the blue saying i had a child with her, you;d be damn sure i would be wanting to take the test and have proof before i accepted it, let alone gave any money or begun being a dad to the child.
it would be up to me then to explain the circumstances to my wife, but had this been 'following' me for 8 years, i am pretty sure i would have checked it out already.

best wishes.