Drink dependant dad

[zzxxee]

My dad is 62 is drink dependant and has been all his life. He works full time but every night will get through a bottle of vodka with my mum, or two or 3 bottles of wine.
Anyway years ago he was violent to my mum but has not been for years. He does however get verbally agressive. My 13 year year old daughter no longer wants to sleep round her grandparents house because of this and when i told him he put the phone down on me. He does have good qualities, is generous to a fault , is fantastic at helping my daughter with homework ect a very clever intelligent man.
But will get very defensive when challanged about his drinking.
Medically he has a condition called poriria and should not drink, and has gout i am at my wits end please help. Any advise would be welcome x

[zzxxee]

*porphyria

[sandyRoe]

There's a group called Al-Anon which tries to help people who have a family member with a drink problem.

[TheOtherHalf]

Morning zzxxee

You really do have a problem here with your parents. Its so sad that you have to put up with this. i really wish I could give you some advice, but never having gone through anything like this, I wouldnt know where to start. You have my prayers and thoughts though and hope it will see you through xx

[ummmm]

I'm sorry to say but there's nothing you can do. It has to be his decision.

[cazzz1975]

agree with ummm, the changes have to come from him. no amount of support groups, nagging ect will get him to stop, he has to want to stop himself. :S

[ummmm]

Nagging could actually make the problem worse.

Is you Mum concerned? Doesn't seem like it if she's drinking with him.

[sandyRoe]

He's not going to change until he wants to. The Al-Anon group suggestion was to help you.

[zzxxee]

no shes not, i just get the "hes a grown man"
I see what your all saying about "nobody can change except him"
its just heartbreaking to see my child reluctant to visit them now.
I Just cant seem to find the right words to say when approaching the subject. I dont like being around them when they have been drinking

[zzxxee]

i appreciate the group suggestion sandy x

[Hopkirk]

Why try to discuss it with them?

Just alter your way of life so you don't go around there in the evenings, and don't arrange for your daughter to stay overnight.

You don't need to explain to them why, and they will know the reason anyway.

[ummmm]

Don't be around them when they've been drinking then. If they ask why tell them them truth. My Dad was a heavy drinker, although not in the house, and he never got abusive, my Mum left him over it. He slowed down over the years but still died prematurely because of it.

[sara3]

I would suggest telling them how you feel when they're sober, and make it clear that you'll be off as soon as the booze comes out. it's true that you can't change them, but hopefully one day they'll address their problems.

your mum is also condoning this by drinking with him, so maybe she's the best one to have a quiet word with.

[zzxxee]

yes i think morning visits are the best options thanks for the honest answers all x

[boxtops]

Sadly my dad was like this - generous to a fault, and I loved him to bits, but he drank gin by the bottle-ful. You can't do anything about it - he's a grown man, he has to want to change. It's a way of life, and none of us liked it - sadly it killed him in the end. I think your daughter is of an age to make this sort of decision, it's up to her if she doesn't want to stay. Hard for you, but your dad is the only one who can do anything about it.

[ummmm]

How did it kill him Boxy? :-(

[zzxxee]

so you know where im coming from boxy xx
thanks for your answer hun x

[boxtops]

Yes I do zzxxee - an expensive hobby too. Never violent, but an evil tongue when he was in his cups.

Cirrhosis of the liver ummm - 23 years ago now, he was only 79.

[ummmm]

My Dad had Cirrhosis. When it was confirmed how bad he had it he stopped drinking. He was diagnosed with cancer of the liver a few months later. He started drinking again after that...no point in stopping really (he had slowed down at this point anyway) He died 7 months later aged 59.

This town is not the same without him....RIP The Belly Catcher...

[DEN53]

My father-in-law was a drinker - he used to beat my mother-in-law up when he was drunk - it did'nt help that he also managed a large pub, but stayed sober when working but the after hours drinking was a nightmare.

Trouble is zzxxee as they get older they get more stubborn and think they are invincible - I am not sure what to advise, but its not nice for your daughter to witness this and its very grown up of her to say so.

[zzxxee]

I have always bought my girls up to be honest and open about their feelings, its very hard especially for my youngest, she idolises her grandad, he is her hero
the homework solver, the advice giver but when he is sozzled he is incoherant and behaves in such a way he cant even string a sentence together