12 yr old son has got into wrong crowd and changed so much...

[Smowball]

Common story, but my son started secondary school last September with above average Sats results, and was a model pupil. Within weeks he has become very good friends with 3 of the most disruptive pupils in the school, and I dont recognise my child anymore. He talks as though he is in some street gang, he gets detentions(after never having one in his life), I have been called up the school to discuss his behaviour in class. He argues about absolutely everything, tries to alter his uniform every morning, so it looks nothing like a uniform, blatantly refuses to do things...... I absolutely dread the mornings now. He is an easily led child and I think he is trying to impress these other boys by acting like them but he is going downhill rapidly and I dont know what to do.

[emmie]

if really worried can you change schools, and tell him your reasons for considering it, it may be just enough to scare him into thinking that his behaviour isn't acceptable and that he can't behave as he thinks just because these other boys do. Of course he could be a typical teen and going off the rails a little, part and parcel of growing up. I remember what i was like though not till 14/15, and must have given my mother cause to worry.

[Smowball]

I have looked into changing schools, but there is a long waiting list. Also, dont think it would really help that much - there are going to be unruly kids wherever you go. Its just so frustrating - he was the one kid I would have bet anything would never have been like this.

[mickrog]

this happened for a while with my son.....then i discovered the other lads parents were saying exactly the same as i was and refering to my son as disruptive etc....it didnt last long and eventually went to Oxford University and is now in Australia.

[ummmm]

Been through it. I was at the school every week at one point and he spent lots of time internal seclusion.

I think it was partly his age, partly his friends and partly something else.

This continued for the whole of the first year. All I could so really was back the school up. If he played up he got grounded, phone taken off him, no games, no internet..and had to stay in his room. I think the summer holidays made him think a bit. I think he preferred not being in trouble...

The following September he found himself in a different class and different band.

He's made new friends now. A lovely bunch of lads. He still gets into trouble occasionally, but nothing that would worry me.

[NOX]

I think to some degree it's normal for a child however good to break away from his parent's influence around that age and to start to test boundaries and make decisions for themselves regarding friends etc. The problem is that in some children it's an unrult phase they go through and in others it sets the tone for life.
I would say having a good deal of experience with unruly teenagers ( not mine but ones we have fostered or mentored) that you need to pick your fights, and make sure they are ones that you can win. don't hassle about the uniform thing, most kids do that, don't object to him mucking about with his mates ( however much you dislike them) but do get on his case about behaviour that is anti- social or harmful to his cuture career, such as bad behaviour in schools. Unfortunatly the ' cool' kids are always the ones who will get you into trouble, and they are therefore by definition more exciting to be around at his age. For the most part this just sounds like galloping hormones and normal laddish behaviour, and will hopefully pass if you manage it well enough.

[ummmm]

I agree with NOX. Concentrate on the important things. Having their shirt out of their trousers is not important in the grand scheme of things.

[Smowball]

I have already banned him from taking his new mobile to school, as the deal wen he got it was that he was not allowed to take it into school incase he lost it, yet the school rang me and said it was taken from him during history as his friend had it and was taking photos of the history teacher during the lesson!

[Mosaic]

It is tempting to say that this is a phase and will pass, but it obviously the cause of huge friction (*if* it is just a phase), plus I share your concerns about the friends he's made.
One thing you need to realise about modern secondary schools is that life is made hell for kids who 'the pack' deem in any way different. So answering teachers questions, not joining in disruption, are all good enough to get you a kicking at breaktime.
Some schools attempt to deal with this - many schools fiddle around the edges of it and find it easier to blame the victims or say it's down to bad individual teachers. It isn't . It's the start of gang culture. This is a very difficult time for a bright eager intelligent boy.
Judging from the time of your post, I'm guessing you had another confrontation this morning and you've snapped.
Conversely, the disruptive kids may have latched onto your son because they want to use him as leverage to get money out of his family. If he continues to hang around with them then sooner or later the requests / demands for money and fashion items will start.
I suggest you look for help and support inside and outside school. The person who is in charge of the year group pastorally is the first port of call. It might help to get a confidential meeting and air your feelings - don't even let your son know about this - and test the water. See how they react, what help they suggest. It might be as simple as kids being moved up or down a teaching set, or sideways into a different teaching group. It will be a long game even if the school is doing everything it can.
But beyond school you need to re-establish a way of you both talking together without it leading to a row, and some kind of family counselling might help - try asking for ways into this at your GPs, and if they don't come up with the goods, ask via your local youth services.
All kids become awkward at adolescence and they normally come back to their senses but it does take a couple of years - good luck, and try not to give up on him however hard it becomes.

[ummmm]

A good kicking?

Getting money out of his family?

What kind of school did you go to Mosiac?

[RATTER15]

I think most boys do go through this, I did and so did my Sons, with a good stable home life and moderate discipline and guidance they usually come through it relatively unscathed.

[Mosaic]

Taught it state secondaries for decades, seen a lot of stuff no human eye should ever see.

[EvianBaby]

The other boys parents are probably wondering what happened to their little angels too.

My adorable, kind hearted, thoughtful nephew joined secondary in September and turned into a little sh*t. As did his sister the year before.

They've gone back to being the little ones in the school instead of the big kids in the playground and they are surrounded by tons of people they never knew before. It's just a weird time for them. He'll get over it.

[ummmm]

I think that might have made you into a cynic Mosiac.

[Mosaic]

Undoubtedly.

[RATTER15]

Mosaic, do you really think that most schools and kids are like that? where did you teach, the Bronx?

[rowanwitch]

It was like that in inner city comps 40 years ago should think its worse rather than better now... But the rebels with good stable homes mostly settled down by exam time once they got their heads round the idea that the alternative was working in a burger bar or a supermarket if they could get work at all

[Smowball]

I definitely am questioning whether I sent him to the right school. It was known as being a troublesome school but with a new head etc they turned it around and the Ofsted reports are/were very good re exam results etc. Whether it is regressing I dont know. Several kids have been expelled already, maybe it is a bad year intake, I dont know.

[ummmm]

If kids are being expelled then the schools policy is obviously low tolerance on bad behaviour.

[Smowball]

Yes I agree ummm, but they seem to have so many disruptive kids at the moment. And because a couple of the ringleaders in his year have taken a shine to my son, well he thinks its cool. Maybe you're right, pick which battles are worth having.

[ummmm]

If you don't pick your battles, it will be one continuous battle.

Be consistent...