teenage dating

[LynM]

my 16 year old daughter seems to think she is in love with a 21 year old boy. I have threatened everything and I need some support.

[woofgang]

First of all, loads of sympathy to you. I am sure that you love your daughter and want what is best for her. Do you know the boy? what is he like? 21 year old can be quite pleasant normal people and boys her own age can be real (insert your own word here)s

andy has it right really all you can do is keep the channels of communication open and make sure that all your daughters friends are welcome in your home

[FP]

I am 58 now.  My first real boyfriend was 21 when I was 16 and I have to admit to never liking young boys of my own age, they just seemed terribly immature and stupid.  My parents met him and never questioned our relationship.  He was a great guy.  Not all 21 year old guys are rogues.   Have you met the lad in question?  Obviously, this would be advisable.  Personally, I don't think it's too big an age gap.

It is very difficult to comment on relationships without knowing the people concerned.   

I think you have to take a few deep breaths and try to talk to your daughter in an adult fashion and try to treat her as an equal.  Threats and objections will drive her more towards him.

[FP]

ps   It is not impossible to be in love at 16!

[magicdice]

hello, i'm someone's 17 year old daughter. if my mum tried to stop me going out with someone, i probably would stay with him despite her objections. really, there's not an awful lot you can do about it. plus, that's not too much of an age gap really - most girls our age go out with older boys (seriously, if you know many 17 year old boys you'll totally understand this). age shouldn't be that much of an issue really. some of us just get on better with older guys (my most recent ex is 25). just leave it as it is, odds are they'll fall out of love pretty soon, and if you're not trying to get her to break up with him then she won't feel inclined to prove you wrong.

good luck

[spammylou]

i agree with magicdice. As a 33 yr old, *once 17!) I too did the same thing and went out with someone who was 21. It's not the age, it's the person that matters. So get to meet him, let her find out the hard way (if there is to be one), otherwise she, like I did may resent people for not liking it and was pushed further away by the threats!!! 

[ALLO]

the more you try to pry her apart from this guy the further you are gonna push her away from you! let her go. the best thing you could do is let her make her own mistakes. my mum tryed that with me and i moved out when i could and didn't talk to her for a long time. in the long run she was rite! but it was a lesson i had to do on my own. good luck!

happy mothers day!@----->-------

[lacuna bless]

I was 16 and he was 21 and so mature and gorgeous! We married 3yrs later and have just celebrated our 26th year with our 3 lovely sons.  My mother stood back and bit her tongue and my dad gave me a lift to my first date.All you can do is educate, support and hope!

[nrmatth]

I am surprise of all the wonderful answers here. I really thought you'd get a lot of legal advice etc, which is accurate but not very pleasant for you or your daughter. But I do want to stress what andy said about birth control. make sure she has something besides condoms. these are embarressing for girls her age to worry about and uncomfortable for guys. So the chance they'll be discarded is very high. I had sex at a very early age and was with my boyfriend for eight years following. If it hadn't been for my mom taking me to the clinic to get the every three month birth control shot, I most definately would of ended up pregnant very young. the once a week patch is very conveniant too if you don't like the thought of shots. but at least if you took her in to get the shot every three months than all you have to worry about is whether he's a nice guy, and not whether he'd stick by her if she got pregnant.

[woofgang]

patches, shots and pills do not protect from aids and other STDs nrmatth!!

[Jeanie]

When I was 15 I met a man of 23.  He was kind and gentle and mature.  He treated me with respect and caring - much more than any of the teenage boys I'd been out with previously. 

My father was horrified at the age gap and tried to stop us seeing eachother.  My mother felt that they should let it 'run its course' - and having met the man in question was reassured that no harm would come to me.

We fell in love.  Very simple.

We married when I was 19 and he was 27.  We've had two fantastic children and an incredibly happy and loving marriage and celebrated our Silver 25th Wedding Anniversary two weeks ago. 

Just relax - and be a friend to your daughter.  You never know - she might fall out of love with him next week.  On the other hand, she might have met the love of her life.

[nrmatth]

woofgang, your absolutely right, but parents can't lock her up or put a condom on them themselves. That's what educating kids is for. But they can make sure she's on birth control to keep at least one thing that they don't have to worry about.

[ALLO]

nrmatth- i agree with you! atleast then you wouldn't have to worry about a pregnancy. kids are gonna do what they want. and i think the shot is perfect for a teen. you wont have to worry if they took there pill, or switched the patch! i got on the patch after my 2nd child. the pill is not for me. i always forgot to take it. i forget my vitamins too! so i can imagine a teen would forget. i always thought that if you show your girl someone who had a baby and let them see their streatch marks that would help to stop the sex. girls want to look sexy, and hot rite now. they dont want streach marks all over there tummy's and legs! not to mention if you have a baby too early your not ready. you don't give the full amount of love that a newborn needs. it's alot of hard work being a parent! something i would have never been able to handle when i was a teen! i thank god i was 21 and married before i got pregnant. but even then i wasn't   fully ready to be a mommy. so anyway i'm rambling! point being that yes put your daughter on birth control is you feel she's going to have sex. let's face it, it don't matter what you say to kids they are going to do what they want to do anyway! I DID.

[Hadenough]

Great answers from all I think.  If our 16 year old daughter was dating a 21 year old, we'd frankly have been delighted!!  At 16, she is very tall and very mature looking (but still a child).  It did not surprise us that the new boyfriend was 22, but suspicions grew the longer we were not allowed to meet with him.  Imagine our horror when we finally discover that the "love of her life" is a 30 year old, jobless, homeless, drug taking loser who spends his lfe at the pub, spending state hand outs!

Our big mistake, with hind sight, has been to go absolutely balistic, which has pushed her squarely into his arms and away from home.  Currently we have no contact.  If only we had found this site sooner and read the advice of someone like Andy and others.  On the other hand, what loving parent wouldn't have reacted the way we did?

Meet with the lad.  16/17 year boys are pretty annoying (I know I probably was), and more than likely irritate the hell out of your daughter.  Her fella may surprise you.  Pleasantly we would hope!  If he is not the man you would wish your daughter to date, bite your lip!  Invite him in and be civil.  She'll figure out if he's going to "fit" or not.  A few impolite grunts or bad manners will soon embarrass and he'll be history.  Alternativley, you'll find him charming, and understand the attraction.

Don't lose her by trying to force the issue.  It may work; it may fail.  Unfortunately we are powerless to intervene these days, so one has to hope that they work it out for themselves, and not screw the rest of their lives up.

Hark at me - wish I'd given myself a talking to before reacting the way I did.  Mind you - see above description!  Time will hopefully resolve matters.

Good luck.