Teenage Son's and Pornography

[black_box]

My sons, 15 and 16 are very well-rounded young men. But it has recentley came to my attention that they are smuggling pornograpy into my home. I personally do not approve of this.

I've tried talking to them, and they just laughed at me and said that I didnt know what i was on about...I asked my husband and he said that he was too embarassed to talk about that sort of thing with my sons...I'm getting very frustrated.

They have started putting up posters of topless girls, their computers are probably smotered with it, whatever I do, they just dont listen, buy more, or pin them back up...I'm not winning here...

What should I do?!

[Mistopheles]

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'd back off a bit. If you've brought them up well (and you say they are well rounded, so you probably have), you just have to trust that it won't warp their view of women. Most teenagers go through a porn stage; providing it isn't violent or illegal, there doesn't appear to be much harm in it.

If you really object, then you'll have to put your foot down. Tell them, as nicely as possible, that while there isn't anything wrong with it (you don't want to make them feel weird!), you really don't want it in your house.

As for your husband, it might be uncomfortable for him to talk to them, but it's his job as a parent! If you really can't bare it, and they still won't listen to you, you'll have to kick him into touch.

[mystress]

If some "light" porn is all you have to worry about with your sons,be grateful,you brought them up well.

There are (many) Mothers out there battling children with drugs,alcohol,physical abuse from child, etc.

When boys/men are 15 & 16,they are not really in control of their sexual urges,it's all their hormones raging around!

Give them a couple of years and they will calm down,bur make a big issue of it,and they may find other(far nastier) ways to be rebellious!

[SC00BY]

When my brother went through this stage, my mum actively encouraged it! She even helped put the posters up! Within 2 weeks he was bored, the pictures came down to be replaced by a subject he was far more interested in. Fighter aircraft.

It worked in our family

[Gef]

As you say black_box they are "very well-rounded young men", thanks to the way you have brought them up. This is perfectly normal behaviour for men (boys?) of their age and there is nothing to worry about as long as it is legal "soft" porn. After all, some of the daily newspapers still have pictures of topless women in them.

[nfn]

black_box, who taught your boys the facts of life? If it was either you or your husband then surely this is a drop in the ocean. If they gained their knowledge from friends/school the I think both you and your husband should have a long hard think. We all want to be the kind of parents our kids can talk to about anything without fear of riducule, rejection or embarrasment. As for their computers, don't assume they're downloading lots of porn. Ask them to show you. You are the parents after all!

It's important to remember though, if someone is told something often enough, they begin to believe it. Don't let them think they're perverts. They're not, they're healthy hormonal young men.

[black_box]

so I'm being too hard on this?
I've tried to get my husband to talk to them, but he refuses every time. Last night he told me that he didnt know where to start and what to say.
Thismorning I directed him and myself (in there now infact) to the local library so we could research the subject.
Do I just forget about this stuff all together now?

[black_box]

Thanks for all your suggestions / advice by the way...forgot to mentin that earlier...sorry

[blueeyedlass]

can i just say that i think its great that they feel they can be open with you about this rather than them being embarrased over it and hiding it away,although it may embarrass you but its good that they are so comfortable to do this.

[pixi]

my lads 13 and has a fhm calendar in his room (only topless)  me and my husband wind him up about it, but he just ignores us.  I cant see it does anyone any harm, I think you should just ignore it and not worry about it

[andy hughes]

I think the issue is less about the subject, than your sons' reaction to your point of view.

Tell them that while they live in your house, they will respect your rules and principles - they don;t have to agree with them, but they do have to live with them, because that is how the adult world works. Tell them you don;t want evidence of porn in your house, and any you find will be destroyed (that's destroyed!) imediately. They may, as ytou say, have some on their computers, and you can devcide how far you want to take this - but as far as pictures on your (that is your!) walls, you simply don;t have to put up with it. Respect is a vital ingredient of family life - ahd laughing at your standards indicaites a lack of it, and it needs to be sorted before it becomes the tip of a nasty iceberg.

As Al Murray says "My gaff ... my rules ...." Simple as that really.

[woofgang]

hear hear Andy!

[Lindy Loo]

While I agree with Andy's point of view, nearly all young men go through the 'porn' stage... they see nothing wrong with it and as you boys have done, deny they are looking!

I brought by my boys (now 19 and 18) up on my own and dealt with the 'porn' bit in a low key way... the more you try to stop them more they try to sneak it it the house. If it is soft porn, what is the harm? Some of the tabloids print topless pictures which several generations of young men have grown up on!!

As 'Mystress' has said at least it's not drugs, alcohol violence or hardcore porn that your boys are bringing home.

[andy hughes]

I take your point Lindy Loo, but the problem as I see it, for black_box is not that the boys bring the pornography into the house, but that they ride roughshod over her feelings, and ridicule her efforts to enforce her standards in her own home, and that is where I would have a problem as well. It's not that you do something I find unacceptable, it's your disrespect in refusing to comply with my wishes - and I wouildn't have that in my home. I have daughters, so it's never been an issue, but the rule would apply anyway, if they were behaving in a way I found unacceptable, they would be adjusting their behaviour to suit my way of thinking, not the other way round.

[jean88]

Totally agreed with andy. The issue here is RESPECT.

[Clanad]

While agreeing totally with andy, I think there is another important issue involved.  Several years ago here in the U.S., Ted Bundy was finally arrested for a long string of murders that he committed on women.  The murders involved much more than just killing the women.  While he was awaiting execution, he gave a series of interviews and spoke frankly about his history.  He was a very intelligent and well educated man.  He stated that a young age he began looking at, what today, would be called soft pornography.  Mainly the pictures in men's magazines.  He went on to relate, that soon this was not satisfying enough and the habit progressed through several stages, until he was compelled to act out his fantasy's produced by the pictures.  I'm sure this doesn't apply to all men (or even women), but I do believe the habit won't suddenly stop where it is now.

Additionally, a young man's view of women is shaped by this habit.  I've talked to many friends who have related that their relationship with women, even their wives, has been difficult because their wives or girlfriends just don't measure up.  The pictures become the hallmark of what they expect women, not only to look like, but also how they should act and respond.  It's a completely unrealistic expectation, but a young man or boy that views women in this light (no pun intended) are in for a big let down if this is there only frame of reference.  Many will say "it's only a stage"... I don't think that's an honest assessment... in my humble opinion...

[nfn]

we're all entitled to our opinions Clanad :-)

[kick3m0n]

Read this yesterday but didn't get a chance to post.  I agree with Andy.  You are entitled to feel the way you do about your sons having pornography in your home and whether ABers agree with your view or not, your sons should both respect your opinion.  That they seem to disregard your views so readily and with such disdain is what really urks me about your situation.  They are being extremely disrespectful to you and indeed, by following up with the topless posters, are almost taking the proverbial......   I'm sure your husband is a lovely man, but he really needs to find a back bone and deal with his sons, rather than leave it all up to you.  Being "too embarrassed" is a very weak excuse for a grown man with sons who need a talking to.   Good luck. xx

[Hellion]

Boys (and girls) satrt to get curious about the opposite sex and there is always an element of shock value to parents. Might I suggest 'The Joy of Sex' it is a well established book albeit a bit dated but it treats these issues repectfully at the same time being illustrated fairly explicitly. It would satisfy their curiosity at the same time as teching them about loving  relationships.

[Hendrix55]

I am torn by this problem.  Part of me goes along with the 'it's a perfectly normal male thing to do' school of thought, but part of me is enraged by how misogynisitc and offensive it is.  In our society and within your family it sounds like the best way to handle it is let them have what they want in terms of magazines and computer images but ask them not to put up posters that you have to see too.  This doesn't mean you have to like it. It is a frustrating situation as you will feel inclined to be upset and stern whereas to them it is quite innocuous and the source of some humour. You will lose power if you let them rile you.

I think the male impulse to look at these images is normal (and not something they intellectualise), but there is something oppressive about the way the women are represented, their poses and the props used - could you approach it from this angle, rather than just saying it's all wrong? 

The politics of porn is such a huge area of debate and there is no right or wrong.  You just have to balance your own feelings (which are not objective however) with your sons' freedom, in the context of the cultural norms and values.

[morg_monster]

A possible compromise may be to tell them forcefully that you do not want to have to see it yourself, ie if you pop into their room.  Maybe they can take down the posters (or put some up with pretty clothed ladies!) and make sure any pictures on their computers are not easily seen, but  don't go too far as to prohibit any magazines hidden in their cupboard.  The outcome of prohibiting it altogether will be: they will still smuggle it in, you may snoop around trying to see if they have still got it, leading to trust issues and a massive headache for all of you. 

I know this is difficult, and I appreciate what Andy H says - but ultimately they are teenagers and they are meant to rebel.  Almost all boys go through this phase and if you really want to fight a war over this then fair enough but I think I would rather the easier life.  Make it clear that you do NOT want to see ANY of it when you are in the house, in their room etcetera.  Hopefully they should get the message that you do not agree with it and they have to respect your wishes but also see that you are not going to make it into a big issue if they do meet you halfway and start being discreet. 

If you did ban it outright then they would just go round their mates' houses and read it there anyway... or move out that bit sooner!