parental responsibility

[jo231068]

my daughter 13, wants to move in with her father,she has lived with me since we split about ten years ago, she also has a sister 11, and a half brother and sister, 6 & 7. can i stop her?

[greendog]

There are, of course, legal factors to consider if you want an answer to your questions.  However, if you are looking for a moral standpoint, I think it depends heavily on your reasons for stopping her i.e. does your concern revolve around her father�s capability to provide the stability a thirteen year old girl requires.  Or is it a discipline issue? etc.

[thikasabrik]

A friend of mine is in the same boat. Her 10yr old daughter went to visit dad and announced she wasn't coming back. There was no row or anything that prompted it, but coincidentally dad had just been traced by the CSA. The girl thinks all her birthdays have come at once as dad is spoiling her rotten. Mum went to a solicitor and applied to court for an emergency residence order but the court wouldn't grant one as the girl was happy & mum was honest & said she had no fears about the girls welfare or care. The court adjourned the case for 14 weeks so that CAFCASS (the new name for a court welfare officer) could prepare reports. My friend has been told that she stands little chance of getting her daughter back.......continued...

[thikasabrik]

...continued.....because since March this year the court takes into account the wishes of the child as long as the child is age 9 or over, and there are no concerns regarding care, safety etc. My friend is beside herself with grief but there is nothing she can do. Both parents have equal parental responsibility. I just hope my friends girl will get over the grass is greener syndrome & return to her mother, who has loved & cared for her for 10 years, 8 of those on her own.

Sorry if this isn't the positive answer you wanted.

[POTTSY52]

having been in that situation with a mum that tried to deter me, it made me more determined to go, I was 13 and I stayed with my father until I was ready to go back to my mums. you can't force your children into deciding which parent to live with, its probably the worse thing for a parent to go through but I really urge you to let her choose for herself rather then making it a hugely traumatic and stressful time trying to keep her, you'll only push her further from you, trust me been there !

[Annielappo]

My sister is 22 now and at the age of 12 she told my mum she wanted to live with my dad.  So because it was a messy divorce my mum flew off the handle.  My sister left to go my dads that night,  and she hasnt spoken to my mum since.  I still speak to them both but still to this day it is very hard.  My sister moved for a lot of reasons but one of them was because she thought the grass was greener on the other side.  I know it is hard for you and you dont want to see your daughter go she has become that age where she thinks she is old enough to make her own decisions.  I think you should sit down and talk to her and try to find out if she has any problems,  and maybe working them out together.  In my experience (and thats all it is) stopping her will be hard for her and she might just choose to go anyway. That is the thing you dread your child deciding to live with your ex instead of you and i know it is very hard for you because you will question yourself as a parent.  What did i do wrong? Am I a good mother?  but you must push these feelings and the anger to one side   Try talking to her dad if you can and see what he thinks about it all.  As i say the comments above are only my own experiences but i do hope things work out for you and your daughter.

[Elfin]

Were you married to your daughter's father when she was born?  That can make a big difference...

[jo231068]

thanks for all your help, i`m resigned to the fact i may not get her back,we were marriedbefore she was born. it may be a coincidence he stopped paying my csa at the end of july, and then took me to court  shortly after for contact, even though he has it?although i think my daughter was`nt expecting to stay there it looks like he has been planning something for a while.when he told me on the phone she did`nt want to come back, he told me it was because of my partner, but could`nt say why, just an excuse i think. i find it hard to believe the law allows children to be manipulated like this, 13 years of bringing her up,and him only seeing her regularly in the last couple of years, then she can just up and away. i feel totally betrayed.

[Emily Ball]

It must seem an attractive proposition for a thirteen year old girl not to have to share her father's affections with her three siblings and no doubt she will enjoy the extra attention and treats that go along with that. It does seem to me, however , that you are entitled to a full explanation , both from your husband and your daughter, of exactly why, at this stage, she wants to live with her father and not you and your partner, especially as the reason he gave was simply'because of your partner'. The three of you should meet on neutral territory and thrash out the reasons for your daughter's apparent disloyalty and antipathy towards your partner. It may simply be because she's feeling hard done by as the eldest child and wants a bit of individual attention.  In which case, unless you have a very good reason to believe her natural father's home is not the best place for her to be, let her have her way but maintain frequent and regular contact. Relationships between step-children and step-parents can often be fraught with difficulties and resentments , especially when the natural parents are still in the picture and I think you need to get to the bottom of this without the involvement of your partner initially..  

[POTTSY52]

second posting...

I really do feel for you but the worst memory I have of that time in my life is the way in which my parents fought in court over me and noone actually listened to me properly. for a child to have both parents that love them 'unconditionally' is more important then the bickering and I think you should show your unconditional love by leaving her be until she is ready to come and see you again. she will contact you when she realises how lonely it can be with her father away from all the hum drum of family life with you. best wishes and remember to not blame her..

[Emily Ball]

I cannot agree that you should leave her until she decides to contact you as has been suggested here. This could be interpreted as a lack of interest in her welfare on your  part and reinforce her feeling that she is better of with her father. I do agree that there should be no bickering over her between you and your ex-husband , certainly not in her presence. Moreover, when your ex -husband realises it's not a piece of cake raising a teenage daughter he has had little experience of caring for, he may well be happy to hand her back to you.