Being present at the death of a loved one

[kilkenny]

Some months ago my mother died - I did raise a question on this site and recieved many helpful replies about how it impacted on my children. Thank you all.

The issue I want to raise now is this. Many people tell me I am lucky as I was there when my mother died. But I do not feel lucky. The image of my mother taking her last breathe will remain with me forever.

It was not pleasant or like the movies when a head simply roles to one side and its all over. It was stressful and hard to bear. I would like to hear opinions as I appear to be the only one who thinks I was not "lucky"

[maggie01]

No! I know how you feel. My dad had a stroke and was admitted to hospital. The day he was due to come home, he had another one and never made it out of hospital. We all sat round the bed and many times we thought he had gone, then the nurse would see if she could find a pulse and then she would tell us he is ok. This went on for a few hours, till eventually the nurse looked at him once more and said that he had passed away. It was not pleasant at all and I could not bring myself to go and see him again before his funeral. This was quite a few years ago now and the memory does fade. Sorry you had to experience it.

[kags]

Bereavement and grief is such a personal thing, everybody will experience it differently. Some might consider themselves lucky to have been with a loved one when they died, but certainly not everyone, and you should not be made to feel as if you somehow are out of step with "normal" feelings. I agree with what was said above, that unless you have experienced this you cannot possibly know how you will feel, so ignore those people who haven't been there. And to those who have, just point out to them the experience was different for you.

These feelings are all part of the process of grieving, and I am sure that the images you have will be joined by other, happier memories as you move through the process at your own pace. Take care.

[Clanad]

kilkenny, you've experienced one of life's most difficult moments, but if I may offer a different perspective; Having been at the bedside of several who've died, I have found that my, and others, presence was largely for the benefit of the person dying. I've witnessed friends and relatives in this situation that showed signs of great stress until they heard the voice of or, if capable, saw someone beside them to give comfort.
There must be something terrifically assuring to have loved ones at hand at such times.
That's the last time one can demonstrate love to the dying individual... the funeral is for those who remain. I certainly wouldn't call it lucky, but I would call it extremely loving. In defference to other opinions, each case is different.

At any rate, my condolences for your loss.

[jake-the-peg]

I very hard experience to bear.

I know it's common for people to feel great regret that they were unable talk to a loved one before they died and tell them how much they meant to them.

I'd guess that those who told you how "lucky" you were may have felt this way, not realising just what a double edged sword that is.

Or how much bravery it requires

[copippin]

I tend to agree with you kilkenny,I was not with my mother when she died,and at first I was full of remorse,but after thinking about it,I had the memoryof our last visit to her (about two weeks before her death) when we went out to lunch and had a very happy time.Between that time and her death from a heart attack we were in contact by phone,but I feel that the happy memory outweighed the fact that I was not with her when she died,I completely understand how you feel.

[Drusilla]

When my grandmother died a couple of years ago, the whole family gathered around her bedside, including my young daughters'.
We believed it our loving duty to be there, just in case the dying can hear, or merely sense the presence of those they have loved and not feel alone. Personally, I wanted to be there, but my mother, her daughter wasn't so sure.
I agree the death wasn't a thing of Hollywood beauty, but we all talked about it and explained things to my daughters', who handled it better than all of us.
I hope you can console yourself that you made a sacrifice for your mother and painful as it may continue to be, you did the right thing, if not the easiest thing.
My best wishes are with you and I hope we've all helped a little.

[Chessman]

clanads, given a very good an compssionate reply. I was with my mother when she passed away, all her children were there, three brothers a sister, also a vicar from her church, it was what she wanted, so we were there, very peaceful, and she knew us to the end.

[CtpSupernova]

First, my deepest sympathy for your loss.

I am only an adolescent, but I believe there is nothing "lucky" about watching someone die, especially someone loved. If I try to put myself in your position, I think I would have wanted to be there, but I would certainly not feel "lucky" that I was there beside my mother while she passed away.

I can see that some people would regret not being there for a dying loved one, as would I, but it doesn't make oneself more or less "lucky" being there.

You are very stong and brave. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Best wishes for you and the family, God be with you.

[PatriciaH]

I was with my mum when she died.I did go into shock at the time but i felt as though she knew i was there holding her hand and talking to her.given time i hope you will feel you were what i can only describe as "fortunate" to be with your mum as many people pass away by themselves x

[Gnisy]

I was about 10 when I saw my grandfather lying on the hospital bed, with tubes running in and out of his arms and up to the mask upon his face. His breathing was heavy as if every breath was going to be his last. The antiseptic smell of hospitals linger within the room as my parents, my aunts and uncles surround his bed, all in silent tears.

Grandma was sitting next to him telling him which of his daughters and grandchildren are around. Sadly, none of this registers since all he mumbles about behind the oxygen masks were names of those who had gone before him. I was barely a teenager when I had to witness this near-death experience of a loved one.

Yes, it was tough, but as he breathed his last breath, I believed that he was happy to know that all his children and grandchildren were there for the send off for I believe many friends and late relatives of his will be awaiting his arrival in the afterlife. Eventhough I don't feel 'lucky' about being there but I think that was the least I can do for my grandpa. And it gives me closure too, for I knew my grandfather and for the fact that I was there to remember him for how he was. It was a luxury most of my younger cousins had to do without now. For that, I dare say I was one of the 'lucky' ones.

My condolences to you for your loss.

[WendyS]

No Kilkenny, you weren't lucky to be present at your mother's death but you were privileged, if this seems a strange thing to say. I sat with both my parents when they died and was glad they did not die alone. As you may have discovered yourself, it is a surreal experience - rather as if you are an actor in a drama, unable to believe what you are experiencing is really happening.

All of us have to make this final journey eventually and as as your mother was present at your birth, the cycle had a natural ending by your being present at her death. This final image may possibly be engraved for ever in your memory, but I hope in time the pain of the grief will lessen for you and that the happier memories will remain.

[sandrajo]

My first reaction is a big YES you are very lucky, but after reading through these threads it has made me look at things a bit differenly, my passed away 4 weeks ago this saturday, and i feel so angry and lost that i never got to say goodbye, i just wanted to speak to her one last time, tell her how much i loved her and she'll always be close to me, but she was gone when we got there, i do believe she knows how much i loved her, but would of loved to have seen her lovely smile one last time, and not to have died alone.

[Hermia]

I chose not to be present at the death of my father even though everyone was urging me to. I was a very young 21 at the time, but I just felt 100% sure that I didn't want to be there. I have never regretted it for a moment and have never regretted not being at the death of other people I know. If death was like the movies where the loved one speaks a few last words to you & then gently falls 'asleep' I'd be there. Everyone I knew was drugged to the eyeballs when they died.

The image of your mother dying will fade. For months after my father's death I just keep seeing him ill and in pain. As time has gone those images have faded and have been replaced with old memories of him mucking about and being a twit!

Unfortunately where death is concerned everyone has very strong ideas about how everyone should behave. It's very hard to convince people that something may be right for them, but not for you.

[MangoPete]

I concur with Wendy S.
I have held to many of my family and have also nursed those in terminal care in my early 20's .
Our society shies away from grief and death. It hurts the ones who remain, but it is an important part in the journey of life. Other cultures see it as a responsibility to ease theri elders through to the world beyond a horizon they can't yet see.
Through grief you have moved on into another stage of your life and that of your children.
It does change you , remember how you changed as a person after the birth of your first child. This is like that another door through which you have passed.

Caring for my parents in their last days as they did me when I was a child was a priviledge and you have the priviledge of being there as her spirit left her.
The body they leave is only the shell.
I remember that time with my mother, she was almost unrecognisable. Her old body as tired and wracked with pain, she had release and left her her body and you will never have the remorse of never quite making it there and wondering if she was alone or trying to hold on hoping invain you would be there.
I am not a spiritualist, far from it, but i have found my mother is still with me, not in a spooky sense but I hear her wordsand phrases in my head sometimes and feel her smiles and feel her pride when I look at my boys.
Life had never been fair or easy, but somehwere we receive the strength we need to take the next step.
I wish you strength and send you love

[shehin]

Lucky is not the right choice of word in this instance. Had you not been there with your mother in her last hours you would perhaps have experienced many feelings of anger and guilt. By being with her at the end you can, in time, take comfort in the knowledge that you did the right thing. Looking back, would you rather you hadn't been there?

[123paul]

I went to my father's funeral aged 12. It was, in my view, a big mistake, though obvioulsy i had no say in it.

I am amzed that young children always seem to go to parent's funerals. I have never been to another funeral, which can cause issues.

cheers.

[kilkenny]

Thank you all for your comments. I really thought I was alone in my feelings on this issue. To be honest thought people would be shocked and judgemental. In fact the opposite is the case. I have to say I now do not feel alone on this anymore.