step famileys ... any advice

[mollymandy]

i have two children , and my partners has two children , what can i do to make it work .

[suzi-q]

It depends on how old the children are.

I have 2 teenagers and my new husband had no kids. It has been extremely difficult and the hardest thing we have had to deal with in our relationship. The boys found it difficult to accept someone new telling them what to do. My husband found it hard to accept that teens are to a certain extent all lazy, opinionated and selfish and this is normal.

So if the kids are teens Id say its going to be very hard. If they are younger I dont have any experience of that situation but would say that try to give and take on both sides, try to understand that each set of kids has been bought up slightly differently and neither way will be wrong, just different.

Would be interested to know how you get on as after 2 years we still have problems although it is getting easier, particularly as my older son now works away during the week.

You and your partner need to be able to talk fairly and calmly and try not to argue or resent each others different opinions. Its not easy thats all I can say.

Best of luck - on a positive note both the boys were at our wedding last year and dressed in proper wedding suits and acted as ushers.

[andy-hughes]

The golden rule is: you two must present a united front at all times.

Children will play one adult off against the other if they can, that's the way kids are - if you have two sets of step children, you have double the potential, so that's a must. So, I'll call you M and him D -

"Mum, D says I can't have a buscuit, it'll spoil my tea!"

The B answer is "Course you can, I know you will eat everything."

The A answer is "D's already said No, what are you asking me for?"

Likewise, "D, I want to go out tonight, will you lend me some money and not tell M?"

Again, the A answer is

"That's not the way it works, I'm not going to lie to M, and neither are you, go and ask what she says, and then come back to me with her answer."

Get the picture?

[andy-hughes]

Continued ....

You must back each other up at all times, and if you have a difference of opinion, sort it out where the children can't hear you, or they will exploit the difference to the max. If you think he's wrong with his discipline methods, talk it over with him, but always agree with what he says every time.

It;s not easy, and you have double the difficulties, with children that someone else is going to help you to raise, but it has its good side as well of course. You can build a happy stable relationship for all of you, but you have to learn a large degree of give nd take, and tolerence, and teach it to the children.

It won;t be easy at first, but support all the children equally, while they get used to the set-up, and it will be fine. Good luck.