How do I cope with being a step-parent?

[wastedtalent]

I am 30 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has a 3 year old daughter . Until 8 months ago I had no contact with his daughter due to a difficult ex. I have no experience with kids and i'm finding it very difficult to form a relationship with her. She visit every weekend and is very close to her Dad, which I do not begrudge and am glad that they are as I to was very close to my father. But I feel very left out and unwelcome in my own home when she is here. I've tried to play games etc with her but she always wants her Dad, and when we go out for outings its like I'm not even there. I can't even make her a sandwich without her making a fuss that I've made it. My boyfriend says give it time but it doesn't seem to be getting better, I love my boyfriend very much but the situation has got me down so much I've though about leaving. She is a bright, happy child but I understand that she is only 3 and she probably doesn't understand the situation. What I also don't understand is that when I'm not around my boyfriend says she always asks after me but when I am there she doesn't interacte with, unless shes telling me off!. I'm a nice kind person and I really have tried my best, but where am I going wrong? HELP

[loulou80]

i have been in ur position,i know exactly what its like.i know its easy to say but if u and he are meant to be things will work out in the end.in the meantime try to find out what she likes and doesn't like,get some old make up and let her put it on you,or do some dressing up,get some paper and crayons, felts,glitter and make a picture together or try making fairy cakes and letting her decorate them.at 3 years old she probably won't really understand whats going on all you can do is make her feel loved and welcome and in time things will get better. good luck!

[andy-hughes]

It's a tough one - been there, so I know.

First off, you have to get your boyfriend on side. All children, even those with two parents, work a 'dividde-and-rule' system, that's just the way children are. You need your boyfriend to encourage his daughter to builod a relationship with you. He should encourage the three of you sitting together watching TV, all holding hands when you go out walking, that kind of thing. Alternate story reading at bedtime will help as well.

It does take time, but if she asks about you, the bond is forming, but it is slow, and at three, she is unsure of how things are working out.

Don't worry, your reactions, and hers, are perfectly normal, and it will get better.

You mustn't let her undermine you - if she asks for something, say a buiscuit, and you refuse, she should not be able to get round her dad, that's really bad parenting. Evenm if he thinks you are wrong, he must back you up in front of her, and discuss it with you afterwards - as indeed should you, because he will get it wrong as well.

Be united as a couple, be inclusive with her as a couple, be patient as an individual, and she will get to know, and love you. Promise. My 'step-daughters' - I don't hold with that expression - are 31 and 29, so I know it can be done - they were six and four when I appeared, so I do understand how confusing it all is, but with patience, and support, you will get there.

[Sparkles3]

I feel for you, and what I'm going to say probably won't help, but I just wanted to say it's not just because of the situation (although I'm sure that doesn't help). From friends that I have spoken to about my situation, it appears quite normal that a child of about 3 yrs favours one parent, particularly when they are tired, poorly or insecure in a situation. At 3, I also think they are really into pushing the boundaries...

My 2 children (3 yrs and 18 months) always want me rather than my husband, unless I'm not physically in the house, out with them, whatever. It is very upsetting for my husband (and me too) but I think it is a phase that they are going through. My 3 year old absolutely loves playing with his dad and will happily do so, but when it's bedtime, he only wants me to help him get ready for bed, read stories etc. My daughter is the same (perhaps copying my son, not sure). My husband and I take turns reading stories and getting up with them in the morning, regardless of any fuss that is made and don't give in to the children, supporting each other etc. as andy_hughes says. But it still isn't perfect by any means.

I think you need to hang in there, hard as it is, if you value the relationship with your boyfriend and it is worth it in your opinion. Perhaps you could spend some time on your own with her - take her to the park for half an hour or something like that because certainly in our household, it is only if I am there that the issues arise. If she can see that she can have lots of fun with you, she might come round a bit more. I wish you lots of luck!

[wastedtalent]

Thanks very much to everyone that answered my question...it's been a great help to know that other people have been there too. Thanks again, much appreciated :-)

[silverdaler]

i was also going to suggest some quality time with the two of you alone together . at first, just perhaps run her a bubble bath, get some bubble and soap crayons and have some fun in another room so she knows her daddy is not too far away. if she responds to that ok, try a trip to the shops to buy some favourite sweets or icecream. if they have chils supermarket trollies, let her push one round or perhaps you could buy her one to help with the shopping whenever you go . she has had a lot of upheaval in her short life so its not surprising that she is a bit aloof.

good luck. keep us posted as to how you get on. x

[shellby512]

i know exactly how you are feeling my now husband meet 9 years ago and i have a step daughter (nearly10). It was very hard in the begining because of a difficult ex and my step daughter used to say some nasty things to her dad about me, and she too only wanted her dad when she came at the weekends,.Her mum has tried allsorts of things to turn her against us but we have stuck together provided her and our 2 other daughters with a happy loving home, and now we really bond like mother and daughter.She would rather come to the shops, bake or just watch telly with me and the other 2 than be with her dad. Don't get me wrong it does take time and if you too have a difficult ex as your step daughter gets older it could get worse, But as long as she knows that you and dad will always be there she should be fine, It will take time for her to adjust to you but hang on in there it's well worth it in the end i promise.