What do i tell them?

[WiccanKitten]

Last year, in may, my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.
Following successful surgery to remove most of the tumour, he was given just a year to live. We have made the best of our time together.
He has been in hospital for the last three weeks, and over the last 48 hours has taken a really bad turn for the worse. The doctors have said they doubt that he'll wake up again. Its a lot to come to terms with right now, but I know that at some point in the very near future, my younger siblings will need to be told something about what happened.
The last that my brother (8) and sister (6) saw of my dad, he was sat on a wheelchair outside with them, in the sun, laughing and having fun....this was nearly a month ago.
The chances are, they'll never see our father again, and whilst they realise he is ill, and know that he is in hospital, they have no idea of what is inevitably going to happen. What can we say to help them to understand?
I'm asking on behalf of their mother, in the hope that perhaps she will let me help her to help them. xx

[Will88]

I am truly sorry hearing your situation. My father died when I was young and at the time did not really understand death. All I can say is be honest and clear, try and explain all living things must eventually die and go to heaven. Explain he will always be with them in their heart and memories. Help your mother who in turn will help you. Again my condolences.

[noxlumos]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are all going through and truthfully I can't really answer your question as the time for my mehodology is long gone now, as I'd have been very honest with your younger ones from the very beginning, letting them know that sadly sometimes people we love become very ill and ultimately die and to try to take the mystique out of death a little so that it never becomes a bogeyman to them and have let your Dad talk things through with them matter of factly. I do think that for their future wellbeing it's vital that in some way you give them the chance to say goodbye, whether it's by a visit to the hospital ( if he appears peaceful and asleep) or by going to his funeral. I know some people don't like children at funerals, but I personally feel that it's a healthy thing for them to be part off, otherwise they feel excluded and out on a limb with no closure and a sense of confusion.If you are dead against this, then at least let them do something special in honour of his memory to take the feelings of powerlessness away.Try just explaining that death is part of life and nothing to be afraid of and as will says he'll be with them for as long as they need and remember him.

I'm so sorry I can't be of more help to you, but each family is very different and knowing how best you'll all cope is almost impossible for someone who doesn't know you well.I hope it's all as gentle as it can be and that you and your family find a way of easing it for the younger ones.So sorry once again.

[jmahdavi]

I would have to say that I think they should see him in the hospital, it is unpleasant but it will help with the grieving process. However its probably best if they are not there when he passes away.

Again visiting the body after death will also help, maybe at the Chappel of Rest at the funeral directors.

No words will ever convey how sorry I am to hear of this, as not only are you suffering but your father is too.

It will be difficult to tell them what is happening, but I am sure you will find a way to do it. But give them the chance to say goodbye as they may resent not being able to do so.

[THECORBYLOON]

My Brother in Law died from terminal cancer yesterday morning. One of the saddest things was the termendous loss of weight which obviously had an impact on his appearance. He changed from being a stocky muscular man to a virtual skeleton. It may be better for yir bother and sister to mind on their Father as they last seen him, laughing and not as he is now.

Death comes to us all and even when we know it is close it is still so hard to cope with.

My heart goes out to you.

[little coojy]

so sorry wiccankitten, times like these are so hard and sad, its hard to no whats best to do etc, do they realise how ill he is or has it been kept from them?, my childrens nan died of a brain tumour 5 years aga the youngest was 6 then 10 and 11, she was only 50. the way i did it and it seemed to work for me was that they knew there nan had cancer and was having lots of treatment etc and they did visit, towards the end they decided on there own they didn't want to even tho i did, when she did die, i called them all together in my bedroom and told them, they all reacted differant and i let them grieve in there own way, one had lots of questions which i answerd honestley and the best i could, one wanted time on there own and one wanted lots of cuddles i respected there own ways,all kids are differant there are no set ways or rules, they all wrote there own letters to her saying anything they wanted, they all requested to see her at the chapel of rest and they took there letters with them and placed them on her, i let each one take the lead to leave when they were ready, only the older 2 wanted to attend the funeral so i respected that to. i found it best to answer questions truthfully and to follow each individual need and want, let them say goodbye in there own ways, i send you all my love at this sad time, and i hope this is of some kind of help to you xxx

[WendyS]

I am so sad for you WinccanKitten, not only for your father's terminal illness but because you seem to have developed a maturity beyond your years in wanting to share your mother's burden in breaking the news to your younger brother and sister. I suspect that gentle honesty is the best policy because they probably won't understand how quickly cancer patients can deteriorate towards the end and if they see your father now, probably vastly different from how he was a month ago, they may not even recognise him, which will be very traumatic for them and possibly have a lasting negative effect on them..

I suggest sitting down with them quietly to explain that your father is very ill and when he dies, his soul will soon be "going up to live in heaven". I personally wouldn't advise taking them to see him in the chapel of rest - the sight of him in his changed state may be too much for them to take in, and possibly they wouldn't understand too much about the funeral either.

When a relative of mine died last year, after the funeral, her small grandchildren were told that Nanny had flown up to heaven where she would be living in future. They were taken to the seaside with Helium Balloons which they launched with little notes to Granny attached "saying Bye Bye Granny and have a lovely time in heaven." It was a simplistic approach but not too morbid, but the little ceremony marked her death and departure in a meaningful way that the children could understand. Perhaps in due course you and your mother could do something like this for your brother and sister.

I do hope that when the time comes you will have the strength to cope.

[WiccanKitten]

Thankyou ALL so much for all of your suggestions, I am reading them over and over.
Between my mum and I we asked my brother and sister if they wanted to go and see their Dad. Both of them said no, without hesitation.
Tom (my brother) came back after 5 minutes, and said that he would like to see Dad how he was before he had medication.
The thing is, whilst they weren't aware of the monstrosity of the situation, and its inevitabilities, they weren't kept away from Dad.
I think his deterioration had a negative affect on them, and, intelligent beyond her years, my little sister came out with "Would it be ok if we just remember Dad from before?" I think they understand more then i give them credit for.....but its the impending closure of the final confirmation that will be so hard to tell them.


With regard to the funeral......my family situation is very complicated, and i believe it has been decided (unfortunately with a little help from my mothers beaux) that the children will be kept away from the funeral. I wish that my mother would give them the option, but to be honest, i imagine that both children would rather just remember him as he was, and not have to deal with saying goodbye through a funeral.

[WiccanKitten]

Thankyou all so much for your love and support. Its truly touching. Corby - I am so sorry for your loss.
Will and Noxlumous - i agree, i think that as long as they (and I) remember that he'll always be in our memories and our hearts, then we'll all do ok.
I don't think that something as final as the chapel of rest would be suitable for the children, its certainly not something i could deal with.
Coojy - bless your heart, you're always so lovely. Thanks honey.
Wendy - That is a lovely idea, and one i shall certainly put forward to Mum. In its simplicity, it becomes something meaningful, that the children could relate to. They're not religious, but with my neo-pagan influences, both Tom and Hattie have been introduced to the idea of angels.....I will ask them if they want to send an angel each to our Dad.

Its so hard at the moment, every time i leave the hospital, i say my goodbyes, and leave thinking that this will be the last time, and then i do the same the next day. I hear from the doctors that his steroids have kicked in a little today, and that he was slightly more alert, i'll be going up to see him tomorrow, and I always ask the children if they want me to say anything to him from them, sometimes when he can hear me, he blows them kisses.