A troublesome son

[vonda]

My son is 19 and still living at home. He recently lost his temporary job, and does not appear to have sought further work through any process. He runs a motorcycle, but has had 6 incidents in about 2 years, but the most recent one caused him to be abusive when me and his stepfather showed more concern for him than his bike, with which he seems obsessed.He regularly smokes 'waccy baccy', (not in the house), he has no thought for anyone or anything other than his bike, and I have now given him written notice to move out within 6 weeks.He is clearly avoiding both of us, getting up when we have left for work, being out before we get home, and coming home when we are in bed. How do I legally enforce this notice I have given him, does he have any rights? ( he has been warned verbally in the past) Incidentally, his absent dad sees no wrong in him! He does his own chores, but further rent will not be forthcoming without work.

[girlyrodders]

Hi im afraid i dont know what you can do legally but i know you do have rights to stop your son living in your house because he is 19.

I just wanted to say well done for standing your ground he is an adult now and he needs to understand that there are rules in this world and that people need to be treated with respect. if he cant do that i dont see why you would want him in your home.

If it was me doing it i would make it clear that you are doing it to help him grow up and get some responsibility but that you are still his mum and do love him. I think living in the 'real' world will shock him into growing up a bit.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

[noxlumos]

Vonda, I hope it ends happily for you all, but it's a devastating step to give your child written notice to quit his home and I can't help thinking that it's a grave error.Yes he has rights but surely this shouldn't come to this?

[oldwoman]

If his Dad likes him so much send him there.

[B00]

my heart goes out ot you vonda, i'm having more or less the same problems with my 18 year old daughter. At least once a week we have screaming matches which usually ends with me almost begging her to move out.

It's getting to the point where me and my husband are seriously considering renting a flat and installing her in it- basically before we kill her!

Good luck, let us know how you get on :-)

[Catso]

At 19 he doesn't have any legal right to live in your home.
Having been through something similar, I feel for you.

You have asked him to leave. If he does not, he will be trespassing. Even if he were paying rent, you could require him to leave. It's your house, not his.

It's then a matter for the courts. Unfortunately, this will cost you, although you'd probably get costs awarded.

It's a serious step though, and perhaps you wouldn't wish to go that far. Though if he calls your bluff, and you back down, you could be stuck with him for years.

[suzi-q]

Who'd be a parent eh?

Its the most thankless task anyone could do. I feel very sorry for you and think you need to show him that you mean what you say. Its tough love. Im sure you would love to have a good relationship with him and have tried your hardest to do so. I don't know the legal position but ...

Would his absent father let him live there? Or maybe he could live there during the week and come back to you at weekends, that would at least give you and your husband a break and some time to yourselves. And maybe his dad would then see what you mean.

I know how uncomfortable this situation is - my 18 yr old walks round the house as if he owns the place and more or less ignores my husband (his stepdad) unless he wants something.

But he does at least work and lives away during the week. That break makes it bearable for all of us I guess.

Are there any practical steps you can take to help your son find a place? Maybe get some estate agents details of flats available for rent in your area or check out shop windows and get phone no's of rooms for rent.

Does he have friends he could share the rent with? I think you need to force the issue. Make sure you get to see him face to face and explain that you mean what you say and you will help him as best you can but that he must now take responsibility for his own life.

Hope any of this helps.

[vonda]

suzi-q, thanks for all that, it was good to have your view on the presence of a stepfather too.

[WendyS]

Dig him out of bed when the pair of you get up for work, and lock the door & bolt the chain if he's trying to avoid you by coming in late when you've gone to bed. If he had to spend a night out on the doorstep he won't freeze at this time of year and he might start to get the message. Tell him that trying to avoid you by these actions won't help.
Get the local paper and highlight all the jobs flats to rent and bed sitters. Give him a calender where every day the six weeks notice is marked off daily so that he starts to feel the pressure. If he's not working, don't give him any money, not even a penny. Let him start to learn that it doesn't grow on trees and has to be earned.
All this sounds like tough love. Yes, it is, but be he hasn't changes his ways by being treated more kindly in the past, has he? Suggest he goes and lives with his father who will probably see him in an entirely different light once he has to put up with him 24/7. Be firm now, and don't give in. Your husband deserves some quality of domestic life too. Your son is old enough now to start taking responsibility for himself and maybe learning the difficult way by being evicted is the only way the message will get rammed home, hard though it may seem at the time.