will it get any easier?

[jwmullins1]

I recentley split up with my ex wife, and was allowed to spend half the week with my daughter (aged 5). not long after my ex wife met somebody new and got married and pregnant within the space of 5 months. It was at this point that things went downhill. she stopped all contact with my daughter and when i asked her why i was told that my daughter wasnt really mine. i thought she was bluffing so i took her to court for contact, and decided i wasnt going to have the tests done. My ex wife forced me to have the test done and i turned out she was telling the truth. I am finding it increasingly difficult to switch off being a dad, her bedroom is exactly the same as it was 9 months ago when she last stayed. I know i need to move on with my life but i feel like i am betraying my little girl by doing so. I really need help but i havent got a clue who to turn to, my g.p will prob just throw anti depresents at me . Any advice?

[pimlico]

Of course you are depressed! You experienced 5 years of parenting this little girl, and you must miss her. But think how much she must miss you, and how confused she must be. Your head must be a whirl of confusion - anger, guilt, sorrow and - well - bereavement! You may scorn this idea, but I think you should forget the anti-depressants and have a bit of counselling. You need to sort out how you feel and then you will be able to decide what to do for the best. This may be to move on, or it may be to try and maintain some contact with your daughter.

[janetsflower]

As you have bought the child up as your own for 5 years you will still legally be allowed contact with her if that is what you want. Go and see your solicitor asap as your case will get weaker the more time that passes.

If you don't want to see her but wish to move on then see you GP - he can refer you to a counsellor and won't give you anti depressants if you tell him you don't want them. i think you also need to re-do her room - send her back anything that she can still use/want and try to remove all the memory joggers that are around your home.

What you ex-wife has done is a very cruel thing to both you are her daughter. You might find some closure in writing a letter to your little girl telling her how you feel and passing it on to your ex-wifes parents or other relative so that they can hand it on to the child when she is older. The poor little kid isn't old enough yet to understand what is going on and no doubt feels abandoned and let down by you. She deserves an explanation of the situation when she is older and then she can make her own judgements.

[minti]

I cannot think of a single constructive piece of advice to give you. But my heart goes out to you. Life is pants sometimes, but you won't always feel this bad.

[Pippa68]

The other answers are spot on, and I can't add much more..but I feel dreadful reading your story ~ you must feel bereft, and no wonder!

I take it that your name is on the birth certificate? as janetsflower has quite rightly pointed out, you have been raising your daughter as your own..what happens next is up to you. I wish you all the luck in the world x

[xanderma]

I feel for you, this is just the worst thing to happen to a man.

Do you wish to see your daughter? If so, please don't give up - as the excellent replies above say, you have been her father for 5 years, and she will be needing you as much as you need her.

As someone who was adopted aged 6 weeks, I strongly believe that real parents are the people who raise you and love you, not simply those who give you life. You have done this for your daughter for so long, you should be able to continue if you so wish.

To add further to the advice already given, don't dismiss the anti-depressants if they're what you need. Mr X has been on them for a number of years, as and when needed - he looks on them as a necessity sometimes to get him through his bad times - they can be a great help in the right circumstances.

Good luck - and can I send a hug?

[boobesque]

sorry, i too have no advice but feel truly saddened by your post, what an awful situation for you and your poor daughter.
Makes me mad when men like my sons father walk out without a backward glance.
Big hugs for you and i hope someone can help you better than me

[jwmullins1]

thank you for your advice. i did try and get some access after i found out, but my solictior told me that i would be lucky to get a few hours once a fortnight, and if the ex wife stopped me seeing her, it would takes months to get her back in court, and the courts would no punish her for stopping contact and she would be free to do it again. After speaking to cafcass as well, who brutally told me that i would be seen as no more than an ex boyfreind of her mum I decided that i should tell my daughter the truth as her mum would have filled her with lies. I told her in a way not to demonise her mum and i said that when she was older she was to come and find me as i will allways be there for her.

[janetsflower]

i really feel for you but you do have the right to see her even if only for a few hours a week, i would treasure that for what it is. In a few years time your little girl will be able to make more decisions for herself and if she wants to spend more time with you then you will be able to say so and the courts will listen to her. Don't throw that opportunity away if she is that important to you. Equally though, your solicitor is correct in saying that your wife can break the order with no repercussions, mine advised me to do exactly that to my ex husband but at the end of the day my son made his own mind up. Your case would be stronger if you were providing financially for the child as the CSA can make you do if you have brought the child up whether or not she is biologically yours. Its all a crazy situation but at the end of the day your little girl will have the final say. Don't just go with what the first solicitor says though, seek the advice of another or two, usually the initial half hour consultation is free so it might be worth shopping around. I really really hope things work out for you but you have to make the ffort and show your little girl that you are fighting for her so she knowes you really want to be her dad. It will mean a lot to her when she is grown up.

[jwmullins1]

i would like nothing more than to still be an active part in my daughters life, unfortunately her mum and new husband have other ideas. so far i have been threatened by her new husband to stay away, the ex wife has also told everybody who will listen that i have stolen my daughters savings ( which the complete opposite has happened. i found out the ex has withdrawn �4000 out of the savings account i set up for her, so i froze all the accounts!). she has aslo told her family that if she finds out they have had any contact with me she will ban them from seeing her. i belive that if i continued to push this then she would start to try and turn my daughter against me, and that is the last sort of enviroment i want her to grow up in. i just hope and pray that when she is old enough she will find me, i have saved all the letters from both solicitors and the social services which prove how much i fought for her and how much lies her mum made up to try and stop me seeing her.
I just feel like i have to put a stop to this before something worse happens.

[Beanmistriss]

I feel so bad for you, women can be the most wicked and vindictive creatures. It's a real shame when people think more about themselves than whats best for their kids. But kids take in a whole lot more than many people think and hopefull one day she'll work it all out and come looking for you. Fingers crossed x

[888sally888]

You poor man - I think she sounds a dreadful woman and I hope you find better and happiness in the future.

Try and stay afloat as you sound like you have lots to offer someone in the future. Good luck x

[Pippa68]

I ditto the last answers ~ I so hope things work out the way you wish them to...your daughter deserves a dad like you, and this is truly heartbreaking.

I will add that I don't think janetsflower is correct regarding the CSA. Once a DNA test proves you are not the biological father they will not pursue you for maintenance, regardless of your part in the childs upbringing. I'm not sure if your ex will ask you to contribute (it doesn't appear she will) but if you do decide to keep in contact and send money/gifts DO keep a record of it (even if they are sent back). It will work in both your and your daughters favour. All the best xxx

[mimififi]

I know a family with a little girl who is legally adopted by the man. this man was boy friend to a woman (not husband) who was mother of this little girl. She then ran off temporarily and left the girl with this man. She then came back and wanted to be a mother again and he took her to court and won not only custardy but also he has now legally adopted her as his own.

Now I'm not suggesting that you should do this, but there are cases when people are awarded contact and parental responsibility because they have been an unswerving presence in the child's life. Multiple people can have parental responsibility for a child and it is awarded by the court.

As others have said: get to a solicitor who specialises is family law as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be for the court to decide. You must make every effort to have contact also while you are waiting for your court appointment.

It is not fair that you have been treated in this way. There are obviously unstable characteristics in you ex wife which could prove difficult for your daughter in the future.

The courts do recognise, however, that it is not only sperm that a father makes. regular and purposeful contact is much more powerful in court. The courts ALWAYS decide in the child's best interests and don't really give two hoots about the parent's. They rule in favour of the child and if the child will suffer from being cut off from the man she views as 'daddy' and (presumably refers to as 'daddy) then they will (probably) be keen to award you contact.

see a solictor today.

[mimififi]

Sorry, I just read the other posts in proper detail.

I know you have had poor responses from your solicitors, but there is NOTHING from stopping you going to court without a solicitor and filing a contact order. the court welfare officer will be able to dig to the bottom of it.

Can you get information from the bank as to where and how the money was withdrawn from your daughter's accounts? This may be able to be used in a portfolio of evidence.

I just feel that contact is worth a try even if solicitors are less than supportive as if (and probably when) the relationship she is now in goes sour, or you get wind of her not being cared for properly, you will need to have had it.

thoughts are with you Jwmullins1

[Bohne]

I can't believe it!!!

Of course she is your little girl, and always will be!
Your Ex should be shot...

[Pippa68]

Good points made there, mimififi ~ I did forget to add that while Mr Pippa was going through severe contact issues he did represent himself quite often, with excellent results (not to mention a lot of much needed money saved).

A judge will much prefer to deal with a parent directly, rather than have to speak through a solicitor during a case. You are a parent, jwmullins..this is worth it's weight in gold.

[mimififi]

Absolutely, Pippa, you are right. tbh, it is the court welfare officer who does most of the work and presents it to the judge/magistrate and so you don't need a solicitor per se.

I think you should go for it. All you need to do is pop down to the court house, ask at the reception for the forms, you fill them in there and then and then I think you have to post them on to the ex, although that might have changed.


I think you should definately consider requestion parental responsibility (you don't have to be a bio parent to do this, any number of people can have it) and contact. I am presuming you are not thinking of custudy, however, if things looked dogdy at home it might be the next step once contact is awarded.

you'll never know if you don't try. And if the new boyfriend threatens you, who knows what he might say/do to the littlun. And if he does (to you that is) then it only adds more weight to your portfolio of evidences that these people are questionably not fit to care for your little girl.