inappropriate friends?

[sophieb]

I wonder if any of you can offer me some advice? My 11 year, who is usually quite a nice wee girl is turning into a nightmare! She has a friend(12) who has not long gone to the 'big school' and has started to try and involve my daughter in all sorts of stuff! It turns out that this other girl has some new friends(obviously) one of which is another 12 year old who hangs about with 15 year old boys! My daughter is not allowed out on her own( into town etc) and is taken to and from her friends houses. She thinks i'm being unreasonable by not letting her 'hang out' with these girls! I don't think i am and i'm not backing down! The two of them were on computer yesterday(under supervision!) and I heard the other say she would set up a Bebo(?) for her but she would have to put in a fake date of birth cos you are meant to be 13! The other girl's mother doesn't seem to bother what she gets up to. Me and my daughter had a chat about it yesterday and it resulted in her screaming at me and saying i'm ruining her life!! I refuse to shout at her because i think she is just trying to provoke a reaction! It escalated into her slamming doors etc and putting on music really loud in her room(won't happen again though cos i took the plug off it!)What can i do to make her see that i'm only doing what i think is best for her. After all she is still just a kid! Thanx

[HJT40]

Ride the storm, they all go through it and at that age they are confused as to their identity, they don't feel like a kid, but they are not grown up enough to make judgments about certain situations. You do right not to shout at her, I wish I were always as level headed at you, I am afraid I sometimes do and always regret it after. I am afraid I can't come up with a magic solution, if I could I would be a millionaire! Your judgment on friends is much better than hers at this age, just try to guide her and one day she will realise that you are right and that, as the song goes, "being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up". Patience and a lot of counting to 10. I am sure you will get sound advice from this site, it has helped me enourmously even just knowing that my daughter is doing what other girls do and that I am not alone in my frustrations! Alternatively invite them round and keep an eye on them, that way you know what they are up to and where your daughter is. Hope I have been of some help, but it is nice to know that there are others out there! ;-)

[sophieb]

Thanx! I suggested to her that we write each other a letter to explain how we both feel and see if we can compromise! I just can't stand it when she screams at me so thought this would be a good way for her to get it all out constructively!

[HJT40]

That is a good idea and one that I am going to try - see private life again! that is me and I think you may be on to a plan. Even if they don't stop shouting at us at least we are given some kind of ideas of areas to avoid! Doesn't mean that they will stop screaming though! Perhaps we should try what the lady does in the advert when her child is about to have a tantrum, throw ourselves on the floor and do it first! Good luck with the letter, but be prepared I am sure she will be less diplomatic than you............ and she has the whole hormone thing kicking in! Fingers crossed, I am sure it will all be ok.

[sophieb]

I want her to understand that as she goes through life, lots of things will pi$$ her off but she can't go around verbally abusing people to get her own way! And that if you say something nasty in the heat of the moment you can't take it back! At least with a letter she has the chance to think about what she wants to say without it coming out wrong!

[HJT40]

I have just spoken to my daughter and asked her to write me a letter too and I will do the same for her, she seemed a bit bemused but agreed! Good thinking.............

[sophieb]

Good luck with your little darling! Mine is in from school in five minutes!

[andy-hughes]

Excellent advice from HJT40.

It would be great id adolesence took a weekend - they came home from school on Friday night as children, and went to school on Monday morning as adults.

But it doesn't - it takes years, and is very difficult and painful for all involved.

Essentials are keeping the lines of communiction open, and affirming over and over again that you love your daughter. Feel free to tell her that you don't like the way she behaves sometimes, but that you do, and always will love her.

The best thing with the screaming is to ride it out - if she leaves the room let her go, and cool off. When she is calm is the time to talk to her. Why not plan some 'girly' days out, where just the two of you do something nice? Then you can have a chat about life and love in general, with no pressure. You can never be her friend, but you can be friendly, although the boundaries must be there, and stuck to at all times - that's what creates security - in spite of the feeling she gives, that you are the worst / most horrible / old-fashioned .... blah blah - person on the planet!

Always plug away at the fact that everything you say and so is rooted in your love for her, and that is the only reason why you care enough to wnt to know where she is, and whom she is with. She's not your baby any more, but she isn;t a grown woman yet - it's that awful 'in-between' stage.

Hang in there - come on here for a rant, plenty of us know what it's like, so sympathy and support are a click away.

[sophieb]

Thanks so much andy. We have swapped letters and hers brought tear to my eye. She said that she knows that when I don't let her do stuff its because i love her and don't want bad things to happen to her !(She does listen after all). She said she didn't realise I was worried-just thought I was being a ' funsucker'(?)!!! No screaming or door slamming and we both got our points across! I'm liking the letter thing!

Thanks again to you both x