teenager advice

[spanner7853]

Hope anyone can help. I had a blazing row with my 13 year old last night about her disrespecting me, laziness and damn right mouthy replies to questions I ask her. Her dad and I are divorced but we have a brilliant relationship and I was thinking about sending her to live with him for a while. Does this seem mean? I have tried everything, talking, shouting,begging to get her to be more considerate but nothing works. I know she would prefer to live with her dad and already agreed that she could when she was 16 or finished her education but I dont think I can handle her anymore. Advise please x

[ganesh]

Bin there,got the T-shirt etc.
Well not quite because I'm not divorced,at least you have an option of her leaving home but having somewhere safe to go !
My daughter was horrible (and incredibly selfish and self-centred)at that age and reduced me to tears on several occasions but I doubt if we're alone on that issue. Most teens go through it and we as parents have some adjusting to do too. My daughter and I have a good relationship now that she is 16,not perfect of course, but we get on really well.
If all parties are agreeable then a spell with her Dad might be a good idea,her education might be a problem but a lot of kids (in year 8?) change schools.
I wish you well,there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

[spanner7853]

thanks for your kind words. I just feel at the moment that I am a useless mother. Her dad doesn't live far so she wont need to change schools thank fully. Most of the time we do get on incredibly well but when we dont it's awful. Getting to the point that when I was screaming in her face yesterday i knew it was breaking point. She just looked at me like a bit of dirt so I had to walk away.

[ganesh]

Don't despair,you are not a useless mother,you obviously care a great deal,and I know that 'look'well, I used to get it from some of her friends as well,especially at 14.
If you do decide to 'let her go' don't feel like you have lost the battle.Make it into a positive and temporary move.
I'm sure she will come back to you,both physically,and emotionally.
Good luck!

[spanner7853]

thank you ganesh

[HJT40]

It may be no conselation, but I am going through exactly the same with my 12 year old, to the stage that this morning I wretched when she started. Nothing is ever right, I am always wrong, she can hit out at me. When I asked her what she would do if I hit her (not that I ever would) she told me that she would run away. I know how you are feeling and I sometimes harbour thoughts of her living with her grandad. I used to love walking in to her bedroom and looking at her asleep, If I did that now not only would she not be asleep but she would want to know why I was in there. It is normal to love them with all your heart (that is usually being broken) but not to like them very much!

[spanner7853]

hjt40, I know what you mean. It's her birthday today as well to make matters worse and I couldn't bring myself to be nice to her this morning. Awful I know but I think there is only so much I can take. I dont like my daughter at all at the moment and I cant even look at her.

[banjobabe]

Hey spanner,

My son went to live with his father when he was around 14 as I was finding it increasingly difficult to deal with him. He was around 6ft at this time and prone to punching walls and generally taking no notice of me whatsoever! Unfortunately his father would not back me up in any situation and I think only took him in to avoid csa payments! Anyway my son was back within 6 weeks as his father said he was splitting with his girlfriend and had nowhere for them to live!

I think it showed my son that I wasn't quite the ogre he thought I was as his Dad was more strict than I was. He is now 22 and a father himself and we get on famously.

You can only ever be a 'good enough' parent as it is very difficult to know what the children actually want! As I (still) tell my children, I have never been the parent of a 22 year old boy and 15 year old girl and no one gave me a handbook!

Good luck whatever you decision xx

[spanner7853]

thanks banjobabe, seems like i'm not the only one that has had a nightmare with there once lovely children as soon as they hit teenagers. I only hope she grows out of it quickly.

[cameo]

Just to confirm what others have already said.
My daughter was just like that. We were always shouting and screaming at each other and it would usually result in either me or her crying.
She is now 15 and I can't believe how much better it is. We still shout and scream at each other sometimes, (we are both quite volatile!) but it is no where near as often as before.
We are now the closest we've ever been and I like to think that we get on really well.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just quite a long tunnel!!!

[Schlomo78]

Hi, I'm 28 now and was a total nightmare to live with as a teenager -my Dad lives in the States so couldn't really go and live with him -I used to throw things at my Mum, swear, scream, shout, smash/break things, threaten her- we even got into a full blown scrap when I was 15 (she won, not bad for a then 55 yr old! )
I made her life hell, I couldn't see it then though. We never got on great but when I hit 12/13 it really started and just got worse. She eventually moved house when I was nearly 16 and had just left school- although she did it while I went to stay with my Dad for the holidays and basically said she had enough and I would have to sort myself out. I had to go& live with my sister for a while until I was eligible for a council flat. Saying that, it really hurt when she went behind my back and did that. I really hated and resented her back then, but my hormones were all over the place. I'm very ashamed of myself now obviously, and actually after I no longer lived with her we became good friends and now are very close. I realised how much I loved her & needed her support. I think you and your daughter need some time apart before it escalates into something nastier&causes an even bigger rift between you. Maybe she could provisionally stay at her Dads for a few weeks&see whether she wants to come home&behave or stay with him...I can't see it getting better, I caused my Mum to suffer from severe deprssion it got so bad, and thats a road you just don't want to have to go down.
I hope this helps, and good luck!
:O)
P.S We still can't spend more than a couple days together without starting to rub each other up the wrong way though,lol!

[Suppressed]

I'm 17 years old, so perhaps my opinion will be of use to you! No matter how good your relationship is with her Dad there is no doubt she will have found things regarding the divorce difficult - I know I did when my parents divorvced. Perhaps she is blaming you for what happened? Explain to her the truth as to why you divorced and let her know that you both love her very much and want what's best for her.
Ask your daughter whether she wants to stay with her Dad for a while... if she does then say yes and let her! I think the best idea here would perhaps be for her to live one week at yours, the next at her dad's... and so on alternating it. As teenagers we all go through that stage! I used to go mad at my mum, then later realise how irrational I was but not want to admit it! Sorry Mum!!!
You said you've tried everything including shouting at her. Shouting really isn't an effective way to solve the problems... it used to make me get more mad!
Hope things get sorted
Take care

[shaylee]

Hi, i realise you posted the question a while ago, but i would just like to say, i worked in a behaviour unit for teenagers in a secondary school..... believe me there isnt anything i havent seen or heard!
make sure you have boundaries, but nothing too extreme, no matter what they say kids like rules and the feeling of safety. maybe she has been allowed too much freedom, or on the other hand not enough?
Just dont get to the point where you scream at her, kids will only rebel and it makes situations ten times worse, trying asking her how she would like to deal with a situation, and asking her how she thinks her behaviour makes you feel and how would she feel if it was reversed?
just try not to get too stressed, if living with her dad for a while will help then do it, just dont put any pressure or guilt on as it will be worse. maybe some time apart will benefit you. you can only try and find out!!

Good luck.
let us know how things progress. fingers crossed for you.

[Baby02]

Hiya Spanner and all others involved in this thread

My daughter was an angel until she reached the age of 15. Its like someone took her away and replaced her with this devil child we dont know anymore.She turned 16 last week.
Here are some of the things that she has done.... had sex with a 17 year old a couple of weeks after her 15th birthday (she had only met him the day before).... drinking.... smoking....had lots of strange numbers on her mobile, when i checked her messages it turns out she had been sending dirty texts to men she didnt know some of them in there 20s.... bunking school (dont know were she goes).... overdose of 16 paracetamol (cuz she couldnt have her own way) the lastest problem - she started chattin to a 20 year old on the internet who lives near us, we discussed this and she was well aware I wasnt happy.
Anyway unknown to me she had been meeting this lad and I found out that while me and her dad were at work she had been having sex in her bed with him!
Me and her dad were devastated.
Anyway she is now living with her nan just around the corner because we cant cope with her any longer, she has still been meeting strange lads and having sex with most of them minus protection (she thinks the pill is all she needs) dispite our talks about this subject.
I just hope she comes to her senses real soon before something really bad happens to her.

Hope things have got better for you all since your posts.