All sympathies, i have a 13 year old daughter too...It sounds as if you have got locked in the negative, punishing circle.. have been there too, and it makes life miserable for you both. My daughter is I am sure unhappy, searching for who she is, not really wanting to be an adult yet one moment then wishing she was 18 the next!
I have decided to leave the negative thin alone, as I said, I think it makes us both unhappy, and I now respond with a smile or comfort or chocolate cake! whatever seems right at the time. Believe me, it is so hard, especially when they are being the offspring of Satan. But I tihkn when my daughter does this, she is seeing if I will still love her and accept her. At other times she is tryinmg to get a rise out of me, so it works on two fronts.
Keep breathing, and catch her off guard but not giving the response she is expecting!
And as you can see from the responses, you are very much not alone!