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Lazy Teenage Daughter
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I am at my wits end with my 13 year old, I dont know where to begin with this one, she cant be bothered to wash herself, clean her teeth and put clean clothes on, I make her do it, she then chucks dirty clothes on from the day before, I pull her on it and she says there are no other jeans etc in my wardrobe when in fact there are lots! Also she has to wear a brace (a removable one) which will bring her jaw forward as its set too far back, if she doesnt wear it she will have to have an operation, half the time its never in, I have taken her tv away over this and then she does all whats asked for about 2 days..I have also told her she wont be going on school outings etc if she doesnt get her act together, but then if I do that she will spend all day in her room in front of the tv without washing and I dont think this is good for her, I try and encourage her to go out with her friends and am happy to take them to the pictures/bowling and pick them up but she doesnt want to know? I have never come across someone as lazy with no interest in anything, I have suggested dance clubs and more and she doesnt want to do it....has anyone got any suggestions to make her buck her ideas up?
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As a dad with three daughters, I do sypathise deeply, and understand completely.
It's called adolesence!
At this age, girls dip out of the human race, which makes them impossible to live with. The good news is, they do come back, but not just yet.
So, you see your daughter not looking after herself, and determined to slob about in dirty clothes - and you don;t understand how or why this can be, given the way you have brought her up.
OK, it's simply rebellion. Your daughter is going through massive physical and emotional changes, and this is her way of coping. Alienation is the top of her list, she feels she doesn;t fit in anywhere - home, school, friends, so she reacts by dipping out of all the aspects of life that show her belonging.
As her mum, you get this approach for longer, and with more intensity, than anyone else. It looks as though she is simply doing this to upset you, which in a way she is, but it's not meant in as nasty a way as it appears.
As you have found out, trying to butt heads simply gets you into a war of attrition, which underlines her feelings that everyone is against her, and makes you and her miserable.
What you need is a different way of appraching her. She is going to be a young woman one day, and a child the next, you have to roll with it. On the 'rebel' days, let as much as you can go without making an issue, and make a seriously big deal of being positive if there is any sign of mature behaviour.
Try and spoend one-to-one time with her - either go out together if she will, not shopping, she will be seen by her peer group - try the pictures. Maybe watch a DVD or TV programme togerher. Ask her at regular intervals if she is OK, and has anything she needs to talk about. Ignore completely the hostile response you may get - if you catch her on the right day, she may just open up and tell you what is going on with her.
It's called adolesence!
At this age, girls dip out of the human race, which makes them impossible to live with. The good news is, they do come back, but not just yet.
So, you see your daughter not looking after herself, and determined to slob about in dirty clothes - and you don;t understand how or why this can be, given the way you have brought her up.
OK, it's simply rebellion. Your daughter is going through massive physical and emotional changes, and this is her way of coping. Alienation is the top of her list, she feels she doesn;t fit in anywhere - home, school, friends, so she reacts by dipping out of all the aspects of life that show her belonging.
As her mum, you get this approach for longer, and with more intensity, than anyone else. It looks as though she is simply doing this to upset you, which in a way she is, but it's not meant in as nasty a way as it appears.
As you have found out, trying to butt heads simply gets you into a war of attrition, which underlines her feelings that everyone is against her, and makes you and her miserable.
What you need is a different way of appraching her. She is going to be a young woman one day, and a child the next, you have to roll with it. On the 'rebel' days, let as much as you can go without making an issue, and make a seriously big deal of being positive if there is any sign of mature behaviour.
Try and spoend one-to-one time with her - either go out together if she will, not shopping, she will be seen by her peer group - try the pictures. Maybe watch a DVD or TV programme togerher. Ask her at regular intervals if she is OK, and has anything she needs to talk about. Ignore completely the hostile response you may get - if you catch her on the right day, she may just open up and tell you what is going on with her.
ctd ...
It is a terrible time for everyone - she hates herself, and everything around her - you can;t understand why she is doing this, but at the end of the day, she is your child, making the difficult transition to adulthood.
Be patient, be there for her, try and avoid conflict, and you will both get through this.
Promise!
It is a terrible time for everyone - she hates herself, and everything around her - you can;t understand why she is doing this, but at the end of the day, she is your child, making the difficult transition to adulthood.
Be patient, be there for her, try and avoid conflict, and you will both get through this.
Promise!
Hi, sounds like you have a very unhappy child on your hands whose got little or no self esteem to be honest.
Everything that you have described is a textbook list of symptoms for depression which is not at all uncommon in a kid that age and my advice to you is to stop the confrontation of it as it's only likely to make things worse and to move her further away from explaining to you what the real issues are that she's having.
Try to sit down with her when things have calmed down and she feels less under pressure and talk to her quietly anf gently and try to prise out of her without pushing too hard how she feels about herself.
It's a difficult age and there may be problems that she's having that you are totally unaware of which are really bringing her down and making her feel that she's not worth the effort to herself.
She really needs your support at the moment by the sounds of it and I'm sure that eventually she'd welcome the chance to let you help her as it seems to me that she's just very very unhappy.
Everything that you have described is a textbook list of symptoms for depression which is not at all uncommon in a kid that age and my advice to you is to stop the confrontation of it as it's only likely to make things worse and to move her further away from explaining to you what the real issues are that she's having.
Try to sit down with her when things have calmed down and she feels less under pressure and talk to her quietly anf gently and try to prise out of her without pushing too hard how she feels about herself.
It's a difficult age and there may be problems that she's having that you are totally unaware of which are really bringing her down and making her feel that she's not worth the effort to herself.
She really needs your support at the moment by the sounds of it and I'm sure that eventually she'd welcome the chance to let you help her as it seems to me that she's just very very unhappy.
Thanks Andy, glad im not alone in this, feel like im living with kevin and perry lol, it is so frustrating to watch, feel like im permanantly having a go at her, ive explained that I dont want to keep shouting at her but she always gives me reason to, ive told her if she does the simple everyday things there will be no need for the shouting/talking to! Its like talking to a brick wall, I will do what you suggested about the positive feedback when she deserves it!!! and see how it goes, thanks again!
She shouts things like "ALL RIGHT THEN" and storms off doesn't she?
Yep got a 13 year old daughter just the same too.
Mind you one thing we've noticed is that she has a tendency to forget to eat and get really really horid. Then we realise it's midday and she's not had breakfast and she gets food inside her and she's OK again.
But she can be just horrid for the sake of it too - we wen't on a lovely carribean holiday the other week and at times it was like being trapped in paradise with Satan.
Never mind I'm told the first 18 years are the worst! :c)
Yep got a 13 year old daughter just the same too.
Mind you one thing we've noticed is that she has a tendency to forget to eat and get really really horid. Then we realise it's midday and she's not had breakfast and she gets food inside her and she's OK again.
But she can be just horrid for the sake of it too - we wen't on a lovely carribean holiday the other week and at times it was like being trapped in paradise with Satan.
Never mind I'm told the first 18 years are the worst! :c)
I really feel for you as I too have a teenage daughter.
I endorse everything the other people have said on here. My own personal way of dealing with my girl is to remain calm as much as is humanly possible. My daughter loves to try and provoke a reaction from us with bouts of outrageous behaviour and we try to appear not bothered, even though I long to shout at her. I'm sure my blood pressure has rocketed since her hormones kicked in!
Girls of this age veer between wanting to be adults and wanting to remain children.
Funnily enough, the person who gets most wound up about her behaviour is her 18 year old brother and she tends to listen to him. is there anyone in your family (siblings/cousins etc) who your daughter would talk to?
If it's any consolation, teenagers DO turn back into human beings eventually.
I endorse everything the other people have said on here. My own personal way of dealing with my girl is to remain calm as much as is humanly possible. My daughter loves to try and provoke a reaction from us with bouts of outrageous behaviour and we try to appear not bothered, even though I long to shout at her. I'm sure my blood pressure has rocketed since her hormones kicked in!
Girls of this age veer between wanting to be adults and wanting to remain children.
Funnily enough, the person who gets most wound up about her behaviour is her 18 year old brother and she tends to listen to him. is there anyone in your family (siblings/cousins etc) who your daughter would talk to?
If it's any consolation, teenagers DO turn back into human beings eventually.
I can top that
She once stormed off and slammed the door and then reopened it and slammed it again because I guess it didn't make enough noise the first time!
I almost wet myself laughing - apparently that wasn't the effect she was looking for though!
Just remember that at this age they are trying get the independence and respect of an adult but haven't yet grasped that it comes with responsibilities
She once stormed off and slammed the door and then reopened it and slammed it again because I guess it didn't make enough noise the first time!
I almost wet myself laughing - apparently that wasn't the effect she was looking for though!
Just remember that at this age they are trying get the independence and respect of an adult but haven't yet grasped that it comes with responsibilities
You are most welcome.
I have to say, typing my responses here at a distance, sounding all reasonable and calm, is a million miles away from dealing with my own offspring, who have at various times tried my considerable patience to breaking point!
The softer approach does work - try and remember, your daughter is feeling her way into her personality, it all feels very strange and not as little frightening, and hostility covers insecurity every time.
I have to say, typing my responses here at a distance, sounding all reasonable and calm, is a million miles away from dealing with my own offspring, who have at various times tried my considerable patience to breaking point!
The softer approach does work - try and remember, your daughter is feeling her way into her personality, it all feels very strange and not as little frightening, and hostility covers insecurity every time.
Although I have sons, I sympathise with you. The response I used to get was 'Wait!!' I worked out that boys go through a stage where you don't want to get close to them, as they either haven't discovered the art of washing (or what deodorant is), or they have discovered it and you can't breathe for the smell of their latest 'product'. There was one particular type of Lynx spray that I swear smelt of wet towels!!
It won't seem five minutes before you won't be able to get in your bathroom for her monopolising it!!
It won't seem five minutes before you won't be able to get in your bathroom for her monopolising it!!
Dont give up!!
My daughters are 16 and 18 now and trust me they have been vile but are really quite lovely now!!
Try to stay calm as your daughter just wants a reaction. i remember mine coming downstairs with bright red/green/blue eyeshadow and looking at me with attitude. I just smiled ans said you look nice. They hated it!!
My daughters are 16 and 18 now and trust me they have been vile but are really quite lovely now!!
Try to stay calm as your daughter just wants a reaction. i remember mine coming downstairs with bright red/green/blue eyeshadow and looking at me with attitude. I just smiled ans said you look nice. They hated it!!
I would just like to say that although most of it sounds like normal teenager rebellion/tantrums etc, the not washing bit is maybe not .... I suffered from depression very badly when i was younger and was very sad and i stopped washing, to the point that after not moving from my sofa for ten day, not washing etc my dad picked me up and dropped me in a bath after telling me i was smelly!!!!
So maybe just check that everything else is ok at school and things..
Maybe, if its feesable, take her to wilkinson/superdrug or somthing and treat her to some new smellies, deodrant , body sprays etc, face packs, nail varnish and have a little pampering session! Only cost like �10 or something but it might encourage her to sort herself out a bit...
She'll proabably still be sulllen and moody but maybe for an hour at least you'll have a nice time!
So maybe just check that everything else is ok at school and things..
Maybe, if its feesable, take her to wilkinson/superdrug or somthing and treat her to some new smellies, deodrant , body sprays etc, face packs, nail varnish and have a little pampering session! Only cost like �10 or something but it might encourage her to sort herself out a bit...
She'll proabably still be sulllen and moody but maybe for an hour at least you'll have a nice time!
Welcome to my wonderful world of teens. I have a 13 year old daughter who likes to grunt. You try and put her in her place sometimes or ask her a question which requires an answer(which most questions do I thought). Well to the point she grunts, rolls her eyes or pulls faces as if to say f you.
Try and keep a diary of her mood swings, this is what I did and very soon noticed patterns to her moods. It appears to be very much like PMT time patterns normally at its worst about once a month for about 3-4 days at the worst 5 days.
It's at those times I really bite my tongue but have known to bite back at her.
What also worked for us was when I was trying to talk to my daughter once, one of the times she was listening but not wanting to talk, I said to her I know you find it hard to get the words out so write it down and we will go from there.
Be prepared to read something you dont want to, this happened to someone I know. But it might get to the route of the problem.
What I would suggest is that on the days that she is not in I hate the world mood, make the most of those days to bond. My daughter is a real tomboy so do things she enjoys not things you enjoy, its the only way to move forward.
Try and keep a diary of her mood swings, this is what I did and very soon noticed patterns to her moods. It appears to be very much like PMT time patterns normally at its worst about once a month for about 3-4 days at the worst 5 days.
It's at those times I really bite my tongue but have known to bite back at her.
What also worked for us was when I was trying to talk to my daughter once, one of the times she was listening but not wanting to talk, I said to her I know you find it hard to get the words out so write it down and we will go from there.
Be prepared to read something you dont want to, this happened to someone I know. But it might get to the route of the problem.
What I would suggest is that on the days that she is not in I hate the world mood, make the most of those days to bond. My daughter is a real tomboy so do things she enjoys not things you enjoy, its the only way to move forward.
