My son has "came out"

[-0-Adam-0-]

hello, i am adam
on saturday my son who is 16 came and told me he was gay. i really didnt want to say anything at the time because i know how difficult it is for him. i am annoyed that he is gay, not because im a homophobe but because i wanted my family name to carry on, and hes the last generation along with my 2 daughters. i have 2 questions to ask, 1. is it my up bringing that made him have this preference? 2. what should i tell him, do i need to talk about it with him? thanks for your time, adam

[Jillius]

No, it isn't the way you brought him up. Wait and see if he wants to talk to you about it. If you appear angry the poor lad will be too scared to talk to you. Be there for him and love him as you did before !
Good luck

[Ethel]

It is nothing to do with the way you treated up, his environment or any such thing. It is simply the way he is. Well done you for having a son who can talk to you about such things.

Don't rule out children yet - he could still have children. If he weren't gay there is no guarantee he would have children in any case.

Tell him you love him, you're pleased he can talk to you and you may not know the answers but you are willing to listen and help him find them.

Good luck - he still has every possibility of a happy and fulfilling future, so don't be down hearted.

[-0-Adam-0-]

Thankyou for the comments
i feel i have to tell him something ill be supportive, it was a shock though.
anyway im not sure that video was very educational but ok

[sir.prize]

-0-Adam-0- A rather sensitive topic, however take encouragement from the two positive responses. Unfortunately, you can always rely on noknowledge to inject his unique brand of unhelpfulness. Saying nothing would have been a better discretion. But that is not his style . . . . .

[raysparx1]

Nothing to do with the way you bought him up, so forget that, the next thing to do is to go up to him give him a big hug, tell him you love him and all you want is for him to be happy, nobody chooses to be gay, as for the family name carrying on, so what its no big deal, all we really want is for our children to be happy and healthy, it took a lot of guts for him to tell you, so I would say you have done a great job in bringing him up.

[skyep]

Ditto ray!!! xxx

[jno]

yes, just tell him you love him whatever happens - this is true, right? - and he is free to make his own decisions in life, as all children do anyway. Don't go on at him about the 'family name' - whether he carries it on is now his decision, not yours; you've done your bit. (You never know, one of your daughters might have a child under her own name, or you might produce another son yourself...)

You don't need to broach the subject of gayness yourself, as it's his problem, not yours. But it is a problem - not nearly as much as it used to be, but there is still a lot of anti-gay feeling about
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jun/24/as a.advertising

- and he will have to be prepared to deal with this. So you should assure him you will always be ready to provide comfort, support and unconditional love.

[Eve]

It must have been a huge thing for him to tell you and it would be nice if you could acknowledge that.

I would tend to look at the situation as what is more important, the continuance of a name or a close loving relationship with your son.

Just make sure he knows that he can come and talk to you but maybe have a nice gentle lighthearted chat about things and be honest if you feel out of your depth if he has issues relating to his sexuality but that he can always come talk to you and you will find a way to get whatever it is sorted together.

[Eve]

This may be of interest and has some good links down the bottom :)

http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Family-Ma tters/-/Gay-and-Lesbian-Issues/My-Son-is-Gay.a spx

[Eve]

Direct link to FFLAG...

http://www.fflag.org.uk/

[Eve]

Direct link to family guide...

http://www.fflag.org.uk/documents/GuideForFami lies.pdf

[grumpy80]

I am a lesbian and I came out at 18. My family were of a strict religious variety. I was subsequently chucked out or should that be excommunicated from the church we belonged to, no biggy as I hated it anyway.

If your son has come out it is not a phase nor it is anything to do with the way he was brought up. The best advice I can give you is that you should not be disappointed with him, merely pleased that he has told you rather than hidden it from you. It is very hard to come out to friends and family and I am speaking from personal experience here Adam.

As for carrying on the family name, he may decide when he is with the right partner to adopt. Ok so its not your flesh and blood but you would love the kid all the same wouldn't you?!

You just need to make sure that you do not say you are upset with him and make sure that he knows the importance of safe sex.

Above and beyond everything if you are the kind of family that tells each other you love each other, tell him that and that you are proud he has told you. Maybe even give hima little white lie and say you already knew!

All the best Adam!

[-0-Adam-0-]

thanks people for the great advice!!
i will have a little chat with him saying im alright with his sexuality he is VERY inportant to me, hes still the same person, thankyou for that supernanny article, jenna. it was nice and reassuring. grumpy, thankyou for support. im sorry about your past i hope u have a wonderful future!! and ye im glad he told me, i respect him for that , but thanks people! youve helped me greatly

[ChocolatChip]

Just love him for who he is. No matter what life path he chooses.
I am happy to hear that you love your son, as a close friend of mine gets beaten and abused by his father, because he hates the fact he is gay.
Please don't ever get like that.

[grumpy80]

You are very welcome Adam, I am doing well now as I have a fab partner who loves me for who I am. My family have slowly come round to the idea of me being gay, it only took them 10 years lol!

[andy-hughes]

I am a little mystified as to why the fact of your family name not being carried on 'annoys' you.

I have three daughters, only one is biologically mine, and therefore shares my surname, so when i die, my 'lineage' will cease.

I couldn't care less! Why would I? I do not for a moment imagine that my name is important enough to need to be 'carried on' - for whom.? For What?

I'm not trying to decry your approach, I am simply curious about why you feel this is an issue that is important enough to mention in the same post as the momentus fact that your son has informed you of his sxuality.

Any thoughts?