My son has "came out"

[-0-Adam-0-]

hello, i am adam
on saturday my son who is 16 came and told me he was gay. i really didnt want to say anything at the time because i know how difficult it is for him. i am annoyed that he is gay, not because im a homophobe but because i wanted my family name to carry on, and hes the last generation along with my 2 daughters. i have 2 questions to ask, 1. is it my up bringing that made him have this preference? 2. what should i tell him, do i need to talk about it with him? thanks for your time, adam

[-0-Adam-0-]

I posted another question reffering to this one, but i cant see it soo...

"I just want to let you know that if you're having feelings that are different from other boys (or girls), it's okay to tell me because there's nothing you can say to me that's going to make me any less proud of you, or love you any less."

do you think that would be ok??
be honest please tell me if ive gone wrong/ if i need to say more
i wanna make this perfect so he knows im alright

[andrea81]

-0-Adam-0-

He must know it's hard for you as it is a big deal for the two of you to speak about. I think it's noble of you to make the step in telling him you are fine with it and I think he will be relieved to know that!

What you wrote is good and if it was me, I love knowing that, but...

My advice might be just a bit too symple and I might be wrong, but I think giving him a huge hug and telling him you love him would say far more than you can in a letter!

I think without a single word, he'll know what you mean!

x x x

[RevFunk]

You want the family name to carry on?

Who cares?

My family names stops with me and are my parents bothered? Eeerrr no

Just support him, it might be a phase it might not but bottom line is he's your son support him either way and don't start giving him guilt trips, there are enough unanted children in the world.

[trolly61]

Hi Adam, like you my son recently came out and told me firstly he was bi-sexual then a few months later, he was gay. I think he was just trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I really dont have a problem with it as I have many gay friends, but I cant say Im not upset that he may not give me grandchildren and that he may have to put up with predjudice all his life. I love him for what he is, but what I cant handle is this: since he has come out, he has become increasingly more camp in the way he dresses etc. He has started plucking his eyebrows and wearing female jewellery, in general, becoming much more flamboyant in quite an extreme way. I cant pretend I dont find it embarrasing cos I do, and so does his 13 year old brother, who now wont invite his friends home. I can cope with him being gay but I really dont want it rubbed in our faces as its becoming so obvious to everyone by the way he now acts. He didnt act like this before he came out so we just dont understand why hes doing it now. He now goes for manicures every week and is thinking about having his lips plumped up. He just doesnt realise hes beginning to look ridiculous. I love my son very much and I tell him all the time, but I am finding it difficult to deal with all this. I wish you luck.

[andy-hughes]

Trolly61

I sympathise entirely with your feelings - it is a 'generational' thing, and I understand your discomfprt.

What you need to appreciate is that your son has 'hidden' his personality up 'til now, probably in deference to your feelings, but now that everyone knows about his sexuality, he feels able to express it openly, albeit rather more 'openly' than you feel comfortable with!

Why not have a word with him, and point out that although you love him, and respect his rights to be whom he is, you have rights as well, as do your family, which are being affected by his current need to advertsie himself to the world at large.

Explain that you have no problem at all with his sexuality, any more than you would if he was a nudist, but maybe at home he would keep his clothes on, to save embarassment? By the same token, maybe he might like to save his more outre wardrobe and manners for his social time, and tone it down a bit for the family.

This is a perfectly reasonable request, and hopefully, now that the giddy euphoria has worn off, your son may see that society still requires certain behaviours from us all, and we act accordingly to fit in with our loved ones.

Hope he can see the wisdom of your view.

Good luck.