Not settling into nursery

[jackie03]

My 11-month old boy started nursery for the 1st time 4 weeks ago.He attends part-time, Monday,Tuesdays and Fridays.But he is still not settling in.When I drop him, he cries - I know that's expected.But there are only about 4 days out of the 12 days 13 days he's attended that I can say he stopped crying after a while.Yesterday and last Tuesday for example, he cried all day and didn't eat anything.Please advise me.Should we take him away from the nursery?The nursery in itself seems OK.They've got about 6 in the baby room.

[Gef]

He should be at home with his mother or father.

[Kit]

Steady on, Gef. For a start, many working parents (me included) don't have the choice. We're on enough of a guilt trip already, feeling like we're farming out our kids. However, nursery gives kids things that they can't always get at home, eg how to share, take turns, play with other kids, make friends etc. Jackie, I wouldn't take him out of nursery. At this age he doesn't want to lose you - he's only just beginning to realise that you're coming back. Crying does not always mean that he is upset - it's also a ploy to keep you with him. Have you talked to the nursery staff for advice? They'll have come across this problem many times before. Sometimes making more out of saying goodbye and repeating that you will be coming back before lunch (or whenever) may help. It may also help if they have a "key worker" system - my littl'un has a particular nursery nurse that she runs to when she's upset, so she still feels secure when I'm not there.

[Hgrove]

I agree with Kit, however, if the child is crying all day and not eating, then something isn't quite right; I am not saying the nursery itself is at fault, but perhaps the nursery is too big/small/light/dark etc. Could you perhaps look at other nurseries? Most children cry and scream at parting, but as soon as the mother is out of the door they start playing. So I would consider whether another nursery might suit him better. Also, you mention they have six babies, but it is important to check they have the required adult to children ratio (something like one adult to three children under one year but I am not sure).

[FP]

If your son is crying all day and not eating then he is a very unhappy chappy and at eleven months old cannot understand what is happening to him. He is very young yet to be learning to share, etc. and what he needs is one to one comfort from somebody he knows well. Children that get this gain more confidence and will find it easier to be away from Mum or Dad when they get a little older. Personally, I would take him away from nursery and give him just a little more time at home with you, if that is possible.

[jackie03]

Thank you all.We have spoken to the nursery staff and they always just say that some kids take longer to settle. They said some have cried for like 2 months before settling (if they have, that is)! I don't want that to happen to my baby. There's one 16 month old there that cries from morning till close and they just leave him there all day.They say he's very lazy and wants to be picked up all the time. They said its more of whinging than crying that this 16-mth old is doing. I believe they have a key worker system but haven't seen them use it with him or suggest it.I don't even know how it works. I have been with my little boy at home till just before he turned 11 mths, hence his attachment I guess (I took a year off work).We don't really have a choice in the sense that I've had to go back to work. you know, finances and all.

[FP]

I would seriously change to another nursery jackie. No 16 month child crying all day should be accused of being lazy and whinging and thus ignored. Poor little fellow.

[Casey]

I agree with Fakeplastic. To leave a child all day crying on its own, what is that going to achieve? That is pure neglect and abuse in my opinion. I wouldn't leave my baby at a nursery at 11 months old, but if there is no other option try changing nurseries.

[MiloTheGreat]

Jackie, Firstly, I understand your stress. Leave any child crying anyway is really stressfull, when I leave for work, if my two girls don't say goodbye, I can't leave the house. From my experience with my 2 children, the foundation for happy children (most ages) is routine. If you do the same thing, evey single day, 7 days a week, your child knowns where they stand. There are no surprises, no changes, they know what to expect, and feel secure. You son is telling you he is unhappy and insecure. In your case your child is 11 months, at 11 months, memory isn't far developed, having 2 day in nursery, two days out , one back in, and then two out, is confusing. I would suggest keeping the three days in, then four out. He will identify with this quicker. He will also indentify with the current regime, however this may take some time, if he does to some degree. Keeping you child at home is nonsense. Allowing your child to meet new people and children will only give your child confidence.

[FP]

MiloTheGreat - Being at home with Mum or Dad does not mean not going out! I strongly believe that a very young child who is at home with a parent does far more socialising than a child in a nursery. There are loads of things Parents and children can do together which take children into the real world out there, meeting all sorts of people. When my child was little he was never deprived of company. Playgroups play a very important part in kid's development. Also, I seem to remember always having a house full of little playmates. However nurseries are a little world of their own. There is only a certain amount of stimulation that kids can achieve. Better to stimulate them out there in the big, wide world, with the security of a parent who loves them. That is how confidence is achieved. However, I fully appreciate that some people have to leave their children whilst they work in order to make ends meet. But it is essential to know that your child is getting the best possible care, and so many nurseries fall short of this. Jackie, you sound a very caring mum. I hope all works out for you.

[jackie03]

Thank you all so very much, Fakeplastic,Casey and MiloTheGreat.You don't know how much I appreciate these comments.U are such nice people.I will take him away from the nursery.I'll take him to another, keep the days together and see how it goes.If he still doesn't settle in the new nursery,maybe he might be one of a group of children who just hate nurseries and never settle (don't know if there's anything like that!). However, we have to give 4 wks notice in this nursery if we want to leave.I feel so sad to keep taking him there - 2mrw being another worrying day (sigh!). I would HAVE LOVED to just stay with him at home for now.Pity. If he doesn't settle in the new one (pray he does), I may have to just resign for a while or take up something called dependant leave for 4 wks from work.4wks is the maximum in any one year.But it'll be the last resort as I've only just returned to my workplace after my year off with the baby 4 wks ago.

[zgma]

I'm a little disturbed by the bias here that you should be staying home with your child. Obviously, that's the best solution, but if it's not possible, then is isn't, and you should not be made to feel bad about going back to work at 11 months! That's much longer than many people get to do. That said, I agree with the comments about your nursery - I would change nurseries. To leave a 16 month old crying and call him lazy is terrible. Yes, children cry when their parents go away, but any good nursery will try to comfort the child, and distract them. Crying in the morning, when the child is dropped off, is normal for a while. But if the child doesn't stop crying fairly shortly thereafter, that says something about the nursery.

[zgma]

Oh, we posted at the same time Jackie. Good luck to you.

[FP]

Hope I didn't sound as if I thought Jackie ought to be staying at home. Obviously, I firmly believe, as you say, zgma, that 'staying at home is the the best solution', if it can be achieved, and Jackie would obviously like to do so. I really do think that any form of child minding, although often necessary, is a second best option. Obviously, lots of mums (and dads) have to work to live. What I don't agree with is mothers/fathers going out to work just to pursue a career as the expense of the kid's welfare and then trying to justify it in saying that it helps to socialise the children and make them share. Any good parent will make sure this happens anyway. Sorry, if I sound as if I am on a soapbox here! I do understand and appreciate Jackie's position.

[jackie03]

Thanks .. I wish I could stay at home with him.I didn't take him to nursery on Tue and Thur - was too terrified to.I'm just now wondering how to get away from this 4 wks notice nurseries ask for in order to leave. I really can't take him there for the 4 wks - don't think I could even manage any part of it.What do I do?

[FP]

Jackie, you sound so stressed. Have you spoken to anybody at work about the problem? Have you a personnel officer you could see in confidence. Perhaps they would let you take your holiday now or let you have unpaid leave until you find a better nursery. Failing that, how about talking to your GP and telling him/her how you feel. Perhaps you are suffering from stress over the whole situation and he/she would give you a medical certificate until you get sorted out. It's such a shame that today's young parents are put into this situation due to financial pressures. I only wish the Government would help young people like you with extra finance instead of bringing in incentives to entice young mothers back to work so soon. In the long run, I feel it would benefit our country. Meanwhile, your baby must come first and you are doing the best thing at the moment by keeping him away from this nursery. I do know how you must feel. I am sure that with a nice mum like you, your son will be fine xx

[FP]

Jackie, As regards the four weeks notice, I would contact the nursery and just tell them that there are certain things you are unhappy about and cannot bring your son back to them. I am no law expert and cannot say if they could force you to pay for four weeks. However, I am sure that they would not want to enforce this if they think you might make it known to others that you are not happy with their care.

[Hgrove]

I have been thinking. If you live in the UK, have you thought about a childminder instead of a daycare nursery? I am certainly not biased in favour of childminders myself as I have had grief from some of mine - one was always off sick, one gave up after 12 weeks because of back pain etc. But I also know people who have been very happy with their childminders and I currently have a very good one. Childminding is the type of childcare that most resembles the child's own home environment, which could be good as your son spent his first 11 months at home with you, as the childminder is a constant adult presence who looks after a small no. of children in her own home - unlike a daycare nursey where there could be a large room with lots of kids, noise, lights, coming and going, staff turnover... It might suit your son since he spent his first 11 months at home with you. Ideally you should get a recommendation from other mums of what the childminder is really like and you should of course, ask for and follow up references - ring up previous clients. I also have to say that some of the things the nursery staff said (which you reported on 29 Sept.) did not sound good to me - e.g. where they said a child was lazy and wanted to be picked up all the time and that someone took two months to settle down. Hope this is helpful rather than worrying!

[FP]

Hgroves answer is very good Jackie. I think what you have to do is spend some time really finding the best childcare before you go back to work, so that you are confident, knowing that your son is happy. Perhaps you could spend a few hours with the carer initially for a few days so that your son can pick up on the friendship between you and whoever is caring fo him, and associates you with the new environment.

[marwendamson]

Personally, I would contact the Local Authority and ask if anyone else has queried this Nurseries care. They have to have regular inspections and if the Inspector finds very young children crying alot questions should be asked. I would ask at the local CAB about having to pay them if you dont use them. If you write /ring the nursery questioning their methods, I am sure they would "ask you to remove your child"...they would then be "breaking any contract"...... worth a try?????

[Theriault]

We went through the exact same thing with my son when he was 9 months old. I would definetly switch nurseries, if your son is not comfortable in a situation he is goin to let you know, crying all day is his way of telling you just that. We moved my son into 3 different nurseries until we found one that worked. When you are looking consider how the providers are with the children. Are they warm and motherly or are they concerned with running a business. Do they play with the children, are there plenty of age appropriate toys? Be very picky and get to know the providers, if you son sees that you are comfortable with them he is more apt to be as well. Be persitent and dont give up. It took us 8 months to find the right nursery, but I am happy to say that my 21 months old son now hugs and kisses his providers good-bye!