Unhelpful grandparents

[snodgrass]

Anyone have any tricks to lure my selfish parents into being more interested in helping me with my seven year-old son. I am a single parent and really would like to feel that they will be there for me when I try to return to work full-time, even just as back-up should childcare let me down. I never take advantage of them in asking them to babysit too much yet when I do, their faces say it all. They seem terrified of having their freedom restricted, as they see it, and it has really been a source of upset to me for the last six years now.

[andy hughes]

I don't think you can 'trick' your parents into supporting you in this way. the support you need must be freely given and reliable, or it will cease to perform its function - to proivde a safe and happy environment for your child when you are not there. Why not try to find some other paretns of similar aged children near by, and suggest a 'rota' for childcare, school runs and so on. At least that way, you will be dealing with people who understand your situation, and are willing to contribute on a mutual reward basis. If you feel able, why not have a heart-to-heart with your pareents - they may be unaware that their apparent unwillingness to offer practical help upsets you. Communication gaps can mean that a desire to be seen as not interfering can be seen as an unwillingness to get involved. Have a chat with your mum, on her own, and see how the land lies. At least you'll know if what you suspect is true, and you can move on from there. Alternatively, you may be pleasantly surprised to find that she was just waiting for the word from you to start pitching in. Good luck.

[ICEMANSAV]

I agree with your parents sorry. They have raised their child(ren?) and have now the time to enjoy themselves, spendmore time with each other etc. They are grand parents and will take an interest in your child but should not be expected to be a carer even as a back up. I think what is upsetting you more is the fact that they are being firmer with you and not being taken advantage of. This means you are not having it all your own way and this will obviously annoy you. Without not knowing the history, what about the father? ( I am sorry if this offends or circumstances mean this is impossible) could he help? or the fathers parents, if they are willing and want to be involved?

[ursula62]

You chose to have children. It was your decision, and rightly or wrongly you are stuck with the situation, and it's up to you to deal with it.

I'm truly shocked that you want to "trick" your parents into being more interested in helping you with your son.  If you want their help, then do them the courtesy of asking them outright, face to face, rather than trying to trick them.

If they don't want to help, then that's their decision and you have to accept it, or you may end up depriving your child of grandparents completely.

 

On a more practical note, why don't you look at jobsharing options? You may be able to share with another mum and save on childcare costs by working together. Or see which local companies have childcare facilities for their employees.

 

 

[FP]

Sorry, snodgrass, but I agree with the others here.  Your child is your responsibility.  If your parents do not want to be involved in childcare then that is quite acceptable.  I would never have expected that from my parents.  Your parents have a life of their own to lead and you must accept that.  This does not mean that they don't love your or your child. 

[Hgrove]

I have every sympathy for you Snodgrass.  I totally disagree with most of the other replies, for ex. grandparents acting as back up carers (in case the main arrangement breaks down) is NOT taking advantage of them.  Grandparents should be delighted to have the opportunity.  It is their moral duty as well as a priviledge they will eventually regret missing out on.  One day they will realise their (grown) grandchild can't be bothered to visit them in their old age and will wonder why!  Plus you did not use the word "trick".  "Lure" to me just means you would like them to WISH to be involved with their own grandchild - they owe to themselves as well as to your child and yourself.  Plus, unlike what Fakeplastic wrote, to my mind your parents cannot love you or their grandchild if they behave in this way.  To Be Cont.

[Hgrove]

The harsh reality is that it is not possible to hold down a job without grandparents or aunties or similar prepared to act as back up carers when your main arrangements break down (because invariably they do).  There is even an evolutionary theory I studied years ago, as part of a module, "Psychology and society", which claims that the reason why females of the human species go through the menopause (other mammals don't) is that the best chance of survival for the young (who have the grandparents' genetic material) is that grandmothers can help their own daughters;  instead of continuing to have children of their own.  This offers a better chance of continuing the genetic line, as opposed to producing more children.  I did not get any offers to help from my inlaws (my own parents are much older, live abroad and my father is disabled) and looked on as my friends' children enjoyed frequent contact with their grandparents.  So I do feel for you.

[Hgrove]

(Last one). Unfortunately in practical terms I don't know what to suggest - apart from Andy's suggestion of having a frank conversation, initially with your mother.   Regarding Andy's suggestion of having a rota, however, I believe it is actually illegal - unfortunately, there is a danger it would be classed as "unregistered childminding" - so, whilst it is in principle a good idea, you have to thread carefully

[Hgrove]

P.S. I note your words were "tricks to lure my selfish parents into being more interested".  I am sure you did not mean to say you wished to trick them.  I believe you were just asking for tips or ideas on how to interest them.  I wish you the best of luck.

[FP]

Hgrove,  my son saw both his grandmothers often because they wanted to see him and he wanted to see them, not because they were involved in childcare or to help me out because I wanted to work.  My mother often volunteered to babysit, when it was convenient for her, I did not expect her to babysit.  My son is still loves his remaining grandmother and she loves him very much.  Personally, I don't think we should expect anything from grandparents.  In fact I don't think we should expect anything from anybody. 

[FP]

Also both grandmothers (unfortunately he has never known a grandfather) were extremely interested in his welfare and given him great support.

[FP]

And also, Hgrove, I love my son with all my heart and I hope that he has a family and I will love his children too.  However, I don't like looking after children and don't want the responsibility of looking after them any more.  Also, don't forget that most grandmothers these days are still very young at heart and often working in demanding jobs.  The times have long gone when grannies were about all the time to help their daughters. 

[snodgrass]

I seem to have started a debate here and the only perceptive answer is from Hgrove. I must say up front that I feel it slightly unfair that Fakeplastic gave me such a harsh reply and then revealed to Hgrove that he/she has never been in my position and in fact his/her child enjoyed loving and involved grandparents. I regret the structure of my initial sentence, of course I do not want to 'trick' or 'lure' my parents into being involved, I am hurt that they do not want to be more involved and am finding that hard to come to terms with. I do not understand why they feel as they do. For centuries, families have stayed close and supported each other and I believe it is surely some sort of primeval instinct in a woman to want to help her daughter, especially if she has seen the life drain out of that child with the harshness of her situation. There is of course a lot more to my story and my parents were often cruel and insensitive before I had a child. Post a divorce that was not my wish, they have watched me really do my best but suffer badly, with very detached eye. What I am really asking is, how do I get over the hurt and anger that I feel for them so that, as Hgrove points out, I can let my son visit them when he is older, so that I can look after them when they are old etc, knowing that when I asked for their help, I encountered tension and my son had a fairly tough and uncomfortable time with them. My own mum and dad are giving me no assistance to restart my life other than what suits them, when it suits them and I despair.   Thanks very much by the way Hgrove.

[veritysims]

I think the answers some of the answers so far have been a little harsh. ursula 62, if it is a case of making a decision to have children and being stuck with the responsibility, then grandparents still have responsibility to ensure that their kids are okay by helping out with grandchildren. Being a good parent means helping your kids out through life, not just until they have kids of their own. Personally, I cant understand why grandparents would not want to see their grandchildren often, they are missing out on so much. Seeing your g'kids once or twice a week or helping out with childminding once in a while does not stop u having a life of your own. i think they are being selfish and that snodgrass deserves a break here.

[veritysims]

snodgrass, i have just read your 22/11 (we must have submitted last two at the same time). I can totally appreciate why you're hurt. Bringing up children is hardwork, especially being a single parent. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your parents have hurt you by not being there for you and we all need our parents. Personally, if talking to them and appealing to their better nature hasnt worked then I would use a bit of reverse psychology and put some distance between you for a while, it may make them realise what they are missing out on. I am shocked at how unsympathetic the answers have been so far. I personally would have cracked up without the support of my mother. 

[FP]

snodgrass,  your first posting gave a different impression from the latter postings.  Perhaps I was harsh with my answer.  However, your question didn't indicate that your parents were not interested in your child, only that they didn't want the responsibilities of baby sitting or helping out if you go back to work.  My mother in law couldn't have helped out as she suffered from a form of dementia, but my son still loved her and she him.  My mother didn't help out because she was galavanting around having a good time with her boyfriend!  However, she was still loving towards my son and interested when she saw him.

 

Obviously, there is far more to what has gone one within your family than first met the eye and I am sorry if I offended you.  It just goes to prove that we should not make assumpitons and give advice before we know the full facts. 

 

I hope things work out for you.

[FP]

Also snodgrass you say that your parents were often cruel and insensitive before you had your child.  If that is the case would it be fair to leave your child in their care.  I don't mean this unkindly, but you do say they have made your child feel uncomfortable.   He is probably better off with a kind friend.  

[daddyg]

snodgrass I really feel for you. I know what you mean about the hurt and upset. Although my own situation is nothing like yours my parents have been a bit of a disappointment on the granparent front as well. Although they love my daughter very much looking after her or spending time with her always seems to be a chore rather than a pleasure. I spent a very large part of my childhood with my grandparents and they have provided me with some of my very happiest memories. My mum was also a single parent when I was younger so she relied on my grandparents to look after me and they were happy to do so. Because of this I thought that my mum would be like this too but unfortunately this has not proved to be the case. I don't expect her to look after our daughter but I thought she would love to but there's always so many conditions and it's always when she decides. As a result I never ask her and I'm made out to be the bad one. My wifes parents are like my own grandparents in that they help out whenever they can and nothing is ever a problem. In fact they are forever trying to get her for any reason.

Surely one of lifes greatest pleasures is kids and I have never understood why anyone wouldn't want to spend time with their kids or grandkids. I know we're all different but surely having kids around is a great excuse to behave like a kid yourself and that can never be a bad thing. I spend as much time as possible with my daughter and I hope that I am around to have grandkids and I will have to be dragged away from them.

On a final note surely the most important thing is family and families should look after and help each other. I really hope things work out OK for you and your son. G.

[ICEMANSAV]

We can only answer the question or give advice from the information you provide as fakeplastic said. We base our answers not on the knowledge of your history but on about 2000 characters of text, so based on that information alone we offer advice or answers. I can see your point regarding their older age and lack of support, but as FP said would it be right to wish to leave your child in such uncomfortable company?

[Hgrove]

May I just clarify something.  My comment about how the grandparents will regret the lack of the relationship with their grandchild was not aimed at Fakeplastic or anyone else on the AB.  It derives in fact from a friend of mine who lives near me, is happily and solidly married and has five children.  She has said to me on a few occasions that her mother has not sought out a relationship with her grandchildren - no childcare issue here because she lives hundreds of miles away - and now that she is old, she wonders why she does not hear from the grandchildren more often (the eldest is 19).  On the other hand, I have two friends who live close by and the grandparents are usually available when needed. One set of grandparents live two hours away but they do the trip when the daughter is stuck.  Sometimes I go to my friend's house before 8 am so I can look after the children, take the eldest to school (together with my own child), and then hand over the younger ones to the grandparents when they get there.  To that extent, you can certainly have a network of friends to help out when you are stuck.  About my note of caution on unregistered childminding:  my concern would be that, if you get organised with your friends to provide childcare in turn, some childminders might "shop" you - because it's business opportunities they are missing out on if mums help each other.  Sorry to be so cynical but I have had very negative experiences with childminders and no longer trust them.  Once again, good luck.

[Hgrove]

May I also clarify something else, partly prompted by Fakeplastic.  I would not expect a young professional grandmother to give up her career to look after grandchildren.  Not at all.  And actually, I did not like looking after children either;  If my child has children, I would not wish to be main carer, but I will endevour to be there for her if she is stuck. They say after all "it's a dirty job but someone's got to do it".  My experience has been that some things cannot be provided commercially.  Consider this:  childminders have to be paid in advance but do not (by contract) look after sick children.  So what do they do?  As soon as the child sneezes they ring you at work and order you to come and pick up your child.  That way they can be paid for the full quota of children they are allowed to mind under Ofsted rules, but there's a good chance that in winter, they never have to actually mind the full complement.  Or they want the day off and tell you that they have arranged for another childminder friend to have your child for the day.  But you have spent time and effort selecting your main childminder.  What if you don't like the one being thrust on you?  I once collected my own child from one such one-off arrangement to find the childminder and her friend having a cup of tea in a back room with the 5 children.  The visitor was smoking and the room was thick with smoke.  I'd rather not go into detail because it is all too upsetting but I have been held to ransom by a childminder - if I had had back up cover I could have told her where to go, and then taken time to select a decent childminder.  This kind of back up cannot be purchased for money.  Only friends and family can provide it.  To Be Cont.