Bednobs update - don't know where to put this

[bednobs]

Hi, Our son William was born on 18th May 2011

33 Hours later we made the very difficult decision to turn his ventilator off, to spare him more hurt.
Bednobs x

[bednobs]

Thanks fr allowing me to post.
William James Peter was born on 18th May 2011 at around 5 am
i had been in hospital for the preceeding 3 weeks because i had an unstable cervix, and was threatening to go into labour, As i was only 27 weeks pregnant they didn't want me to be at home, in case he was born as i live some distance from the hospital. I went into labour with a bleed at 1:30 am, and then started contractions. they were monitoring him throughout this time, and we agreed i wouldn't have an immediate caesarian as he seemed to be coming quite quickly. They took me from the ward to the delivery suite where he was born breech. They immediately put him on a ventilator and took him to neonatal intensive care. He seemed pretty stable that day, and we were allowed to see him for a while. At 5:30 am on the thursday one of the paediatricians woke me up on the ward to tell me he had been struggling since about 2 am, and we might want to consider having him christened if that's what we wanted. Both his lungs had collapsed and he had to have chest drains put in. His blood pressure was too low, and it wasn't perfusing his organs despite medication. He had also had a bleed on his brain and his blood was very acid, causing more damage to his organs. Later in the afternoon, things were continuing to deteriorate and he had a more extensive brain bleed. They told us that he had a very small chance of survival, and even if he did survive he would be severly brain damaged, unable to move independently or communicate. We asked them to stop treating him, and they disconnected him from everything except the ventilator, so that we could have a cuddle while he was still alive. They then disconnected the vent, and he died getting a cuddle from his daddy.

[boxtops]

Dear bednobs - you are so brave to post that, and to share it with us. I for one am weeping with you. Little William - God bless him, and his loving parents ♥

[albaqwerty]

bednobs, you post whatever you want whenever you want xx

Thank YOU for posting and allowing us to cyber-comfort you and Mr B. (It's nothing I know but cyber hugs to you and yours) xxxxxx

Obviously it is of no comfort whatsoever, you are all in our thoughts xx

[bednobs]

while i know we made the right decision at the right time, i can't help but wonder what would have happened if we hadn't made the decision then. I suppose it's smething i will think about all my life. He needed us to make the decisions in his best interests, but it dosen't make it any easier. I suppose i will always wonder if the outcome would have been diferent if i'd have insisted on a caesarian when i bled. These thoughts are torture.
We had to go back tot he hospital yesterday to talk about a post mortem and whether we wanted one or not. You have to go into such detail about what they do, for the consent procedure about retained organs, slides etc. We eventually decided to have one but with a few caveats - for example, We never got to look in his eyes, so i don't want anyone else even looking at them

[bednobs]

the PM will delay the funeral for a while (possibly weeks-months) but as we didn't have one for Heather, and they found out later about some problems she had we had missed the opportunity to find things out

[China Doll]

For what it's worth, I think you were both very unselfish in your thoughts and put William ahead of everything. I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been for you both.

[starone]

Oh bedknobs, what can I say. What terrible decisions to have to make. Bless all of you.

[albaqwerty]

Of course it's something you'll think about all your life. You will always thinks about and love your son all your life too. It was the right thing to do by him. You and Mr B loved the wee fella from the moment you knew you were expecting.

Do not destroy yourself and your relationships by wondering.

You might feel alone, your dear MR B might also feel alone, talk to each other and come here to get hugs on occasion xx

[boxtops]

That must be so hard, bednobs, you will go over and over it all, but no-one will know if anything could have been different. You made the ultimate choice for your little lad - as you said, to save him greater pain. He was very early, little mite. You and Mr B have done your very best for him, given the decisions which you had to make. Please do keep talking to us, if it helps at all - we can but be here for you, with cyber-hugs.

[Ellipsis]

Well done, bednobs, for being so brave. Death is not always the worst possible outcome ... you did the right thing. Love little William and cherish his memory and what he gave to you in his short life.

[Barmaid]

Bednobs, I can't put into words how sorry I am for you and Mr Bednobs. For what its worth, the hardest decisions are the ones we always agonise over for years. Wishing you and Mr B lots of love and strength. RIP Baby William.

[anneasquith]

i remember Heather and your heartache,i do believe you both made the right decision for William, i also know no medical staff would discontinue treatment if he had any chance at life, and im sure deep down you know this,i also believe your labour was managed properly, you will spend the rest of your life wondering " what if " but i really hope you find some peace and your pain lessens in the future., do you mind if i ask when Heather was born and at what gestation and weight ? i hope you receive support in the future from the medical staff involved with william and yourselves. i hope you continue to post about your babies, we may not be able to help, but we do care, ♥♥ anne.

[Barmaid]

Bednobs, please also allow me to pass on a message

"You are in my thoughts and wish to say that you both did the right thing for little William." Redhelen.

[wolf63]

You loved William and because of this you and Mr b made the decision to end his suffering.

As my late mother used to say - "Who said life was going to be fair?"

Best wishes to both of you for the future.

Susan x

[Mamyalynne]

You did the right thing with baby William, how could one ever bear to think of their darling child suffering in pain. Of course you will ask yourself over and over, if anything could have been done differently, it is something we all do. I doubt it could have been managed any better.
Your decision to go for the PM, may also help to get you some answers, I certainly hope so.
Sending all my love to you and MrB too, we are always here to listen.

Mamya ♥

[marval]

Thank you for sharing that with us, especially at this sad time. William was very lucky to have you as his parents, even if it was for such a short time.

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

[vulcan]

A hard decision bravely made, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

[Old_Geezer]

Have just seen this thread. Can only offer sincerest sympathy.

[karenmac60]

Please do not torture yourselves with regrets and what ifs - you know in your hearts you both made the right decision, painfully hard though it must have been. You did the right thing for William, even if it doesn't seem like the right thing for you and Mr B - I cannot imagine the loss and pain you must be feeling. Always remember you have one another and grieve together, as you did for Heather. We are always here to listen whenever you want to talk, Bednobs. Love to both of you, take care, Karen xxx

[bednobs]

hi anne heather was born between 27-28 weeks at 500 grammes
William was born at exactly 27 weeks at 800 g