Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[rockyracoon]

I also started reading the thread and wondered what could have gone on to estrange you for that long and would have voted for option 1, now I'd go with option 2 and make sure she left this world in utter torment, giving life to someone does not excuse you for behaving in a reprehensible way. I don't care if she was weak, or under the thumb or whatever arsed reason she has, she neglected to protect a child, her grandaughter, UNFORGIVABLE. That being said Traci, you have to do what you feel is right for you, only you can make that choice.

[Greedyfly]

This is a hard one. I can only give you advice from experience. I really wish I had spoken/confronted my father before he died for my own sanity and peace of mind. I have a lot of unanswered questions and it plays on my mind often. I however did not know he was going to die - it was sudden. So essentially I didn't really get the chance to decide either way. I also got/get a lot of grief from my other family members because I choose not to attend his funeral. It was my choice and I personally do not regret it. You should not feel pressured into something you do not want to do or are not ready to do. I think if you do go you go for yourself and your reasons. Like it has been said before if you can forgive her I would advise that you do - I never forgave my father and I wish I could but I feel that can't be done without his input, which is obviously not an option now. I regret every day not having that talk with him, regardless of whether we ended up closer or not. Some things just need to be said otherwise they eat at you and they are very hard to let go - people need that release. I personally think that some people do not deserve forgiveness - this may sound harsh to some but it really does depend on what has happened and the situation. In this case I could not forgive her (I am a very unforgiving person) but I think I would want to tell her how I felt. That be selfish but somebody wanting to make their peace on their deathbed is also quite selfish - like you say she had 17 years. At the same time I do think it will play on your mind for the rest of your life as a what if. Maybe the thing to do is to go and feel the situation out - say what YOU need to say, if it gets too much then leave and you know you have tried, rather than always wonder what if?! I hope you get some closure from whatever you choose to do.

[rockyracoon]

Traci, good luck, I'm sure you made the right decision and I bet your daughter is pleased as well. Is the husband the same man that abused your daughter.

[Jan1957]

I think you must have a lovely daughter if she was willing to accept you seeing your mother if you wanted to but do think you have made the right decision Traci. Just don't let anyone else make you feel guilty for not going. My very best wishes to you and your daughter. xx

[Jumbo747]

I have just read all of this thread; I had already decided that if it was me, I couldn't have gone to see her but you have made your own decision and I think it's right for you. If your step-father was there, albeit giving you '5 mins' with your mother, you will put yourself through agony.
Don't go; she had ample time in the 17 yrs to say sorry.
Hug in an email x

[Traci66]

Yes Rocky, he is the same 'man'.

[Greedyfly]

Good Luck Traci and I am glad you are at peace with your decision - it is a hard one to make. But at the end of the day it is yours to make. Such a shame that we have to make such decisions in our lives.

[Greedyfly]

I would however not be able to keep myself away from him - I know not sensible or adult but I wouldn't have the strength not to injure that man badly regardless of whether he served his time or not. But as I previously said I am very unforgiving. You are obviously a stronger bigger person - I applaud you! =)

[chaptazbru]

What greedyfly says....

[rockyracoon]

Words fail me Traci, peace be with you :) and not her!

[ladyalex]

Just another thought...how dare he say he would 'give you five minutes with her'...it would be you that was doing the giving, if you were to go...which you're not.
Sorry, probably not the most helpful comment, but possibly an insight into his lack of respect for you/remorse for his crime.
As others have said, don't allow yourself to be pressurised by anyone , whatever their motivation.

[Voulez-vous]

Just read this whole tread too, and think you have made the right decision, Traci.
If she had left the man, maybe it would be different, but she stuck by an evil man. She is still with him. She deserves nothing from you.

You can sleep easy, in my opinion, with your decision.

[sith123]

i would make your peace. even if you do not want to when she dies you may regret it, she is your mum after all :)

[rockyracoon]

People keep saying, she's your mum after all. Jeez, if she was any kind of mum she would have behaved like one, at the very least she should have sacked the husband.

[Baldric]

Just come back to this thread and seen your reason, scrub my first reply,
don't see her she does not deserve it.

[ladyalex]

In order to 'make peace', both sides have to do the making.
In order for it to work out, they both have to be honest.
I think it highly unlikely in Traci's situation that she is going to get honesty from either her Mum or her Mum's husband.
My guess is that if she went they would deny or minimise or try to excuse what happened...and that would certainly make me feel worse, not better.
They've had 17 years to make amends...

[DTCwordfan]

Your decision, Traci.

In your shoes, I can understsand.

I would still have a word with your bros and see if a quiet prayer can be made with the vicar over the grave, say a day or so after the funeral and allow you (all) to help shed a tear or two.

[cathfromsaron]

see her and listen and accept what she says! this is no time to have grudges, however caused! x