Would You Get Involved?

[EvianBaby]

I have a sister who has moved back in with my dad (seemingly permanently). She's moved from another part of the country so has just got herself a bar job. She's been working there a couple of weeks but claims she doesn't get paid until the end of this month so she is skint, yet she seems to be there socialising and (presumably) buying drinks when she's not working. Meanwhile my Dad is funding her completely, including eating, drinking, smoking and putting petrol in his car so she can drive the 200 miles round trip twice a weekend to pick up and drop off her kids from their dads.

Today he told me she's been stealing from him. He has a pot that he chucks all his pocket change in at the end of the day. He said every day it gets emptied out. She's never asked if she can take it and has not once even acknowledged all the additional financial strain she's putting him under. My Dad just scrapes by paying his own bills as it is and can't afford to support her, never mind have her stealing literally his last pennies. He even said today he doesn't know how he's going to feed them both until he gets paid Thursday.

Myself and another sister are furious about it but he won't say anything because she is his daughter and she has other stuff going on, he doesn't want to make life even harder. But he's not in the best of health at the moment and I could see today how stressful this is for him.

I really want to say something to her but don't want to make life harder for my dad. What would you do?

[AlwaysConfused]

are you in the position to bung your dad a few quid whilst you figure out how to deal with your sister?

[Psybbo]

That's awful, Evian but I know that no matter what you do or say, it'll be wrong. Not a lot of help, I know.

[albaqwerty]

oh boy.
Have a strong word with the sister.
Make sure she tries to repay him when she gets paid. Although a small amount and subsequent months she repays him the total amount

[EvianBaby]

Unfortunate not, particularly this month. I doubt he'd take it even if I could.

Oh, and I already lent her £30 a couple of days ago.

[AlwaysConfused]

how about getting a food parcel ready and give to your sister, saying (not-so-subtly) I hope this gets you through the week, I know dad's a bit short especially since he has had money go missing.

[bednobs]

in my mind,your dad is an adult and perfectly able to say "where's my change gone" or "sorry i don't have money for petrol this weekend" rather than just moaning about it to others behind her back

[lcg]

I would say exactly what you are thinking. She is absoutely taking the piss and stealing is/should be the last straw. I am going to be in this position shortly. My brother has been made redundant and I just know he will be screwing money out of my parents shortly - him and his wife inherited thirty grand 18 months ago from her mum passing away and they blew that in under a year. With two small kids, he'll be going cap in hand and expecting them to pay for his dope smoking habit too. Rest assured, I will be saying my piece when he starts with the woe is me crap. Stick up for your dad and tell your sister to get off her arse and fund herself. She's already got a free place to live.....what more does she want?

[woofgang]

What does your dad want you to do....he must have wanted something or he wouldn't have told you. By wanted something, I include a sympathetic listening ear and no further action.....

[askyourgran]

I'm with icg, probably her dad would be feeling sorry for her and embarrassed to say anything about it, whereas one of the sisters could say what has to be said on his behalf.

[boxtops]

I moved back in with my mother many years back - I didn't have a job, but sensibly one of the first things she did was make it very clear how we'd split the bills, and so on. I had things going on, just as your sister did, but Mum still had to pay her bills. Your dad need to start making things clear - he needs not to go shopping, let her buy the next week's shopping and pay for the fuel herself - why the heck should he fund that? Life isn't easy - she needs to wake up and behave like an adult.

[bednobs]

my answer is possibly coloured by the fact my M-I-L is similar - her boyfriend takes the piss, arrives at her house just before lunch and leaves just after tea, doesn't contribute anything. He will take her shopping, but only so she can buy food that he then eats. She moans on about him to us, but never does anything except let herself be taken advantage of. It makes me very d=frustrated

[EvianBaby]

Bednobs, I understand what you're saying but he's not just bitching and doesn't feel like doing anything. It's that he doesn't believe he can. I actually held the same opinion as you until recently but putting myself in his shoes I can empathise.

He and I very nearly came to blows a couple of weeks ago when I told him he needs to put her straight but he is her dad and he doesn't know what to do for the better. She is a live wire and you never know what her next move will be if you challenge her. If she didn't have two young children he may do things differently. He told me and my sister mostly because we keep on at him about it but partly because he's in total despair and needed to tell someone.

I've a good mind to send her a text later and tell her, diplomatically what I think but I really don't want to make his life any harder.

If i suggest she do some shopping she will most likely tell me she has no money. I don't know how she's funding going to the pub (she will claim she gets free drinks but no landlord would give away that much free) and all her smoking habit but I'm certain if I suggested she quit she'd tell me the doctor has told her not to because its tool stressful.

[sebhfhion]

//I've a good mind to send her a text later and tell her, diplomatically what I think but I really don't want to make his life any harder. //

A text? For Funks Sake whats wrong with 'speaking' to your sister. Firstly stop your dad filling his pot with loose change , or at least put it in his sock drawer. secondly he's quite capable I'm sure of saying 'where's my loose change gone from that pot? and thirdly he's quite capable of saying 'ok *** if you want to eat tonight you're going to have to pay for it because I'm skint. i suggest you have issues of your own with your sister and this is a good excuse to vent......sorry but??

[EvianBaby]

You're quite right, I have issues with my sister. I have major issues with her being a lying thief. As I've said a billion times my dad will not say anything because of more problems that may cause and the fact he is too damn nice for his own good.

[chaptazbru]

I don't have a sister, just a brother and I tried to put myself in your position as to what I would do if he was scamming my Dad and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WOULD confront him and ask him just what he thinks he's doing to our Dad. Maybe your Dad telling you was a cry for help ?

[EvianBaby]

I told him earlier that I understand why he won't confront her but if he won't then one of us should. He said nothing, which told me part of him really wants us to while another part is scared about what will happen.

[chaptazbru]

Maybe you should confront her in front of your Dad and all have your say? It's appalling that he's scared about it, poor beggar.

[EvianBaby]

Perhaps a quiet one on one, just so she knows I know and to save my dads nerves and if it continues, we can make him be present to really put the boot in.

[chaptazbru]

She really does need to be told doesn't she? Good luck anyway.

[magsmay]

honestly EvianBaby I would get her up against a wall and tell her straight -tell her to p*ss off and leave your dad alone or you will make her life hell.