How Can I Help My Six Year Old Grandchild?

[Tups]

My level little grand daughter is distressed by all the shouting at home between her mummy (my daughter) and her latest live-in partner. I won't go into the complexities of their disastrous relationship but I am extremely worried about the effect on this innocent little girl, who is frequently woken up at night by the vicious shouting and foul language that ensues. Sometimes the partner even wakes her to tell her how bad her mummy is! She pleads with me not to say anything because she has been warned not to tell me.

What can I do? Do I simply remain a silent confidante or can I be proactive without getting my grand daughter into trouble? My daughter already complains that her daughter has no respect for her. She needs to understand respect needs to be earned and isn't anyone's by right.

[Prudie]

Have you spoken to your daughter is the first thing? It's a very difficult situation but this can harm your grandaughter psychologically quite deeply and give her mental health problems in the future. The only way I can see you helping her is by tackling your daughter and consider social services.

[Tups]

The trouble is how can I approach my daughter without breaking my promise to my grand daughter?

[woofgang]

dos she stay with you over night? maybe she "talks in her sleep"? How old is your granddaughter? Sadly I agree with Prudie.

[grasscarp]

If it were me I would discuss it with my daughter. You cant just do nothing. There are other things you could do but first you need tell her what you have told us.

[Prudie]

I know Tups but she is six year's old and needs protecting. She must want you to do something about it or she wouldn't have told. And your daughter is a fool if she expects a child to harbour secrets.

[woofgang]

d'oh, she's six.....
OK I have had a think. This is abuse. Its not sexual abuse or violence but its abuse. If she was being sexually abused or hit and she asked you to promise not to tell, you wouldn't agree and you would talk to your daughter or go straight to social services.

[DJHawkes]

you can ask your local police to check out her partner under that Clare's law
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-politics/9625073/Clares-Law-Do-you-know-your-partners-past.html

but i think it's only been trialed up here in the north west, i would just barge straight in there and tell your daughter you fear for her and her child and that you don't want the police knocking on your door one morning telling you she's been found dead along with her child, don't risk it and don't hold back, the bloke sounds like a thug and a bully and you would never live with yourself if you let i go.

[sherrardk]

You have to discuss it with your daughter, you have a duty of care towards your granddaughter. If a friend told you what you have told us, what would you advise?

[Tups]

I'be told my daughter many times that she needs to get rid of this idiot. She agrees then changes her mind. She's told me herself that many of the rows are because of her partner getting cross with her daughter. She agrees it's damaging to her but when push comes to shove she doesn't want to be left alone!

My grand daughter is with me now. Maybe 'talking in her sleep' is a good idea.!
My main worries are: losing the trust of my grand daughter and risking not being allowed to see her.

[chrissa1]

You must speak to your daughter and tell her in no uncertain terms, that your granddaughter is NOT to get into trouble for telling you. It is the little girl who is important here.

[grasscarp]

If your daughter agrees with you about this man then she is unlikely to stop you seeing your grand daughter over it. Your duty as a grandmother is to protect her and if she has confided in you it is because she wants your help.

[DJHawkes]

she's 6, she'll not know she can lose trust in you, you're her grandma.

[rockyracoon]

Tups I wasn't much older than your grandaughter when I had a secret, I eventually confided in a neighbour who I knew would spill the beans even though I begged her not too, your poor grandaughter probably wants you to stop the arguing, her mums not doing what she should so she's turning to the next person she feels will.

I agree with the others, tackle your daughter, hopefully she'll realise how selfish she's being when she knows others are aware of the problems.

Good luck to you and your grandaughter x

[DJHawkes]

exactly, what's the point in bringing up kids telling them that if there is ever a time when they feel afraid or worried they should speak to an adult, then when she speaks to one of the closest adults in her life, she gets ignored?

[Tups]

He has a 6 year old daughter of his own whom he and my daughter have 3 times a week so he has no police history. I don't believe he'd ever be physically violent by he's controlling. I will speak to my daughter yet again but it won't be easy.

[rockyracoon]

Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing, because it's the right thing to do?

[Meg]

rocky is giving you sound advice, for For Funks Sake do something.

[sherrardk]

I suspect that you already know that you have to tackle your daughter about this but you want 'back up' for your decision. Decide what you are going to say and just say it, you will feel better for it, good luck, x

[Tups]

Thanks everyone. You've convinced me I need to act. I'll update this thread with the outcome.

[atalanta]

It is hideously common for a step-father, or a man in the position of stepfather, to kill a woman's child. Especially if circumstances are escalating, as it seems. You do not owe the child silence, you owe her all the help you can get for her.