Please Help Me.

[RishiBhowan]

Hi Everyone out there,
I've got a question for you all.
My partner and I have 4 kids (12, 11, 8 & 6).
As a wife she's never there for me both emotionally and intimately as well as physically. Put it this way she kicked me out of the bedroom over 11 years ago.
As a mother she is never there for the kids either. She is either talking to her friends on the phone or sitting on Facebook day and night in the bedroom, not attending to the kids. She never says I love you to me or the kids, but to her friends she does all the time.
Now the question is when I asked her to limit her time on the mobile phone, she gets angry with me saying that I'm controlling.
I can't do everything myself helping them all with their homework and putting them to bed at 11pm on the school days.
Please give me some advice here all men and women. I need help.
Cheers,
Rishi

[ummmm]

Yes...the 12 and 11 year old should be listened to and will help the decision on the 8 and 6 year old.

If I were in this situation I'd leave. She may be saying things now but when you're not there she might realise that kids actually need looking after.

[Mosaic]

Rishi, you said you'd lost your job recently. I'd suggest that trying to tackle the home situation right now might be too much for you to take on alone. You've lived effectively separate lives, under the same roof, for some time - a couple months more won't make that much difference. If this lady's aim is for you to bank-roll her lifestyle, then if you have to make savings she might clear off anyway, or she might change (doubt that myself).
Why not use this time to get some talking help for yourself - invite the missus to do the same, but don't hold out expectations. I think you can get referrals to therapists on bulk billing in Australia. Just being able to talk to someone neutral should, like coming on AB, be a source of comfort at least, if not of practical advice.
From what you've described, trying to confront her on your own isn't going to work.
If she's been neglecting the kids as long as you describe, they're going to be fairly used to doing stuff - so rather than taking on tasks like 'putting the kids to bed', enrolling the kids into a big joint adventure of 'let's sort X out, let's make Y for dinner' might sweeten things.
Best of luck old dear.

[EDDIE51]

Problem is we see this situation time and time again all over the world.
Marriage hits problems and the wife takes the children to 'punish' the father and so that she can use them as' weapons 'to extract money from the father.
In the UK the courts are now well aware of this and the father's continued contact / support is considered essential. Fathers in UK courts now have a virtually an equal chance of custody . From what RishiBhowan writes that is not the case in Australia . I can not advise more as I have no knowledge of the Australian courts stance on the subject.
All I can say is keep trying to talk and work some mutually acceptable solution out. Are there any counselling or advice services in Oz as we have here? if so please use them. Once the lawyers get involved it just gets very expensive and MUCH harder to come to an acceptable solution . Try to avoid it getting to that .
My advice would be different if you were in the UK as in our courts the overwhelming principle is to do whatever is in, 'the best interests of the children' . If all you say true I would expect a UK family court to award you custody with your wife getting regular access.

[TWR]

In this situation I would def try & get her to sit down & either call it a day or try & sort it out, this problem must be effecting your Children! there must be some spark left otherwise either one of you will have left, has she someone else, ask her, if she has & admits she has then call it a day, it sounds to me as if the woman is Lazy, have you / her any Close friends that would listen to both of you & try and help you? I would not have left it 11 years as you state, this should have been sorted before now, take heed Rish, do something before / kids life's passes you by. Good Luck

[RishiBhowan]

Thanks so much Mark et al. Actually one of our psychic woman friend saw it coming as I was contemplating to stray as I almost gave up in life. Nothing seems to make me happy. She has offered to sit down with us today while the kids are at school. So fingers crossed.
Lots of love to you all.
Cheers,
Rishi

[EDDIE51]

Hope it goes well Rashi. Feel free to come back for more help if you feel the need.

[happyalways]

You need to talk to her clearly about why is she behaving so and she is the mother of those kids so she has some responsibility.

[murraymints]

clearly there is a need for some kind of arbitration where you can both present your feelings openly and honestly and try to find common ground..even if you do split it will help to make the split cleaner and less acrimonious....