How Do I Tell My Parents Nicely To Stop Coming To My House Uninvited

[gordiescotland1]

Hi there I am having problems with my relationships with my parents. They are very interfering and controlling and try to disguise this as being helpful. They live less than 2 miles from me in the same town and continually invade my privacy by going into my house uninvited when they know I am out. This morning I told my parents I was meeting my aunt and uncle for coffee and I went out and had a nice time. I came back, they had been in my house, tidied my house and looked at my mail that I had left lying out, and I think this is inappropriate. Last time we had a major falling out was when my phone had been restricted to incoming calls but I was going to sort that out my mother phoned Sky, paid the bill and changed the payment over to her r all when I was out, I obviously had changed the password since and got it transferred back to my name. It was a previous cat we both had !! I asked for my keys back and then for weeks my mother told me that I have diabetes and AF and what if something happened like a heart attack or a stroke I might not get to a phone and I could die alone, so I gave her the keys back and gave in I asked them not to use them unless it is an emergency but obviously this morning was not an emergency. How do I deal with this, apart from changing the locks which is a bit dramatic and expensive?

[douglas9401]

If you're absolutely sure it's what you want you could add that from now on you won't be needing their financial help either.

Seems only fair.

[Cloverjo]

Oh yes, sort your own bills out.
On the other hand, I pay my son's mobile phone bill as a Christmas present, but I still wouldn't dream of walking into his house uninvited.

[BagPussAA]

I like the idea of an extra Chubb lock on the door. It is an easy and quick way of getting your own privacy when you are out without having to upset your parents' feelings quite so much. That way, they have a set of keys so they can help out in an emergency situation but you still have your privacy when you are not there.
I had such a problem with my Mum doing this that I actually moved quite a long way away from her so that she cant just "pop over" for a visit or come round when she feels like it. It's not a nice situation to be in so I do feel for you.

[Jackdaw33]

The good thing about Chubb locks, although they don't come cheap, is that you cannot just pop down to the local ironmonger's and have a spare key cut; they won't do it.

[bednobs]

you could always go the passive-agressive route. Call them and tell them you think you must have been burgled and you're calling the police as someone has been in your flat while you were out, and you know it can't be them because you have already asked them not to do that

[cassa333]

For goodness sake you’re 46years old. Have you ever stood on your own two feet?

Are they over protective or do they really believe you can’t run your own life?

Either way if you can’t just tell them to stay out and mean it change the locks. And get some sort of peephole on the door. When you see it’s them strip off and pretend you are having private time or put your coat on and say you were just going out.

[Hopkirk]

Are you a man or a mouse.

Tell them politely but firmly what your rules are.

[andy-hughes]

Some parents never make the adjustment to the fact that their child is now an independent adult.

The adjustment is usually reinforced when the child stops living at home, and parents accept that their child is now an adult with the same rights to privacy as they have.

It seems in this case, that your parents have not made this adjustment, and to an extent, you are facilitating that situation, even though it does not suit you.

Standing up to your parents and making them see that you are now an adult can take a little time, and be uncomfortable, but it must be done.

Ask for the return of your keys, and be honest about why you want them. Going into your house when you are not there is disrespectful, but fits with their perception of you as still being their little boy.

Bite the bullet and sort this out, it will be better for everyone.

[kvalidir]

Gordie, I have type one diabetes, Hashimotos and a ton of other things, they can't use that as an excuse to barge into your home, no-one does it to me and if I'm found dead one day then so be it. Locks won't address the problem, you'll have to sit them down and have a talk to them I think, this is about respect, control and letting go of the notion that you are still a child x

[Tuvok]

You could trick them - let them know you are "going out" - but don't. Then when they let themselves in.......... hide in a room they would automatically go into........

If you have a car which makes it obvious that you are in, then say that you are getting picked up.

[Islay]

Just a thought do you own your house or do your parents?

[gordiescotland1]

I rent from a housing association. That sounds like a good idea about hiding in the room. I did that once many years ago I hid in a wardrobe and when my father was tidying my room I jumped out on him. He nearly s*** himself. I couldnt do that now as he has a heart condition.

[Islay]

Do your parents support you by the way of topping up your money?
If so you need to stop that and tell them enough you no longer need their support.

[gordiescotland1]

Yes they do I am really bad with money I am getting more than enough to live off. I get £700 a month free money, i dont have rent to pay so there is no way I should run out of money. I have been declared bankrupt 4 times so i really am not good with money. They deliver meals to me I ask them not to they deliver rolls to me for lunch again I ask them not to. They do my washing and ironing. I ask them not to but they go into the house and steal it. Some people might be quite happy with that but im not.

[kvalidir]

Okay gordie can I ask a very personal question? when you were in your 20's -40's were you very dependant on your parents of your own free will or do they have a reason to feel that you will struggle to cope on your own. I'm just trying to get the broadest view of this possible given a few things you've posted x

[Baldric]

@17:03
Good grief, how old are you Man, 46 or 6?

[douglas9401]

If I had £700 'free money' sloshing about every month I'd have a wee emergency bag of Bertie's finest tucked away and new locks fitted.

This story is clearly developing.

[zebo]

After all of this time why do you feel the need to do it nicely? They are never going to respond to nicely being told. Change the locks and don't give keys and stop answering their calls or telling them any of your social arrangements, tell them to stop blackmailing you. I would also want to know why Sky allowed an outsider to interfere with your contract with them, they won't even speak to my OH if I don't give them permission. Good luck.