Ashes

[Thisoldbird]

I've heard from the Crematorium my beloved ashes are ready for collection.. we had a Direct Cremation as discussed by us both well before he was I'll...we will have a celebration of his life later in the year.

I personally don't get the sprinkling of ashes idea. Not something I would do if left to me. My husband requested his ashes sprinkled at a favorite spot of his..I respect his wishes..

We are a very small family, so am surprised at 2 requests I've had..one telling me she wants it before she goes on holiday early September!
The other wants 'some' of the ashes for a memorial arrangement they are having made.
I'm not sure how I feel about rushing to do anything with them just yet.
I could be unpopular if I speak up.

Our only child passed away 2020..his partner still has his ashes

Not sure why I'm writing this,

[jennyjoan]

Do what your gut instinct tells you - old bird - you've been through enough to give into other people's whims.

[Redhelen72]

TOB - some people feel the scattering of the ashes is closure - that they can move on now and start to heal - as is the same with the request for ashes.

I have requested a teaspoon of my dads ashes so I can have a ring made - but my step mother has asked me to wait so that she can scatter their dog and my dad together (dad died 3 years ago)

If they are close family like next of kin - listen to them and discuss it with them- if they are not it is entirely up to you what you want to do with the ashes

[jennyjoan]

I had a friend whose son died in London, his partner refused to give her a little teaspoon of ash. They were a gay couple - the partner said - he wanted all of his ashes to be buried together. She became very unwell after this.

[Redhelen72]

OK

[jennyjoan]

helen - is the dog dead too

[Vagus]

I’d do exactly what your late beloveds wishes were..sprinkle them at his favourite spot and tell those other people that you’re honouring his wishes, no argument.
And I’d only do it if and when you feel ready to, don’t be pushed or rushed into doing anything you’re not ready to xx

[Canary42]

///Not sure why I'm writing this, ///

Don't worry, it will no doubt get some interesting responses, all of which helps to make this a lively and fascinating forum at times.

[Redhelen72]

No jenny joan

This Old Bird - honour your husbands wishes, if others can join you make it a family affair - if not do it alone but this was his last request of you.
Stay strong xxx

[Prudie]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this at such a sad time. I only have the ashes of 2 much loved pets and still haven't had the motivation to scatter them yet. One is a dog from over 20 years ago.

I think the most important thing is you do what you feel comfortable with when the time is right to carry out your husband's wishes, where I would put my foot down is to refuse to rush it through to fit in with somebody's holiday plans. You are clearly not ready to sort that in a couple of weeks and it was quite insensitive for that person to ask in the first place.

[calmck]

As in life, as in death you and your husband are partners. You are the one who now makes decisions. If you are not ready in September wait until you are.Regarding separating some of the ashes, that is a very personal decision. What and where will the memorial arrangement be? When my stepfather died his ashes were divided between the five children and we all did what we wanted to with them but your husband is yours to care for as you wish. Take your time, there is no rush. My sister is still sitting on her piano 7 years later!

[jno]

just do what you feel best. It helps that you had the talk so you know what he wanted, though you are not bound to do it. We did not, and I have a box of them sitting here while I think about what to do next.

[Bobbisox1]

Do what you feel is right and do it when the time is right too, not sure I go with scattering ashes either but I may feel different if I ever have to, my friend has earrings made from her Mums ashes and very pretty they are too.
Good luck with whatever decision you make T.O.B

[Sqad]

/////I personally don't get the sprinkling of ashes idea////

Me neither oldbird, that is assuming that they are actually the deceased ashes........
No big deal......do what you feel like.

[jennyjoan]

my brother who lived in Scotland is in my niece's wardrobe

[Ken4155]

If you don't sprinkle someone's ashes, and you keep them on a mantelpiece in a fancy container, what happens to them when you pop your clogs.
The answer to which is your children probably inherit them. Then, when they die, their children, and so on. This really cannot go on ad infinitum, can it. Not really practical.
Better to sprinkle them now. I'm being sprinkled at the top of Pendle Hill when i've drawn my last breath.

[bednobs]

i agree. If you dont sprinkle, they'll likely end up in a skip when you have died

[Bobbisox1]

I’m not sure I’d want them from the Undertaker even, I wouldn’t need ashes to remember a loved one , all it would do was make me aware that’s all that’s left , likewise I wouldn’t have a sprinkling ceremony either but it’s whatever the person grieving feels is right for them

[jno]

it doesn't matter much to the dead, Ken. If the living want to keep them, fine; it the next generation don't, also fine. But it doesn't follow that it's "better" to do something with them now, or that they're worse off in a skip.

[Old_Geezer]

Whilst there is no harm in asking if a ceremony could fit in with one's routine, it's still just a request and it's your choice as to what actually suits you. If inconvenient simply apologise for not being able to comply but that's not easy for you to arrange.

I find asking for a portion of the ashes somewhat bizarre, but each to their own. Your choice once again, but in your shoes I don't think I'd be keen to split them up like that.

Don't worry about assuming you'd be unpopular. You are probably wrong; and life isn't a popularity contest anyway. Anyone who takes umbrage at a refusal is probably not the sort you'd want to be popular with.

[Paigntonian]

Difficult stuff. As Jennyjoan says, do what YOU feel to be right.