Treating Your Adult Children.

[hannah40]

Now I’m in Spain in an apartment visiting our Daughter who is working in Spain for the year.
Since being here we have paid for everything. She could have stayed in her house that she shares but chose to stay in the apartment with us. We have provided her with all her meals drinks snacks ,excursions,just like you do for your children.
She is in Spain working surely there comes a time when she could pay for something. I even paid for the Uber to take her see her friends.
Do you all pay for your adult children continually?or is there a cut off point.
She didn’t seem too keen on take away pizza today so I said well go buy yourself something then and leave your dad and me to do what we want to do the way she looked at me was like how dare I think she was going to buy something herself alone ,well I said you live here we don’t. I’m sure you know how it all works.

[douglas9401]

'Right then, it's your round' should help a bit.

[hannah40]

Like that Douglas9407

[Rosetta]

unless she is generally struggling financially and cant admit it, she needs to not take advantage of you

[jourdain2]

I would certainly take her out for a few treats or meals to celebrate being together, but not to the extent you describe.
How old is she? She could be feeling homesick and incapable of making her own way. What is she working as?
My daughters are in their 40's now, but I never helped out to the extent you describe - I gave them holidays in France when I lived there. Nowadays I help with things like the grandchildren's school uniform and driving lessons.
Perhaps take her out for a relaxed drink and try to find out how life is for her at the moment.

[hannah40]

She is 18 and she moved out in September so she thinks being with us is just as it was. I just thought it’s time she paid her way a bit. She works out here and is living the dream she works for TUI .

[Aircooledfool]

Mt two are in their fifties now, I helped them out lot when they were younger, just starting out. I would still do so if it were really needed, fortunately that very rarely happens.
I think you should heed jourdains wise words and try to (gently) see what the problem really is

[jourdain2]

I think she may be finding that 'living the dream' is not what it's all cracked up to be. She's sharing a house, may not get on with the others.
Mum & Dad are here, hooray, she can leave responsibilities for a while. I really think that you need to chat.

[Prudie]

I doubt she's earning much working for TUI. Now you've said she's 18 I think we would do the same for our daughter. Ours and her partner have come on holiday with us and we pay for nearly everything and she's over 30. We have paid because it sort of came naturally and partly our fault for not teaching her to forget the bank of mum and dad and I feel you have done the same ie you've brought her up to expect parents to pay. The answer is a difficult conversation if you want it to change.

[Maydup]

She'll be skint like all 18 year olds (living the dream doesnt come cheap) and having her parents over is a great opportunity to be fed and treated like a princess before she has to go back to chosing between laundry bills or another few round of drinks at the bar.

I doubt TUI pay 18 year olds very much, but if you want her to contribute to what feels like a holiday to her, then send her out for some supplies without giving her the money for them.

[barry1010]

She won't be earning much and is probably a little in shock to realise just how expensive living away from home is, especially if you provided everything before she moved to Spain.
Bet her wage seemed a lot to her when she took the job, now she knows differently

[MissTerious2]

Even when my son worked during university holidays he paid his way. He offered and we accepted. Of course we helped him out, but he never asked for anything or expected anything. He's 40 now and has never expected anything from us. We would always help him and his wife out if necessary. He knows that but again he doesn't expect. I think too many adult children sponge off their parents these days. That is what your daughter is doing. Just be straight with her and tell her how you feel. A bit of tough love never hurts.

[pastafreak]

I'm a pensioner...single and on the standard tight pensioners income. I often wish I had the means to help my daughter and her partner. But...they don't need it! They are both on excellent salaries, save and invest, and easily buy what they want and need. The amount they spent on both Christmas and feeding me plus drinks and several meals out made my eyes water. They took care of me. I wish I could 'buy a round'...but even that is scarily expensive. But there's a kind of shame at the back of my mind that I 'should' be helping them...not the other way around.
As a university student, daughter always paid her own way, worked or travelled during summers. Never asked me for anything...nor did I ask her when she spent summers with me.

[Canary42]

The moment I started work, while I lived at home) money flowed the other way - i.e. upwards from me to mother (even when I spent 4 months on the dole).

This should be standard in my view - find out the hard way how to exist on own earnings.

[Xeronema]

Pastafreak, did you support your kids whilst they were growing up, before they turn 18 (or there abouts)? I already know the answer to that question, I just asked it to make a point.

//But there's a kind of shame at the back of my mind that I 'should' be helping them...not the other way around.//

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. Your daughter treating you will bring her joy - treating my own mum makes me happy, knowing that I can help her out if she needs it. It's not very often she does need help or would accept help, which is frustrating, that I can't help her out when she needs it.

[MissTerious2]

Pasta, It's exactly the right way round! Too many parents these days support their adult children. I absolutely agree with Canary!

It's great that your daughter looks after you. Well brought up!

[pastafreak]

I feel absolutely spoiled sometimes :)

[MissTerious2]

That's lovely. Sometimes I wish I had a daughter too to spoil me.

[pastafreak]

Xeronema...my daughter gave me a lot of worry and heartbreak for a few years...15. 5 to 17. Wrong crowd, illegal substances, police lookng for her and mates when under 16. There were times I thought she was lost to me. But one day she 'woke up' and cut ties with what was poisonous. Finished upper school, worked, 7 years uni and got a PhD. I'm so damn proud of her and I cry as I type this.

[douglas9401]

18 year old holiday rep will eventually return to the UK, slightly disillusioned, move from job to job before meeting a man who is as "easy going" as she is, buy a series of too big houses filled with rabbits and remain unfulfilled until...

That's as much as I have from first-hand experience, so far.
It doesn't look ideal from the outside but it's their life.

[Barsel]

It probably depends on the child and the parents.
I don't know why, but it never occurred to me or my husband to take money off any of our children when they were living at home and even now, if we all go out for a meal, we take it for granted that Dad will pay for us all.
If I was in your position then yes, I probably wouldn't take any money but only if I could afford not to.