Why Would She Lie To Me?

[renegadefm]

Not sure if anyone can help as it's a delicate subject, and ideally I was hoping to see how a woman would respond, but here goes. 

Back in 1987 my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with one of my mates.

I didn't find this out until after she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up with me was she reckoned we were too young to get too serious. 

Admittedly we were only 18 at the time, but in hindsight obviously she had other reasons, and one was she was sleeping with my mate before we broke up, so affectively she was sleeping with both me and my mate.

The plot thickens, now because by Christmas that year another friend of mine said did I know my ex is actually pregnant, and had been for a few months, to which I dated back to when we were still together. 

Of course by now alarm bells are ringing in my ears, could the baby be mine, so I agonised about what to do, baring in mind I had not spoken or seen my ex since we broke up. 

Weeks of agony went by then I thought I will pay my ex a visit, so I did. We started chatting quite good, once we got past how the weather was and small talk, I politely asked could the baby be mine, and she quickly and rather bluntly said no, not a chance. 

To which I asked when is the baby due, she said early April, then doing the maths in my head, it took me back to when she was sleeping with both of us, baring in mind I didn't know that she was seeing both of us then. 

By now I could see she was getting a bit anxious and irritated I was even there, so I finished my coffee and wished her all the best and left. 

All these years have gone by and it's always been nagging me could the baby had been mine. 

Of course the baby is now a 35 year old man. 

Lots of years have past now, and I haven't seen my ex since that day when I asked her could the baby be mine. 

Then recently I came across my ex's Facebook profile, mainly because she's mutual friends with one of friends.

I started browsing her pics, and too my horror I seen her son, both as a new born baby and how he looks as an adult. And my God he looks like me. 

He certainly doesn't look like my then mate, so it looks more like he's my son. But how can I prove it as by now we have all moved on, I have my own family and so does she. 

But it goes back to my original question why did she try to keep all this from me, and say the child wasn't mine, why would a woman do that? 

[Canary42]

"April 1969, when if you had a child out of wedlock your parents made you give up your baby for adoption. "

 

What rubbish.  

[Barsel]

renegade, just to be clear, I am a woman, and I like to think, a wise woman.

Why did your girlfriend do that? I've no idea.

Only someone who has been in a similar situation would know the answer to that.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Sorry we keep crossing posts. 

I could try Citizens Advice, but they will ask for names or a way to contact my potential son. 

I'm pretty sure if they tried contacting my ex they will get zero help. 

Bare in mind she moved away not long after her son was born. She went onto having more children, but never held down a relationship with any of their fathers, that much I do know. As far as I know she's still single, I only pick up things from friends. 

[Barsel]

Canary, it isn't rubbish. Think of all those young Catholic girls in Ireland whose babies were taken off them.

I know it didn't happen to every girl, but having a baby out of wedlock in those days was frowned on more than it is now.

[renegadefm]

Canary42, 

You misunderstood me. 

I was told the probable reason I was adopted in 1969, is because in those days if a child meaning me, was born by a young woman out of wedlock, it was an embarrassing situation for the family, and the parents of the young pregnant lady would make her adopt it as soon as it was born. 

I have even seen programmes on tv about that. 

So I am probably a result of that. 

 

[Barsel]

I'm pretty sure everything you discuss will be confidential.

Phone them, and say you are just making enquiries.

I take it you know the name of the lad you have seen on Facebook, you may not even have to get your ex involved.

 

[Barsel]

There were lots of reasons why some illegitimate babies were given up for adoption in the 60's, but please remember a lot of these young girls had no choice.

Unless the father of the child agreed to marry them, these girls were not able to bring up a child even though I'm sure the child was very much loved.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Just a thought that came to me, it makes me now wonder why did my ex move to the next county about 200 miles from where she grew up and just after she had the baby. 

Was that so that it was virtually impossible in her mind for me to track her down?

The term stalker wasn't used then, or if it was I certainly didnt hear of it, but I felt an incredible guilt that day I tracked her down to that caravan in 1987.

Imagine if I did that now? 

[Barsel]

I don't know why she moved away, perhaps she just wanted a completely fresh start.

[Canary42]

Ooops. I wasn't aware renegade lived in Ireland.

[renegadefm]

Barcel, 

But I'm assuming if the son gets that phone call or letter from what transpires from my digging, he would tell his mother, and all hell breaks loose?

I know I did say I'm not so bothered about upsetting her now, but I'm not sure what trouble it will cause for him. 

Like he might ask her why didn't you tell me the truth etc? 

[renegadefm]

Canary42, 

I don't live in Ireland. 

That was just an example, but those trates happened in the UK too in those days.

It was seen as a serious embarrassing situation for the family if a teenage girl was pregnant and obviously so young she would not have been married. 

 

[Barsel]

Canary, I was using that as an example. 

If you were around in the 60's, you would know that it wasn't acceptable to a lot of families to have an illegitimate child.

Thankfully, things have changed since then.

[Canary42]

I was 27 in 1969 - I think I had a pretty good idea of the norms of the time.

[Barsel]

renegade, stop putting obstacles in your way.

You either want this or you don't.

Someone's toes might get trodden on, but think about how you were treated back in the day.

[Barsel]

Canary, if you don't remember this happening in the 60's, then you have a poor memory.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Trust me I am not trying to put obstacles in my way. 

I have been wanting to know the truth for 35 years, it's an astonishing length of time.

You have to bare in mind it was me that wanted to know the truth at the time 35 years ago. 

I wasn't the one stearing away from the truth, I wanted it all out in the open, and be there for both mum and child. 

But 35 years on its like trying to dig out a massive stone in the bottom of the garden that I don't know how to go about where to start. 

My question is why were so many early responses to my question dead against digging up the past?

My point is if my ex was so determined to keep it a secret that I was the father, my potential son probably doesn't know the truth either. And it would cause arguments between them. 

He might even wonder who is this creep claiming to be my father. 

What am I to do? 

[renegadefm]

Canary42, 

If your 82 you don't act it. 

Trust me I watched a programme and teenage girls were forced to give up their own babies in 1969. 

And to my knowledge I was one of those babies. 

[renegadefm]

 Barsel, 

Plus even though I am 99% certain after looking at his photos I am certain I am his biological father.

There is always until proven I am wrong, and would look a complete idiot dragging up that past now. 

Its not really this easy. 

Obviously it's undeniable from my posts that I am dying to know the truth. 

It would unlock so many things like, she really did lie to me, and also I have a biological son on this earth I wasn't sure existed. 

[Barsel]

Nobody said it was going to be easy, but it just depends on how badly you want it, and from what you have said, you really do want to know.

Phone the CAB tomorrow and ask for their help.

If they cannot help you, I'm sure they can put you in the direction of someone who can.

You really have to be 100% sure that this is what you want. Don't start making enquiries and then drop out if the going gets tough.