Verbally abusive ex-husband.

[bex401]

I left my verbally abusive ex-husband 3 years ago now(after he hit me) ,and we were divorced last year.We have a 6 year old daughter,who lives with me.Recently my daughter has been reluctant to visit her father at weekends(his contact with her is not consistent at the best of times!).He was abusive to me over the phone & in a subsequent call to my daughter(heard by myself on loudspeaker)was derogatory about me,after which she burst into tears & said she did'nt want to see him.
How do I stand with regards to his rights to have contact with her,and how do I tackle this situation the best.I am at my wits end with it all & really quite scared of him & what he is capable of doing to to myself & my daughter.He is a very clever man & not easy to deal with.
Thanks

[RATTER15]

You need to go to citizens advice asap, I would not give him access to your Daughter if you are worried he may harm either of you, you will not be breaking contact agreements if you have a valid reason, but get advice soon.

Good luck

[Carakeel]

Bex, neither you or your daughter need to put up with any emotional or physical abuse from your ex. If you are afraid of what he might do to either of you, then you need speak to your local CAFCASS. They will assign a CAFCASS officer to you who will help you and your daughter to remain safe and will sort this problem out for you. You are not alone! This happens to so many. CAFCASS officers are excellent in cases like this and will set up supervised visitation for your ex, which you do not need to attend unless you want to. This way he will be able to see your daughter, but with a CAFCASS officer present at all times. CAFCASS has comfortable family meeting rooms in practically every town, where separated parents and children can meet under safe, controlled circumstances and under supervision. If he upsets your daughter during any visits or she is seen to be upset after them, they may well prevent him from seeing her again. Where they feel visits are harming the child they often stop visitation rights (with help of the courts) altogether. They will also help you to get a restraining order from the courts against your ex if need be. If he then comes anywhere near you he can be arrested. Your CAFCASS officer will interview you, your child and your ex to assess the situation. Be clear about your fears and how your daughter has said she feels. Their aim is to always act in the best interest of the child. Here is the link to the CAFCASS web site. Get in touch with them as soon as possible and I am sure they will help you with this tricky situation. Best of luck Bex, let us know how you get on. Big hug :o) xx

[Carakeel]

Sorry Bex, forgot to post the link. CAFCASS is the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service.

The link is: http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/

RATTER is of course also right, try the CAB as well. Their web site is: http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/

Each will be able to link you to your local branches.

[bex401]

Thanks very much for your replies,CAFCASS sounds like a good idea,but still worried about how he will come across to them,as he is very clever & charming to others and I think sometimes my daughter feels she HAS to go and see him,even though deep down she may not want to,as I do'nt know what he says to her when the two of them are together.I do'nt think she would say he was horrible to her,as he probably does it in a very clever way and I think it confuses her.
God,what mess heh,bit worried about the court bit too,will that be necessary as we are divorced now??

[crete]

comtact the child care team at you social work department good luck.

[WendyS]

Perhaps you should phone the Child Protection Team at your local Social Services offices. If you husband has been violent to you and your daughter is scared of him, you could request that your husband only sees her in a supervised capacity.

[asand]

Contact Womens aid ASAP as a victim of domestic violence myself, believe me I know what you mean by a clever man: very charming to everyone else etc: I have tried social services in my town and I have a degree in the social work field so i think i am aware of their satutory duties as well as the polices. but i have been let down very badly by both! Womens aid on the other hand are excellent, you will be offered support with all manner of things. Good luck and take care I truley hope you get some good support.

[proudmary]

Hello bex, I know you are going through a really difficult time and are not sure who to trust but your first priority is to your daughter. I've been in exactly the same situation and believe me hun, these charming men do let their guard down ocassionaly and people can see them for what they really are!! I was lucky and went to social services, they sent someone out to see my little girl and when I left the room she said how she felt, I didn't send her to her dads for a few weeks and ended up going to court because I had refused access, this was really frightening, I was convinced the courts would believe him when he told them I was a bad mother etc etc, however, the CAFFCASS officer knew what he was dealing with and after speaking to me and my daughter recommended that only supervised access could take place until my daughter was old enough to speak for herself. Take care hun, you're not alone, above all do what your mothers instinct tells you to do and to hell with everything else!!

[bex401]

It has crossed my mind Fred,but do'nt think I could afford it!!!