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My partner doesn't want a baby, I do.
28 Answers
Hi Im 23 next month, my partner is 29. We've been together for nearly 5 years and lived with each other for nearly 3 years. We've travelled. We dont want to get married but I want children and he doesnt know if he does. I feel ready now and want to be young mum, Its really important to me. I dont know what to do. I have nothing without him. Please help. I really dont think he will change his mind over time and I dont want to decide between a baby and him. I love him so much. I dont feel I can hang around and wait, is this wrong?
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A sorry position to be in! Ask him why he doesn't want kids. And also perhaps ask him what he wants from your relationship. From these two questions you should get an answer to help sort out your future.
The body clock doesn't stop so you have to be sure with your answers!
Good luck and I hope the answers are what you want to hear!!
The body clock doesn't stop so you have to be sure with your answers!
Good luck and I hope the answers are what you want to hear!!
I broke up with the love of my life last year because he didn't ever want kids. However much we cared for each other and wanted to be together there could be no compromise and if he'd have got his way I would have resented him and vice versa.
You will have to ask yourself whether you want kids more than him or him more than kids. It will be a difficult choice but ultimately you will have to weigh up the possible pain in breaking up against the pain of your wishes and hopes never fulfilling themselves.
You will have to ask yourself whether you want kids more than him or him more than kids. It will be a difficult choice but ultimately you will have to weigh up the possible pain in breaking up against the pain of your wishes and hopes never fulfilling themselves.
In a similar story to drchusable, I split with my husband of 5 years because he didnt want children and i did. 3 years later i met a great guy and we now have a toddler who is the light of our lives.
Im still best mates with my ex hubby and he has recently mentioned perhaps having kids one day but i still dont regret my decision.
You really do need to find out why your partner does not want to have children. many men worry about the financial costs the strain on relationships etc but can overcome such fears. if he really doesnt want children then there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
Im still best mates with my ex hubby and he has recently mentioned perhaps having kids one day but i still dont regret my decision.
You really do need to find out why your partner does not want to have children. many men worry about the financial costs the strain on relationships etc but can overcome such fears. if he really doesnt want children then there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
Hi Red, same here. I'm now best friends with my ex. I am a little scared though how I'll feel when he finds someone new as we are still single at the mo.
He didn't want kids for all sorts of reasons and the making the decision to break up was heartbreaking but I think we get on far better now than we did as a couple!
He didn't want kids for all sorts of reasons and the making the decision to break up was heartbreaking but I think we get on far better now than we did as a couple!
sorry for chatting on your thread gem. drchasuble, i know how you feel. Gradually you will both move on though and change direction in life. My ex is now living with someone in the house we once shared and his girlfriends child lives there as well. I always thought Id never cope if he had a child in the house where i hadnt been allowed one but i realise now that I cant look back as Im happy with my life exactly as it is and i dont regret a moment of what i had with my husband either.
gemcoops - You need to put pressure on him! You need to know. You need to be in a position where you have all the information with which to make an informed choice. You need it soon - not in 10 yrs time - and you need a definite answer.
It's a horrid situation and I feel for you, I really do.
Times do change but people don't, unless they make the conscious descision to ....If he insists on a "no to kids" answer, then believe him. Don't hope or wait for him to change his mind....then do what you need to do and good luck. You are sensible for asking the question.
It's a horrid situation and I feel for you, I really do.
Times do change but people don't, unless they make the conscious descision to ....If he insists on a "no to kids" answer, then believe him. Don't hope or wait for him to change his mind....then do what you need to do and good luck. You are sensible for asking the question.
Its good (in a way) to see that I wasn't alone with this situation. The girl of my dreams, the one that finally made just about everything come together didn't want kids. I'm the uncle to 7 (And rising) nieces / nephews and I love kids. There is so much I want to teach to my own child and to pass on. We broke up and are now really good friends.
Nothing will change that maternal need and if you choose to stay in the situation you are in and deny yourself the chance to be a mother then you will regret and the relationship will be full of resentment. There is never a good time to ask the question you need to ask but you have to ask it.
Regarding the media you choose, consider how you normally approach difficult subjects. If you normally sit down and talk then do that, it is easier to gauge a response in a familiar situation. A letter would give you a chance though to put down your thoughts in your own time without the interruptions that normally come from us fellas. :).
Personally, the method I found really good when talking things over was by the means of a 'talking stick' (bear with me). It is more mature than putting your hand up but it allows you to speak your mind at your own pace and only the person holding the stick can talk. Might just work.
Hope some of this helps, good luck and I hope it works out for you.
Nothing will change that maternal need and if you choose to stay in the situation you are in and deny yourself the chance to be a mother then you will regret and the relationship will be full of resentment. There is never a good time to ask the question you need to ask but you have to ask it.
Regarding the media you choose, consider how you normally approach difficult subjects. If you normally sit down and talk then do that, it is easier to gauge a response in a familiar situation. A letter would give you a chance though to put down your thoughts in your own time without the interruptions that normally come from us fellas. :).
Personally, the method I found really good when talking things over was by the means of a 'talking stick' (bear with me). It is more mature than putting your hand up but it allows you to speak your mind at your own pace and only the person holding the stick can talk. Might just work.
Hope some of this helps, good luck and I hope it works out for you.
If I were you I would wait until this evening when you are sitting down together and then ask him what he thought about the letter.If he says he still doesn't want children ask him why exactly.And if he says he isn't ready then how about asking him if he would be prepared to have children by the time you are.say,25 as that is still young.
But if he still is adamant that he doesn't want any then I think you have a tough choice to make. Big hugs to you.Please let me know how it goes.xx
But if he still is adamant that he doesn't want any then I think you have a tough choice to make. Big hugs to you.Please let me know how it goes.xx
As he actually said he definatley doesnt want children or that he doesnt know, if he doesnt know then i think you have something to work on, if this is the first time you have brought the subject up then maybe you should give him a bit of time to think it over, if he knows how you feel then its all you can do really. Just be carefull that its not the only thing you talk about as you will scare him off, talk to him in the next couple of days explain how important it is to you and then give him the next month or so to think it over. At the end of the day giving him a bit of time wont harm you are still young and when you do have children they are for a lifetime so its worth waiting for.
On the other hand if he as said a definate no I would talk to him one last time and explain again how you feel if he is still sure he doesnt want children I think you need to do whats best for you, if you both want different things from life then you cant be together.
If its any consolation I never ever wanted children It was all I used to tell people but I met the right person and changed my mind I now have a 3 year old and another on the way.
One last thing you say you have nothing without him...would your life be complete without children?
Good luck xxx
On the other hand if he as said a definate no I would talk to him one last time and explain again how you feel if he is still sure he doesnt want children I think you need to do whats best for you, if you both want different things from life then you cant be together.
If its any consolation I never ever wanted children It was all I used to tell people but I met the right person and changed my mind I now have a 3 year old and another on the way.
One last thing you say you have nothing without him...would your life be complete without children?
Good luck xxx
Gemcoops, whatever you do, don't get pregnant against his wishes and hope he'll love the baby when he sees it.
It worries me that you say you "have nothing without him."
Do you mean financially? If you can't support yourself while single, please don't have a child and become a helpless dependent relying on boyfriends and the government to support you. Get skills for a job that can support you, a baby, and child care.
Do you mean emotionally? If you are that dependent on another person, you are not ready to have children. You need to be the one they can depend on, whether or not you are being emotionally supported.
Why do you love someone who is so hard to talk to and share with? What is so wonderful about a man who won't give you a straight answer about the thing that is most important to you? He doesn't sound mature enough to be a father, either. Remember you need him to be more than a sperm donor and a paycheck -- If he's not gung ho, even if he goes along with it to keep you from leaving, he won't be the father you want for your baby.
I may sound hard -- I'm sorry -- I remember burning up with desire for a child, and I know it's hard to think with your head. I hope you have a happy healthy baby when the time is right, and an adoring daddy to share the joy with.
It worries me that you say you "have nothing without him."
Do you mean financially? If you can't support yourself while single, please don't have a child and become a helpless dependent relying on boyfriends and the government to support you. Get skills for a job that can support you, a baby, and child care.
Do you mean emotionally? If you are that dependent on another person, you are not ready to have children. You need to be the one they can depend on, whether or not you are being emotionally supported.
Why do you love someone who is so hard to talk to and share with? What is so wonderful about a man who won't give you a straight answer about the thing that is most important to you? He doesn't sound mature enough to be a father, either. Remember you need him to be more than a sperm donor and a paycheck -- If he's not gung ho, even if he goes along with it to keep you from leaving, he won't be the father you want for your baby.
I may sound hard -- I'm sorry -- I remember burning up with desire for a child, and I know it's hard to think with your head. I hope you have a happy healthy baby when the time is right, and an adoring daddy to share the joy with.
I think I worded the 'Im nothing without him' phase wrong. Im not dependant on him, I have a loving family and friends, a good job etc so if it comes to the crunch then I'll have support.
He's confusing because he says he doesn't then he says he just doesn't know. I mentioned it just before christmas and he said 'not right now', i thought he'd think about it but obviously he hasn't. I feel more positive for some reason though, I suppose it's a little bit of hope still inside me.
I haven't mentioned it since the letter. Sometimes I feel he is trying to start the conversation about it but he can't. He's a single child and hasn't had brothers or sisters around him so he doesn't really know how to talk. He doesn't really talk to his mum or dad either. Im a really open person and can't hide my feelings.
He's confusing because he says he doesn't then he says he just doesn't know. I mentioned it just before christmas and he said 'not right now', i thought he'd think about it but obviously he hasn't. I feel more positive for some reason though, I suppose it's a little bit of hope still inside me.
I haven't mentioned it since the letter. Sometimes I feel he is trying to start the conversation about it but he can't. He's a single child and hasn't had brothers or sisters around him so he doesn't really know how to talk. He doesn't really talk to his mum or dad either. Im a really open person and can't hide my feelings.
It seems, in my humble opinion that he is thinking about it and either a: doesn't want to talk about it or b: hasn't decided yet and is unsure what reaction he will get.
What I would suggest (and this is only a suggestion) is...
Give yourself a 'deadline' by which you will need an answer before making your mind up. Tell him that you will not ask him about it until then but you are open to talk about any aspects of the letter to him.
That will reduce some the pressure on him to come up with an immediate answer. If he's having a stressful time at work etc. then he perhaps is finding it difficult to put time aside to consider this issue properly. A timeframe makes everything easier to plan. If he wants more time then he can ask for it but dont let him drag it on as that will never help anyone.
In the meantime, you have the same deadline to make your mind up fully. No matter what the outcome is, you will both have been able to think about it and make an adult decision.
Hope this helps, it can't be good at the moment but take solice in this; you are weighing up your options and going about it properly instead of jumping in and making it painful.
Good Luck.
K
What I would suggest (and this is only a suggestion) is...
Give yourself a 'deadline' by which you will need an answer before making your mind up. Tell him that you will not ask him about it until then but you are open to talk about any aspects of the letter to him.
That will reduce some the pressure on him to come up with an immediate answer. If he's having a stressful time at work etc. then he perhaps is finding it difficult to put time aside to consider this issue properly. A timeframe makes everything easier to plan. If he wants more time then he can ask for it but dont let him drag it on as that will never help anyone.
In the meantime, you have the same deadline to make your mind up fully. No matter what the outcome is, you will both have been able to think about it and make an adult decision.
Hope this helps, it can't be good at the moment but take solice in this; you are weighing up your options and going about it properly instead of jumping in and making it painful.
Good Luck.
K
I gave him the letter on Monday night and I'm going to raise the subject again Friday night. Its give him a few days to think. If he still doesn't know, I'll give him another week and that's when I'll want a definate answer. He knows how important it is to me. He has no work stresses at the moment. I do want to talk about it coz I want to find out but then Im scared of the outcome too.
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