daughters wedding

[chevrolet1.8]

i've just been told by my daughter that her boyfriend has proposed to her and she has said 'yes'. she is the only one that i see of my 4 children due to her mother and i divorcing about 12 years ago and it was very messy and there is hatred on both sides. the thing is, if she asked me to give her away or attend the wedding, the last thing i want is for anything to upset her big day. i certainly wouldn't start anything but i'm afraid that something might kick off if there were any snyde remarks heard by or directed at my wife. there would obviously be no joint photos or even attending the wedding reception, it would just be at the church / registry office and that's it. anyone out there had a similar experience and have some advice they could offer would be great. thanks

[Pippa68]

it is great to hear that you won't be starting anything nasty. My advice to you would be not to finish anything either.

If you hear anything said about your wife don't rise to it. Just think about your daughter and her day.

My first wedding was a bit of a disaster (ok, a major one) as I invited my natural father. He and my mother kicked off an argument during the reception and my stepfather kept out of it. I have never forgiven my parents for what they did on my special day, whilst my stepfather went up in my estimations that day.

[chevrolet1.8]

thanks for the reply pippa. no i wouldn't do or say anything back to any nastiness aimed at myself but if something was aimed at my wife i think that i might just have to make my excuses and leave. i think she would realise there was a problem though and get upset which i obviously don't want. i think i will have to let her know beforehand that although i want to be there for her i will not let my wife suffer any abuse either.

[Pippa68]

As this is an important occasion I would recommend a meeting with your ex, with a mediator if possible.

You may find you can lay your differences to rest ~ even for just one day. I cannot stress how important this is for you to do, as you probably know! you may be surprised. I would definately talk to your daughter about it..maybe she can pave the way for you.

If this cannot be done and it seems that you may find yourself involved in nasty behaviour I wouldn't go to the wedding at all. The slightest unrest could cause major damage and I am sure you would rather stay away from that..even if it means not giving your daughter away?

[chevrolet1.8]

there's no meeting with her mother i'm afraid, so i will have to let my daughter know that although i would be proud to give her away, if she thought there might be a problem with her mother i will stay away to save her any possible upset. sounds like it's turning out to be her mothers day! thanks for your thoughts pippa.

[Pippa68]

I sincerely hope everything works out for you ~ and you can give your daughter away without any fuss :o)

Good luck!

[natalie_1982]

Hi Chevrolet, I got married last year and my family fell out on my big day too. They hadn't gotten on for ages anyway but decided to try and put things to one side for the sake of my big day, my mum and step mum even met eachother prior to the wedding day and everything seemed to be going swimmingly until some dispute kicked off after the wedding breakfast involving my mum, 2 aunties, an uncle, my nan and my step-mum.... I think!

I didn't let it ruin my day, and although my dad tried to keep it from me I knew something had gone on (the atmopshere was pretty obvious). As far as I was concerned though, it was mine and my husband's day and it could have been a lot worse, all I was concerned about was having my family there, that's what mattered to me.

It would have been nice if all parties could have bit their tongues for the sake of one day, but I didn't expect any less and at the end of the day I had a good time, despite what others may have been up to.

Please try to always keep your daughters feelings at the forefront of your mind - if she wants you to give her away, please do not let other conflicts tell you to do otherwise. it is her big day after all, even if you give her away and then make a quiet exit, at least you were there for the important part. Don't let her mother ruin what should be a special day for you too.

[chevrolet1.8]

hi natalie, i can only hope things turn out ok for the sake of my daughter. i so want her to have the wedding that she wants and as i have said at the begining, she is the only one of my four children that i see, and it has taken 8 years for us to come together again. many thanks.

[888sally888]

I think it would be so sad for you and your daughter if you didnt give her away. You are her father and it is your right and no doubt ultimate desire to be there by her side on the day.

My dad passed away 3 years ago and I got married last year without him which was the saddest hardest thing to have to go through. I would have given anything to have him there and I think its no different for you.

Ignore any petty childish jealous comments, smile, be happy and enjoy the moment.

Good luck and keep us posted x

[chevrolet1.8]

thanks for the kind words sally and i'm sorry about your dad too. i can only hope that everything works out for the best and she can enjoy her day without the worry of anything going wrong.i don't know when the day will be so it might be a fair while yet.

[sarahreiki]

dear chevrolet,
I can report a similar experience with a happy ending when I got married. My husbands parents had split up 12 years before and had not spoken on laid eyes on each other since. It was potentially awkward, esp as dad had remarried and mum had not.
We had wondered about a meeting of all parents and partners but decided against it. We said nothing, arranged our perfect day and we had a great time with no problems.

I would talk to your daughter and assure her you will be on your best behaviour. That way if anyone says anything you wont get dragged into it. Or maybe your daughter would talk to any potential trouble makers and tell them she expects no trouuble, and if there is she will never forgive them.

Good luck,

[sarah1987]

hello, this is very tricky. i am also getting married (next june) and my parents divorced about 14 years ago. its obvious there is hatred between them and they are deciding to do seperate things for the wedding e.g. my mum is buying my dress and my dad is buying the cake. i am finding it really hard because they wont come together to talk about it with me. i am dreading my big day incase their is a fall out when it shouldnt be like that. they have both said they will be civil but wont have conversations etc. but there is an atmosphere and its a nightmare. all i am saying is try for your daughter because the more you try to be civil the better it will make her feel.

[chevrolet1.8]

thank you both sarah's for your thoughts but obviously you cannot know what has happened between myself and my ex. the hardest of them all was having not seen any of my children for 8 years. it was only last year that my daughter got in touch with me again. it's nearly 10 years since i last saw my son and 2 other daughters and although it still hurts i don't dwell on it every day like i used to. i also have 2 granddaughters that i have never seen.

Anyway back to the point ,as i have said i only want what my daughter wants and would never make trouble and upset her on her big day. i just know what her mother is like and i can only see me having to make an early exit. i shall tell my daughter of my concerns and hope that she will understand and have words with her mother. many thanks again to you all.