baby

[worriedmummy]

my daughter is 8mnths old, i'm 20 and her father (my ex, who is 41). comes to visit her about twice a month. he's not on the birth certificate, but wants to be more involved in her life. but i dont want him having parental responsibility, he said he'd sign an agreement that we write out stating, he can see her twice a week, i wont move out of the country with her, he can be involved in school and medical situations, and have a good relationship with her. but he's not to interfere with our day to day lives, or stop me from taking her on holiday, or to make me get her christened etc, because i want her to wait til she is old enough to decide herself. i also want to pick the school as i already have one in mind. is there a legal way of signing an agreement like this, or am i asking too much? i jus dont want to have to have his permission constantly. and is there any chance of him getting joint ressidence of her. i'd hate it, he has no idea of how to look after her.

sorry for babbleing on

[Louisa 69]

Were you and your daughters father married ?

You shouldn't need to ask his permission for anything if you have custody of the baby, although it would be nice for your daughter if you could both play a part in her life.

It's what's best for your daughter that matters and unless you have a very valid reason for not wanting him to have parental responsibilities, then i think you're being unfair.

[Psychick]

As he is not on the birth certificate, you have the final say in matters such as school etc. Although it sounds like he wants the best for, as you do, so Im sure he would support your choice of school. It seems he is willing to sign a form of document and is happy to do what it takes to be a part of his daughters life. You and your daughter are actually very fortunate as so many men wouldnt bother, but, I can understand your worry as to what he may want in the future. You could go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau and ask their advice. It would be possible to have an agreement drawn up for you both to sign by a solicitor, which would be legally binding, but would cost money. How much, I havent got a clue, but worth enquiring about.

[natalie_1982]

I would suggest contacting your local CAB who can put you in touch with local groups, where I am sure there are other women in the same position. I would think that the type of agreement you are suggesting would require legal advice, and CAB can point you in the right direction there too.

Like Louisa, if you have custody of your daughter, I can't see that the father can require you to ask his permission although it would be nice for your daughter if you could come to some agreement.

You seem like quite fragile worriedmummy, don't be bullied and get in touch with some local support groups.

[worriedmummy]

no we were not married, only together six months. wasn't together when she was concieved, just a one nite stand. thankyou all for your responces. Louisa 69 you said i shouldn't have to ask his permission about things, but i was told if he gets parental resonsibility i do. and i'm worried sick he's going to apply for joint custody. my baby is very happ where she is, will the courts want to change this.

[Psychick]

The courts will always consider whats best for baby and if she is happy then thats all that matters. I would try not to worry about it if I was you as it may never get that far. Just get some legal advice fromt the CAB in the meantime just in case. Hopefully it will also put your mind at ease as well.

[worriedmummy]

and yes this is a big age gap, he was my supervisor at my old job. i feel so guilty that my daughters dad is this age. he wont be able to do all the stuff young dads do with their children. i'm engaged now though, been with my fiance since i was 3 1/2 mnths pregnant, they love eachother very much. so she has two daddy's and is very lucky

[Psychick]

I really wouldnt worry about how old he is and ignore others comments on it as it really isnt important. There is a huge age gap between me and my ex too and has never been a problem and is something my daughter, who is now 7, has never even questioned or worried about. Age is just a number, we all have one, they just vary.

[worriedmummy]

Thank you psychick. My daughter is mixed race, and lives with me and my fiance who are both white, do you think this would make any difference in court? i'm worried when she's older and we have another baby she might start to feel different. this is my worst fear

[annie0000]

I think that it will make no difference legally that she is mixed race, but, I think that it is even more important that she retains contact with her father and his family so that she can see that she is not "the odd one out" if you get my meaning. Not that you would give her that impression, but as she grows, she will notice, but having that contact there with he father will help her to see that Daddy is brown , Mummy is white and that's why I am in between.

Don't worry too much, just enjoy your time with your baby and enjoy the fact that her Dad want's to be involved.

In a way, she has the best of both worlds - a more mature parent who can still have fun with her and a young fit Mum who can run about with her. 41 isn't old btw although it must seem like that to you. My husband is 46, I am 41 and we have two boys of 7 and 6 and I can assure you he does plenty of running around with them! No choice really, they are full of energy and too much for me to keep up with all the time!

[Psychick]

When it comes to court, or life in general, colour doesnt matter. The fact that she is in a stable loving home with you and your boyfriend is. I agree with annie though. It will be important for your daughter to have her real dad and his family in her life and I hope you can all come to an agreement where this can happen.

Can i just say though, it sounds like your little girl is very lucky, she has you and your fiance and her dad who all seem to love her very much and all want to be part of her life :)

[worriedmummy]

thank you. you say about his family though, but they haven't seen her, not once, they live a few hours away, and because i wouldn't travel with her they blame me, and so does her father(i dont get on to great with my daughters father).. but they made no effort. they are now moving to jamacia, and aren't planning on ever seeing her.
my fiance's family on the other hand, see her every day, look after her the two days a week that i go to work, and see her as their own grandaughter/neice/great grandaughter. do you think they have a right to blame me, cus i didn't want to travel to bradford?

[worriedmummy]

plus he doesn't know our address, we meet on mutual ground for him to pick up the baby. i dont really want him to be able to pop round whenever he feels like it. will the court make me tell him where we live?

[Psychick]

Well first off, its his family that have and will miss out so dont worry about them. They made the choice to not make an effort. Although some would say you didnt make the effort either but I wouldve done the same in your situation.
I doubt the court would make change your current arrangements when you both seem to be fine with them. You seem really worried that things will end up going to court and they may not. I really think you should get legal advice because, even if nothing happens, it will give you peace of mind knowing exactly where you stand and where your ex stands.
Something else you may want to consider, have you ever thought of having your fiance named as your babys legal guardian? The only problem that may occur with that though is babys dad could take you to court to object. Just dont stop dad seeing baby all the time he is being co-operative as this wouldnt be fair on him or your daughter and could work against you in the future.

[worriedmummy]

how will i make my fiance legal guardian,? i told my ex i would put fiance in my will as legal guardian, but that only makes him a legal guardian when i die, and my ex said that my daughter will end up living with him if i die anyway cus he is her biological father, so he isn't bothered. how can i make sue my daughter stay's in our home with her step daddy when i die?

[worriedmummy]

plus i dont know why i should of traveled to bradford with a young baby and all her belongings when its them who wanted to see her.

and do i have to tell him our address? plus when he moves down, does he have to supply his own nappies and formula for her, and pram etc. as he ruined our last pram, now we have a new one do i have to let him use it.

and do i have to let her stay at his house over nite, if he moves near us. i dont think i'd be comfertable giving her up over nite

[Psychick]

Chances are, when the time comes for you to pass away, your daughter will be grown up and have her own family. If this unfortunately happens sooner though, the court will take in to account who has been there to raise your daughter and who her legal guardians are/is. Being her legal guardian would take affect straight away, not when/if you die. Your ex is not guaranteed full custody of her should you die. Your ex cannot make you do anything you dont want to do, including having the baby overnight. To make you give her up overnight, he would have to take you to court and have a judge rule it. Does your ex pay any maintenance for your daughter? If he doesnt, then I think he should be providing for your daughter when she is in his care. If he does, he could argue he provides for her therefore, you should provide what she needs when she is with him.

Go and speak to someone at the CAB, they will have the answers you are looking for and will be the best people to advice you on how to go about securing your daughters future with you and your fiance. Dont alienate the dad though as it is best for everyone if you continue to allow him access, even if it is on your terms. Keep thinking of your daughter.

[bednobs]

i am absolutely astounded by this. How would you feel if he had custody of her, and "allowed" you to see her twice a week. why shouldnt he have some say over her day to day life? he is her father after all, and you can wish he wasn't all you like but youchose him to be the father, so you are stuck with it!
The poor man dosent even know where his own daughter lives because of you!
how do you expect his family to come to you to see her when you wont even tell them where you live?
does he give you any money for her to help out?

[worriedmummy]

his family could of easily stayed in a b and b, just like they'd expect us to do if we went to bradford! and i didn't chose to have a baby with him, i dont believe in abortions. he told me he didn't think he could have kids and never wanted to use protection. i dont know why ur sticking up for him, his daughter was in hospital when she was born for 7 days, he had two weeks off, and only spent 3 hours with her. i told him he could of stayed at ours to spend time with her and learn how to look after her and he refused. he used to lift her up by her arms when she was new born until they nearly came out of her sockets, because he has no idea how to look after her. so yes until she's older two days a week is enough. the difference between him seeing her twice a week and me seeing her twice a week, is that i've been there every day of her life. i've looked after her while she's been poorly, while he hasn't bothered. and yes he pays towards her because he has to. he's asked to stop for a couple of months, on numerous occasions. and i've refused

[bednobs]

you are hardly giving him a chance to see her everyday!!!!