My 21 year old son

[yelenots]

went to live with his girlfriend and parents at their house earlier in the year. We only see him maybe once or twice a week, he brings his washing home and like a fool I do it! We never really have a conversation as he just doesnt want to talk anymore. His g'friend is off to Uni soon and he had said he would be coming back. Well yesterday I mentioned it to him and he said her parents said it would be ok for him to stay there! I feel totally devastated at this and cant believe that her parents would want him there when she isnt! He has never really been happy at home as he never liked being told what to do and the house rules etc. He never speaks to his younger sister & brother and I cant remember when he last had a conversation with his stepdad. I got divorced from his father 20yrs ago and remarried when he was 4 so he doesnt know any different! He has been spending alot of time recently with his Dad & family so I dont really what is going on there but he just doesnt want to know us! Its heartbreaking coz everyone says what a nice young man he is and how well he's doing but we see a different side to him and its as if he's punishing me for something and I dont know how to put it right!

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

I have to ask...are your house rules very strict?

[yelenots]

No!

[4getmenot]

Tell him your house isnt a laundrette!!

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

good answer 4getmenot. Maybe he's just trying to assert his independence.

[4getmenot]

if he wants independence stop mothering him by still doing his washing. Invite him round for dinner once a week when you can all sit down and talk round the table. If he doesnt accept leave him to it, he will soon realise who should be most imprtant in life and who is always there.

[Suetheramble]

My 17 year old daughter did exactly the same. I cannot put into words how upset I was. I backed off completely (and that was hard) I did not phone her or contact her and about 6 weeks later I got a text from her asking me to go to the cinema with her.
The parents of the boy she moved in with were uncooperative when I phoned to say I was not happy with my 17 daughter living with them and allowing her to share his bed each night they appeared to be gloating and enjoying the situation.
Daughter finally phoned me to collect her after row with boy who she has now left and is showing signs of being a human. I think his parents were hanging on to my daughter to try and keep their son at home and happy.

[k8bailey]

he's 21 - Shouldn't he be doing his own washing?!

[yelenots]

Thank you for your replies-good luck suetheramble x

[joeluke]

Tell your son that if he wants you to continue doing his washing then he'd better start treating you like a son should treat his mother

[Brinjal]

Give him a bill for the washing. If he doesnt pay explain that you arent anyones maid and dont do his washing again until he either pays or he can develope some respect for you as his Mum.

[Marijn]

I don't think you should be confrontational with him. This isn't even about the washing, is it. I agree that you should ask him round to dinner. Tell him how you feel, but avoid making him feel guilty, and tell him that you love him. Put yourself in his position, and think about what would encourage you to open up, if you were him.

[yelenots]

Thank you notafsh......... you're right its not about the washing but just as a matter of interest I do charge him for doing it! :)

[jno]

he's just growing away from you, which sounds harsh but it's actually what children have to do. He'll be building his own life and his own relationships. If you haven't had any bustups, I wouldn't expect it to be permanent; but you should eventually be able to reconnect as adults rather than as mother and child, which is good.

[Suetheramble]

Is the question should you do his washing or how to retrieve the relationship?
I would carry on doing the washing - better to be laughed at as a mug rather than moaned at for being hard and "uncaring". I never gave my daughter a reason to reproach me - although now and again I suggest you do the washing late and apologize because you were busy so you don't slip into pathetic mode!
I agree with jno; my daughter and I used to be extremely close but I feel she is breaking the bond between mother and child as she becomes a adult.

[seekeerz]

Young people can be appallingly callous at times - our eldest daughter moved out at a time when we could really have used some support from her - she was 16 - she came back with boyfriend in tow when they were asked to leave, but that didn't last. That's not the end of the story, there's very little contact between us now, but just how much pressure are the girl's parents putting on him to stay ??

I'm sorry, yelenots - there's no easy answer for this one. Try to keep in touch but without any pressure on him - I hope he comes to realise life at home was a good thing, but god it hurts

[yelenots]

Thank you suetheramble and seekeerz very good advice-much appreciated-its just so upsetting and I just hope my other two children dont do this to me :(

[seekeerz]

I'd be very surprised, yelenots - my second daughter has been horrified by my eldest's actions and doesn't see a lot of her: like us, she's pretty disappointed by what's happened over the years. Try to keep strong for the younger family members, just let them see how you react and feel, don't run him down in their hearing and make sure they know he's always welcome back if he's prepared to play by the house rules.

[yelenots]

Seekeerz I appreciated all your advice. My youngest daughter is also horrifed by her brothers actions and behavour towards me and she tells him so...when she sees him...he doesnt really speak to her either. They used to be very close when they were little and now they hardly speak unless they have too. She says I shouldnt have anything to do with him as he just uses me but I cant do that! I hope things work out for you

[seekeerz]

I like your chances much more than mine, yelenots - my eldest is now 45 and we've barely seen her in the past 12 years - and she has the 'support' of one of the sillier members of our small family so I don't hold out much hope of her coming to her senses anytime soon.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you that your son realises the error of his actions very soon - try to be patient and DO NOT blame yourself because it isn't your fault !!!
skz xxx