ChatterBank3 mins ago
Pun dreads of Jokes
41. As the animals left the ark, Noah spoke to each pair in turn: “Go thee forth and multiply!”
Two snakes disembarked. “Go thee forth and multiply,” they were commanded.
“We can't. We're adders.”
“Sit on that bench and I'll come to you when I've despatched the other animals.”
When Noah caught up with them, they were surrounded by baby snakes.
“I thought you couldn't multiply?”
“Yes. But these benches are log tables.”
42. How do you know when your shoes are on their last legs?
When they're past heeling or when their soles have departed.
43. Did you hear of the Dutchman who designed the blow up shoe? He popped his clogs.
44. Although I don't usually do drugs, I was tempted when I was offered some new, unusual ecstasy. Just then the police raided. I looked out of the window. It was too far to jump but I didn't want to be caught in possession so I threw the tablet out. Just as I was letting go of it, I'm sure I heard it sing out: “It's a long way to tip a rare E!”
45. The receptionist at my dentist's always uses a ball point pen to write up appointments. What you might call an in-biro dental list.
46. The chief of the small African tribe always welcomed important visitors from his solid wooden throne. However, he never liked using the same one twice so had a new one made for each occasion.
Because they were too good to be thrown away, his servants stored the old ones in the loft of his hut. But there was a calamity.
One day the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the chief was killed. Which just goes to show: “People who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.”
47. The Rover's Return had a dog's tail in a frame on the wall. I asked the landlord the story of the pub's name and why this artefact.
Rover had been the pub dog and was tragically killed on the road. They rescued the tail as a memento and had it framed. Late one night a doggy apparition appeared wanting his appendage back. “Unfortunately,” said the landlord, “we're not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours.”
48. If everyone in the country painted their cars red, would we have a red car nation?
49. Her telephone number rang a bell.
50. My aunt came to visit. On her head was the most appalling creation that looked like a nest of ostrich feathers. Unfortunately my dog thought it was a plaything and, when she'd taken it off, jumped on it and tore it to shreds.
When I told my friend about it, I was laughing but he said, “That's not a good hattitude.”
Two snakes disembarked. “Go thee forth and multiply,” they were commanded.
“We can't. We're adders.”
“Sit on that bench and I'll come to you when I've despatched the other animals.”
When Noah caught up with them, they were surrounded by baby snakes.
“I thought you couldn't multiply?”
“Yes. But these benches are log tables.”
42. How do you know when your shoes are on their last legs?
When they're past heeling or when their soles have departed.
43. Did you hear of the Dutchman who designed the blow up shoe? He popped his clogs.
44. Although I don't usually do drugs, I was tempted when I was offered some new, unusual ecstasy. Just then the police raided. I looked out of the window. It was too far to jump but I didn't want to be caught in possession so I threw the tablet out. Just as I was letting go of it, I'm sure I heard it sing out: “It's a long way to tip a rare E!”
45. The receptionist at my dentist's always uses a ball point pen to write up appointments. What you might call an in-biro dental list.
46. The chief of the small African tribe always welcomed important visitors from his solid wooden throne. However, he never liked using the same one twice so had a new one made for each occasion.
Because they were too good to be thrown away, his servants stored the old ones in the loft of his hut. But there was a calamity.
One day the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the chief was killed. Which just goes to show: “People who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.”
47. The Rover's Return had a dog's tail in a frame on the wall. I asked the landlord the story of the pub's name and why this artefact.
Rover had been the pub dog and was tragically killed on the road. They rescued the tail as a memento and had it framed. Late one night a doggy apparition appeared wanting his appendage back. “Unfortunately,” said the landlord, “we're not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours.”
48. If everyone in the country painted their cars red, would we have a red car nation?
49. Her telephone number rang a bell.
50. My aunt came to visit. On her head was the most appalling creation that looked like a nest of ostrich feathers. Unfortunately my dog thought it was a plaything and, when she'd taken it off, jumped on it and tore it to shreds.
When I told my friend about it, I was laughing but he said, “That's not a good hattitude.”
Answers
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1 to 9 of 9
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