20 Thoughts From Aunty Acid

starone | 20:24 Wed 13th Feb 2013 | Jokes

10 Answers

1. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a Diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

2. I don't like wearing pantyhose. Every time I fart I blow my slippers off.

3. A wise man once said "I don't know .....ask a woman."

4. At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is easy . . . Getting up off the floor is another story.

5. Some people need to get their finger out of their butt so their brain can get some oxygen.

6. Starting tomorrow - whatever life throws at me I'm gonna duck - so it hits someone else.

7. I cook using the 4 food groups - Canned, Boxed, Bagged and Frozen.

8. Rise? - If I must. Shine? - It ain't freakin happening.

9. Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts - others come along and we want to leave footprints on their face.

10. Women are not moody. We simply have days when we're less inclined to put up with your shlt!

11. Today's housekeeping tip: Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantlepiece. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been ill and unable to clean.

12. When I woke up this morning - no wrinkles in sight, The house was spotless, The garden looked lovely and my grumpy bloke looked like George Clooney. I don't think I'll ever put my glasses on again!

13. I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm just saying you've got bad luck when it comes to thinking.

14. You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

15. If we were meant to "pop" out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

16. Some people just need a Hug - around the neck - with a rope.

17. I have PMS and GPS which means I'm a Bitch and I will find you!!

18. I remember the words to every song from the '80's but forget why I walked into a room.

19. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but you know what that means - more laundry!

20. I'm getting old - I got out of bed and had chest pains - I looked down and realised I was standing on my nipples!