Crosswords25 mins ago
It's Yorkshire Day, Apparently.....
39 Answers
So, in honour of this momentous event, this thread is for Yorkshire jokes
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: Nay, I've browt it with us.
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it eight'en carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft feggin' beggur.
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: Nay, I've browt it with us.
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it eight'en carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft feggin' beggur.
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A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'
At the eventual passing of the eldest Nun in the Convent, the remainder of the members decided that a special headstone was required for such a devout person.
After much deliberation the inscription "God, she is thine" was agreed upon and the local Yorkshire stonemason duly instructed.
The day before the ceremony the stone was delivered to the local church, but on closer inspection the Nuns were horrified to find a typo, as the inscription read "God, she is thin".
The stonemason was telephoned immediately, informed that "you have missed out the "e", and asked to rectify the fault post haste as the memorial was required the next day.
The stone was collected by the stonemason forthwith and re-delivered later that day having been duly corrected.
The headstone now reading "e' God, she is thin".
After much deliberation the inscription "God, she is thine" was agreed upon and the local Yorkshire stonemason duly instructed.
The day before the ceremony the stone was delivered to the local church, but on closer inspection the Nuns were horrified to find a typo, as the inscription read "God, she is thin".
The stonemason was telephoned immediately, informed that "you have missed out the "e", and asked to rectify the fault post haste as the memorial was required the next day.
The stone was collected by the stonemason forthwith and re-delivered later that day having been duly corrected.
The headstone now reading "e' God, she is thin".
A 'Tyke' struggling home at night, obviously after having had a reet kneckful, sees a man from the water board with a big 'T' handle,
in the middle of the road opening a valve at the bottom of a manhole.
He walks up behind him and gives him an almighty clout.
"What's that fer" says the waterman.
"Thats fer tunin' all t'streets roun' when I'm tryin' ter find mi way home"
in the middle of the road opening a valve at the bottom of a manhole.
He walks up behind him and gives him an almighty clout.
"What's that fer" says the waterman.
"Thats fer tunin' all t'streets roun' when I'm tryin' ter find mi way home"
An 'Uddersfield rugby league fan is drinking in a Wigan bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be an 'Uddersfield rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One Wigan woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar, 'Uddersfield playing Wigan in t'Challenge Coop. The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The 'Uddersfield man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
'Had him bloody-well circumcised...'
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be an 'Uddersfield rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One Wigan woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar, 'Uddersfield playing Wigan in t'Challenge Coop. The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The 'Uddersfield man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
'Had him bloody-well circumcised...'
Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate.
He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
A Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
Bill from Barnsley wins a competition and his prize is that he gets to play a round of golf with his heroes, Tom Watson and Phil Mickelson.
At the first tee, a short par four, he says.
"You lads are much better than me, you go first."
Tom Watson dumps his ball into a bunker and heads off shaking his head.
Phil Mickelson hooks his ball way into the rough and heads off cursing himself.
Bill steps up and plants a magnificent drive 350 yards, finishing 6 yards from the pin.
Tom & Phil immediately surround him,
"Wow, excellent Tee Shot, Bill!" they say.
"Aye excellent isn't it?" says Bill, "I got it in Barnsley market for forty pee."
At the first tee, a short par four, he says.
"You lads are much better than me, you go first."
Tom Watson dumps his ball into a bunker and heads off shaking his head.
Phil Mickelson hooks his ball way into the rough and heads off cursing himself.
Bill steps up and plants a magnificent drive 350 yards, finishing 6 yards from the pin.
Tom & Phil immediately surround him,
"Wow, excellent Tee Shot, Bill!" they say.
"Aye excellent isn't it?" says Bill, "I got it in Barnsley market for forty pee."
Night all - one for the road:
A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds.
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap. He politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I Will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds.
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap. He politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I Will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
