Scottish Jokes For Burns Night

[joggerjayne]

I'm after a few Scottish jokes for Burns Night. So far I've got ...

Where would a Scotsman store his music?
On his Och Aye Pod.

[DTCwordfan]

Janet comes running through to Dr. Finlay, he of Casebook fame.

"Doctor, Doctor, I be makin' yer the Burrns night supper an' I hae sich herrt-burn tidae whilst coookin' it."

"Well Janet, yer best be takin' yer tits outta the Cock-a-Leekie soup then."

[marval]

Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?'

Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'

'Then why don't you wear them then?'

Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'

[joggerjayne]

David Cameron said that, if Scotland became independant, they might end up as a Third World country.

But even if they'd voted "Yes", could they really have improved as much as that?

[joggerjayne]

England is bordering on anarchy and economic disaster.

Or Scotland, as it's better known.

[joggerjayne]

What's big, miserable, and Scottish?

Scotland

[joggerjayne]

Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland.

Sorry, that was meant to say "the United Kingdom"

[zabado]

A scottish cloakroom attendant, Angus MaCoatup.
Two gay Scots, Ben Doone & Phil Macravis.

[Ellipsis]

Thanks, BlackadderV - it works better out loud ...

[mushroom25]

(said in a scots accent)

what's the difference between bing Crosby and walt Disney?

bing Crosby plays golf, and walt disnae.

[Slapshot]

The angel Gabriel said to God

What you working on today? God said I`m making a place called Scotland, It`s goin to have stunning mountains with fast flowing rivers full of beautifull brown trout, the most beautiful lochs, a stunning coastline, with lush green land and fantastic blue skies and sunsets that will blow your mind, the people are going to be friendly and intelligent and I`m going to give them a national drink called whisky.

Gabriel said "Aren`t you being a bit OTT with this Scotland? the people will think they are already in Heaven."

Na not really said God, just Wait till I tell you about the neighbours

---------------------------------------------------------------
Two American Tourists are being personally shown round Westmister Abbey when the see a phone with a sign, "Calls to our Heavenly Father £20,000", ........ they move on and visit St Giles in Edinburgh and Lo and behold another phone with a sign saying "Calls to our Heavenly Father 15p" . The wife grabs a guide to enquire about the prices and he says "that's easy madam calling God is only a local call in Scotland"

[Fanriffic]

Robert Burns walks in to a pub and orders a wee dram.
The barman says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're bard."

[joggerjayne]

Brilliant ^^

I'm definitely using that one.

[Old_Geezer]

Jock's young lady mentioned that her birthday was coming up, and Jock could not think of an inexpensive present. His mother had just finished making him a pair of breeks for wearing under his Sunday kilt, and she had remarked that there was a yard of material left; no doubt clever Jeannie could make something of it.

Jock thought that was a splendid plan and when he had taken the girl for a walk on the heath, he suddenly stopped, and spun around fast on his heels until his kilt flew up.

"Jean, did ye see anything ?"

She blushed and said that she had not; so Jock spun around until his kilt was horizontal, blissfully unaware that he had, in fact, forgotten to put the breeks on.

"Surely Jeannie, ye saw it that time ?"

"Aye Jock, I did."

"Well, you're having a yard of it for your birthday."

[joggerjayne]

lol

[DTCwordfan]

Jayne decided to call her mother the "Scottish Exorcist" because every time she comes to visit her in Brighton she made the spirits disappear.

[DTCwordfan]

she makes....gads....

[DTCwordfan]

After announcing on Burns night that he was getting married, a Scots lad tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

[joggerjayne]

he he

Actually, I've been busily Googling all my whiskies, to sort them into light ones, delicate ones, rich ones, and peaty ones.

We will be serving a selection - one from each group - with the haggis course.

("we" because I've roped my pals in to help me with this)

[Sam1960]

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq
Coo eight

[BlackadderV]

Back of the class, Sam.