Tim Vine

[Hopkirk]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

[marval]

So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."

[scorpiojo]

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said "you've got cholera."

[scorpiojo]

Exit signs. They're on their way out, aren't they?

[marval]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

[marval]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

[scorpiojo]

I phoned the local ramblers club today and the bloke just went on and on.

[marval]

This bloke said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn up for the books."

[Baldric]

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down and people were chucking money to him.
I said: “Do you earn a living doing that?”
He said: “Yes, this is my livelihood.”

[Baldric]

I went down the local supermarket, I said: “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.”
He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

[Baldric]

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

[elliemay1]

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

[brainiac]

I went in to the butcher's and he said " I bet you £10 you can't tell me what the meat is on that shelf up there". I said " I'm not betting" He said "Why not? I said "The steaks are too high"."

[elliemay1]

I've just read The History of Glue.....I couldn't put it down....

[maggiebee]

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: "What does surrender mean?" I said: "I give up!"

[magicmick]

I saw a guy stood in the corner of my local, black shirt, black shorts, and a whistle. I thought he is going to kick off any minute.

[scorpiojo]

I went to the record shop. I said "have you got anything by The Doors?" The guy said "a bucket of sand and a fire blanket."

[maggiebee]

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

[marval]

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’