They Keep Coming

[Rondy]

I asked my mate what part of the USA his wife was from.
He replied 'Alaska'...
Well - to be honest I thought he would know!

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Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says: "Bejesus, I've jus found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."
The operator aske: "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says: "No, I think it's beef."

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I've just flown home after a lucky escape.
I was climbing in the Himalayas and was Accosted by a Yeti, It Forced me to do a thousand Sit Ups and a thousand Stomach Crunches.
When I got back to Base and told our Sherpa, He Said, " Ah Yes, That'll be the Abdominal Snowman"

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"

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I had such a red face when I realised I'd forgotten my wife's birthday.
Mind you, she did slap me pretty hard.

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First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”

Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?” First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”

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Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife.
She told him to do something and he told her, "No."
So l had to pull him aside to talk to him and said,"Son, can you teach me how to do that?"

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A cosmetic surgeon's office is the only place where people don't get offended when you pick your nose.

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Liam Payne is a quick reader. I heard he done 3 stories in 5 seconds.

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I arrived home last night to find a pretty young girl grouting the bathroom wall. She was singing: "It's a heartache, nothing bit a fools game."
I thought to myself she's a Bonnie tiler.

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