Glasgow jokes..

[piggynose]

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the
next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.



A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.



A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke.



A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

[boxtops]

I laughed, piggy, these are good - but you need to come from (or have lived in) Glasgow to pick up the accents!!

[slinky.kate]

aye,i liked them?

[Hopkirk]

"Furry boots?"

"Dundee"

[boxtops]

That was a good one, too, Hopkirk.

[tara20]

A pregnant teenager calls her Dad around midnight and says "Can ye come and get me? Ah think ma waters have broken!"
" Okay, where are ye ringin' from?"
"Frae ma knickers tae ma feet!"

[piggynose]

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt at the ceremony. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress".

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

[Marijn]

I don't understand "the first two weeks in August" one, or the "musketeer" one. Can you please explain. I liked the others :-)

[jno]

d'Artagnan. I didn't get the August one either.

[Answerprancer]

LMFAO tara - she's drookit

[mike11111]

There is a traditional fornight when everyone used to take their holidays in Glasgow known as the Glasgow Fair. It's a play on words. He'll take a different two weeks' holiday.

[Answerprancer]

Two fer yous:

A Scots guy is at a party, the host comes up to him and says "would you like a drop of whisky or a meringue?"
The guy answers "Aye, yer nae wrang - I'd like a drap of whisky!"

How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman?
Put yer hand up his kilt an if you feel a quaterpounder - ye know he's a MacDonald!

[heathfield]

'How wiz yer holiday in Paris?'
'Braw! Every mornin' at breakfast I'd ask for twa eggs, an' they'd gie me three!'

[Marijn]

Thanks jno and mike. I wouldn't have got the "fare" one in a month of Sundays.