I went to Kent yesterday for my nephew's wedding.
Had a brilliant time but the groom's speech, which was one of the best I've ever heard, kept being interrupted by someone who'd had too much to drink and it was spoiling it for the rest of us.
In the end, my nephew, who is a teacher, looked hard at the heckler and said, "You are just one more comment away from being put on the naughty step".
This was followed by cheers and applause from everyone else and shut the heckler up.
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”
Years ago I went to see Jasper Carrott and as soon as he came on stage a drunk started heckling him. Carrott looked at him and said "I was going to come out tonight and imitate a pratt, but I see someone's beaten me to it"
I once said to a particularly obnoxious girl who was giving me grief in class: "Now, Daisy, after school straight home, mind!Best get back to the byre before the farmer notices that you're missing".
Groucho Marx belonged to two clubs and decided one was enough, but when he tried to resign from the other the directors kept insisting he put it in writing.
In the end he sent them a short, curt note.
'I refuse to belong to a club which would have me as a member.'