what is the funniest saying you've heard?

[yachtalamar]

what is the funniest quote/saying that you have ever heard?

[quattro]

"Cofusious" saying Women are like fires if you don't poke them they go out

[paulz]

From David Niven's book "Bring on the empty horses", a foreign Producer/Director who was being particularly painful [his excruiating command of english inspired the title - he meant riderless horses] "They think I know f*ck nothing in fact I know f*ck all". George Bernard Shaw's reply to a particulary sniffy invite from a snobby upper class woman. Her invite read "Mrs Blah-Blah will be at home all day tomorrow, RSVP". Shaw's reply, "Madam so shall I" [Shaw is also the originator of "In the morning I shall be ..."]. Two more, one from a Tom Clancy book, "Well f*ck you Admiral, Sir, and the horse you rode in on" Lastly "the higher the monley climbs the tree the more he shows his a*se" [as in those who are promoted/over-promoted think their inellect doubles overnight]

[bazwillrun]

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face. I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. A man is as young as the woman he feels. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook. To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove! Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

[bazwillrun]

Hers some more Groucho I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce

[pussing]

The funniest saying I have heard is from "The Comic Strip Presents" (Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayell) movie, "Mr Jolly Lives Next Door" "Never ever bloody anything ever!" "I live my life by that rule!"