what is the funniest saying you've heard?

[yachtalamar]

what is the funniest quote/saying that you have ever heard?

[simon_says]

From the legend that is Chic Murray: " I slept like a log last night - I woke up in the fireplace".

[andy hughes]

I read a great phrase yesterday, to advise that something irritates you, instead of the unpleasant image of something getting 'up your nose', I love the expression "It really gets my dogs yapping!"

[fawksie]

when my mate arrived in a resturant for dinner, the first thing he asked us was......'Whats the Bobby with the mange" Whats the 'Bobby More - Score' with the Mange 'French for eating'!! But you have to pronounce Mange - monje We cried with laughter - probably doesnt sound funny as I write it like this.

[cucumbers]

whilst stood in the trent end, watching the real Nottingham Forest, as a smallish boy many years ago i remeber a wag shouting at Kenny dalglish " Kenny , you look like a leopards ball bag !! " You really had to be there!!

[bluedolphin]

Get yer laughing gear around that!

[xyzzy@bok]

From my enigmatic ex landlord; 'Never take no for an answer, don't take yes either'

[rekstout]

"I am standing here, beside myself" A quote from the indian scientist in the film Short Circuit

[Wispy68]

''If things don't alter soon, they'll stay the same.'' Something my Dad's always said, and always makes me chuckle!

[Lennon]

Accidents happen....as the darlick said climbing off the dustbin! One of many from my Dad - some people don't find it funny at all, I guess you have to have a certain sense of humour. :)

[andy hughes]

One more - there's two kinds of people in this world - there's the kind that divide people up into two kinds of people, and the kind that don't!

[brawburd]

All from Willy Wonka (how sad am I?!): Hurry please - we have so much time and so little to see. The suspense is terrible - I hope it will last. You should never never doubt what nobody is sure about. And sooo many more!!!

[brawburd]

In agreement with simon_says, Chic Murray IS the man! "What use is happiness? It can't buy you money"

[RCP]

From Woody Allen - When I die I want to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

[wildwood]

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Squirrel]

I have lots of favourites:

(At a cricket match in 1976, long before my time) "Well I can tell you, the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."

"If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue."

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever"
'Anonymous

"Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine."

And two "Early worm" parodies that made me laugh:

"The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten."

"The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

I haven't accredited these quotes to their respective...quote-sayers (?)...because I forgot to add them when I wrote the quotes down.

[uproar13]

Of a less than attractive person, 'Last time I saw a face like that, Lester Piggott was whipping it.'

[Moog]

Surely is was "The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willie"?

[Headtime]

A greta one I heard was from Wet, Wet Wets MArti Pellow. "I hate Cocaine. I just like the smell of it."

[Squirrel]

You're probably right, Moog. I laughed for ages when I heard it, but it happened 10 years before I was born so I can't confirm it one way or the other. :-)